stank-tified

whew.

not going to lie; things have been rough. but now that i am feeling better, i can talk about it. of course.

the queen's vacation with the awesomes is going well. drinking, shooting, playing music, etc. of course, i am equally enjoying a testosterone-free home; all weapons and tools larger than a swiss army knife are in the mancave and nothing has been deep-fried in days. the dumpling and i go for walks every day, we put up some outdoor LED lights in the bushes today and i spent some money at thinkgeek.com for the holy-day season.

the tough things. yeah. okay maybe i can't talk about them yet. this parenting-as-a-couple thing is rough. take the hardest thing you've ever done and imagine trying to do it while coordinating dance steps with someone else. i don't even know how sane i am or am not. but the queen and i are figuring it out. separation is good for us. must remember.

i am loving all the things that are difficult, and i feel more meaning in my life than i have in years. it's just ... not easy. oh well. blah blah blah insert truism here. stick it out, sista.

dumpling popping her second front tooth is helping a lot, yeah. at least it's just she and i in the middle of the night, so the noise doesn't matter. i've noticed that when she teethes, she doesn't like eating as much and wants more bottles. she threw carrots at me yesterday, and the highchair today had serious rice fall-out. rice gets into crevices.

anyway, times are times are times.

if only i took notes

again, the witticisms have passed and i am left only with the knowledge that it has been some time since i have blogged.

things (exclamation mark). we had a little bird visiting for a few days. culinary delights ensued. we made sushi, which was awesome, and then he hooked us up with a moroccan dish and rice pudding... the plethora of food left over gave me the courage and necessity to make salmon patties. he made me a sandwich. dang, it has been a very long time since someone has made me a sandwich. i find myself remembering especially lousy days in the service industry when i found myself craving the other end of the consumer interaction - having sold things all day, i needed to buy something in an elementary attempt to right the imbalance. it was the same with the sandwich. i have been feeding two other people for a while now, and it was really, really lovely to have someone make ME something. specifically for me.

the queen has gone to visit the awesomes. the dumpling and i were scheduled to go with him, but it seems healthier for he and i to take separate vacations right now, so while i am sad to miss out on the awesomes, i know the benefits will extend into our lives.

and i am already feeling freer in the household than i have in a while. which is mildly disturbing, because i would like to feel this free all the time. at least in my own home, yes?

more nothing or more than nothing

okay, while i have some time (exclamation mark).

the queen went to costco today (in a hideous and fascinating tidbit, we are down to one third of that jar of mayo). i've been trying to make room for the quarter of a steer we're getting in a couple of weeks, and i am proud to say i stuffed the healthy stack of freezer goods (and i use the term 'healthy' as an adjective meaning 'of some size') into the fridge freezer and left the stand-up freezer undisturbed. it is fallow.

if the queen sees things that say "organic" and "gluten-free" he tosses them into the cart knowing i'll be all aglow, so there are often a few surprises. today he surprised me with a super-funky bean mix (seriously, i didn't think mixed beans could get down, but these beans get down like nobody's business) with several quick and easy methods of preparation posted on the back that have me mildly excited.

i've been arranging dried flowers every now and then, and it quite pleases and satisfies me. i feel weird about how much i enjoy it. it's a hobby i didn't see myself having. oh well. guess who we see ourselves as isn't always who we turn into. who knows.

blankey blank blank

it's been forever - sorry, pigeon-mistress.

i've been struggling with the way my blogging has changed. i feel like this is more a chronicle of my activities and less a collection of my witticisms and epiphanies. le sigh. i still have witty and mind-blowing moments, i am just too busy or tired to write them down. maybe that will be my next rebellion. i try and rebel at least once a week. sometimes i stay up late drinking whiskey and writing letters, sometimes i furiously clean the house and pile sir mans-a-lot's various tools back down into the mancave, sometimes i have an illicit bath while the dumpling naps and the dishes pile up (because dishes spawn when you let them lie).

i've been driving more recently. it feels empowering. finally. we've got snow, but it isn't crazy icy yet. just cold.

the dumpling is growing and eats a lot. a lot. also, frequently. it seems like i just got her up and changed her, and then after eating we play for a bit and she goes down for a nap. planning outdoor activities requires a strict "move along, nothing to see here" attitude, which seems weird and forced. but we usually make it out of the house once a day. and we play a lot.

i'm having trouble getting to the stuff i like doing, but i drew a little this evening - oil pastels on a paper bag. fun.

anyway. might as well post this; it isn't getting any more interesting. what am i doing?
parenting takes the lead, learning new skills comes next, then maintenance tasks (laundry, pasta sauce), then art, then blogging and letter-writing. minimum exercise.

okay, here's a tidbit: my favourite feeding is the late night feeding right before i go to bed, especially if i get there first with a ready-to-go bottle. after she guzzles it back she stretches waaay out (like a starfish basking in the awesomeness of the ocean), and while i'm pulling the blankets up, she grabs a hold of the wool blankie knit by my aunt and pulls it over her head. dreams are merely seconds away.

blagga blagga blag

internet, oh yeah.

i've been up in the city with the dumpling, and staying with the wife (we still discuss how she's the husband, and how we're both wives, and how inappropriate it is to describe our relationship with such an analogy). her new place is really cute, and really tiny. also, really internetless until this evening. so of course we're both sitting beside each other, (b)e-ing.

it's nice being up here. firstly, because i'm still depressed. this is helpful because it's information. i know i'm not depressed due solely to location. in fact, conversing with a friend led me to the realisation that after all i've been through in the last year and a half, i probably merit 'coming down' a bit. it's inevitable to have some plateaus. after the dizzying heights and rocket ship trips of late, these plainsy places might feel a tad blah. so that's how i feel. it's reasonable. it will pass. it isn't a tragically deep cesspool of postpartum blues from which i will never arise except as a wraith of a woman, shrouded in grey, wispy, shapeless sweaters.

it's also lovely to miss my manly queen. we've been talking while i'm gone. he's visiting the guys, eating chinese food, leaving beer cans all over the house, etc. to give credit, he is also being nice to the cat, knowing how much she is suffering. it's nice to miss each other. he misses the dumpling, of course. and i miss him both for myself (ze cuddles) and as a relief from parenting. there are many people here who like to hang out with the baby, but they aren't her dad, on whom i rely regularly and have agreements with (i think). the space has been good for us.

and lastly, the city is good for all the reasons it usually boasts: i have shopped 'locally', picked up cheaper expensive cat food, visited with Da Ladies (stay tuned for dumpling's first 'other hippie baby' playdate), enjoyed walking around and eating indian food, visited the bookstore... plus this time i got a massage, which was awesome. someone rubbing my sore spots made me feel simultaneously lucky and sorry for myself.

as i enjoy myself, i look forward to going home. traveling with a baby is weightier. and my home rocks.

nb: spilled water on computer, have no exclamation mark access. insert heavy emotion where you see fit.