September 2, 2011

trouble in hobbiton

been a while since i blogged? not sure; days swim together. the queen doesn't get days off very often anymore so i find it hard to differentiate. there are sunny days and rainy days. i know time passes because i have to water the plants and mow the lawn (ironic, really; here, grow. no, not you!).

i've started a few blog posts, but they just peter out into nothingness. i suspect i fear i have nothing new to share. and i have been writing a lot of letters, which is an indication that i want to connect more on an individual basis, not with a group.

i started this blog as a method to meet a need for expression, but expression with responsibility. in a journal, i can lie to myself, but a blog pushes me to be more honest because someone out there reading could be able to see through my bullshit, and i would rather call myself on it.

i feel bored expressing the same thing: i feel depressed - not horribly depressed, just enough to make the day harder. i feel guilty for feeling depressed, even though it is a reasonable thing that happens to many new parents. i feel guilty because the queen is trying hard to make things nice for me, because he is supporting me while i can spend most of my day in a bathrobe (i don't, but i can - and there's a big psychological difference between working at home and working in public).

i feel trapped in the parenting role, so when i want to talk about the peanut, i cast myself as that person who can't talk about anything else because they have nothing else to bond with other adults over; they don't read the news or take in any art ... they don't have time for introspection.

i feel human when i can go to the city, or when someone takes the peanut for a day, or when we go camping. even though i am just as human when i stare at the dishes for the millionth time and i can't find the energy to do a twenty-minute task because i do it every day, usually twice. but if i am to be honest on this blog, which is the fucking point, i need to find a way to communicate honestly over my typical day, not my atypical day.

so we have identified the challenge. which is enough for me today. we're going to the city for a night; the queen gets this weekend off due to a stat holiday. so i shall feel human briefly again.

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