mothasage?

finally on the road. finished up all thing home-related. parents and midwives have been visited, cups have been peed in, and last-minute boxes have been dropped off at the queen's family's farm. we are at the awesomes' again, though leaving tomorrow. truthfully, i'm having a rough day, but decided to post anyway. food not sitting very well, even though it's good food. baby squirming high and low, clearly as uncomfortable as i. my accomplishment for the day was to post a letter. i also cried a lot and journalled about how scared i feel to start a family.

i dated someone with a large family once. we decided to visit each family for christmas. afterward, i told him that my family made his family look like a circus, and his family made mine look like college roommates; polite but distant. the queen, of course, has a large family, although they're one of the least scary families i've had the pleasure of meeting. but that's just it: i'm scared of families. because i don't understand them, because there's all that emotion that's been stored for years and i can't help but read it, because it's a social structure and i don't feel like i know my part, i don't know. probably all those things. because i didn't like mine.

i liked all the members of my family individually, but i didn't like our family. i wasn't ashamed or anything, i just don't think we fit very well together. besides going to the same college, what do we have in common? we like mac n cheese. seriously. and with dad dead and my sister MIA, there's just my mom and i left from my nuclear family. with mom being remarried, visits home probably resemble those of other people: sure i'll have something to eat, how's the garden, how's the step-siblings... but it feels foreign to me.

cue angst, but i'm too tired. i'll fuck it up; as the queen says, who do you know who's a good candidate for parenthood? we just do the best we can. i guess i wish i had more skills here. no, that's not it. i wish i felt more comfortable in the milieu. i've always been an individual. how to be part of a collective for the next umpteen years? it's a change in my identity.