another post so quickly! praise the internet!
we are in charlottetown, PEI. the smallest province. it is very red. seriously, the soil is red. lots of oxidizing iron in the sandstone or something. tomorrow we are going to visit the sand dunes on the north shore. we're staying in the driveway of an old friend of mine from vancouver; she and i worked together as fundraisers, and became fast friends. we reunited, yes, via facebook, and it is so lovely to see her. eight years sometimes makes no difference at all. she is still her beautiful self and easy to talk to. also, another example of parenting, always handy. i asked her about breast-feeding, diaper choices, labour-division; the ongoing subjects i am turning over in my mind.
she is married to a nice man, with a very cute little boy who is not quite a year old. last night, the guys went for 'a guys night out' (apparently they went to some other guy's house, got drunk and talked about golf) while the two of us and a friend of hers stayed in and talked about relationships. gender, anyone? one subject was how babies affect relationships. her friend had recommended to her that the relationship needs to stay the priority, and my friend commented on the rightness of that statement. she said that when she remembered to keep her relationship the priority, everything else fell into place. making the baby the priority, it seems, takes up all your room for priorities.
she talked about how lucky she feels to be with her husband; another subject was abusive relationships, which seem to be some kind of evil theme lately. while i commented on how it seems to me to be these men whom i never would have predicted would be emotionally and/or physically abusive - these gentle, gentle men who have said to my friends things like "i just want to hit you" over and over, who have pushed them to the ground and blamed the woman's behaviour ("you're crazy, it was self-defence," because she was yelling at him), who have manipulated fights into being all her fault so they could avoid facing up to their own contribution to the problem, who have for years convinced these women that they deserved it, they are at fault for what someone else is doing to them, they prompt him to be violent.
my friend, she is stuck on how smart these women are who stay with abusive men, who go back to the man, who tell my friend this time he'll change because he has said he'll stop drinking, has said he will go through therapy, has talked with his mouth instead of his hands today. and maybe he will stop, but if he has hit you, don't you think he needs to prove that change before you move back in with your child? you have a masters in psychology and he's got you wrapped around his little finger.
the queen and i were talking this morning (well, this afternoon; we had a delicious sleep-in) and i commented on how i have left men for far less than the struggles he and i have faced. i have left men in the middle of roadtrips, resulting in me moving to other cities or hitchiking back across a province or two by myself, with very little money. i have left these men for less because i refused to be trapped by them, even if it was their vehicle i was travelling in. i refused to be the person with less power, and leaving them was my expression of my own power: you don't own me. they were so surprised.
but i am not leaving the queen. and it is not about what we suffer through; it is because i have committed. it was my decision. and it happened before the pregnancy; we had an epic fight and he tried to break up with me before i got pregnant; he was having trouble with my close relationships with some of my exes. i have never tried to talk anyone out of leaving a relationship with me; i understand, based on the previous paragraph, how important it is to respect someone's decision about their own liberty. but i talked him out of it. i sensed it was fear-based, i sensed that what he was afraid of wasn't true. i knew i would stay with him and be faithful, i knew those friendships were just friendships and the queen and i would get past this moment. there is more to be mined from this union, and i knew and know it. instead, i asked him to marry me.
and my decision to stay, it is not regardless of anything. there are dealbreakers: don't hit me, don't rape me, don't beat the children (my friend in pei says her list of dealbreakers includes born-again christianity; you find jesus, she says, and it's over). but i see how these women, especially the ones with children, how they stay in the face of adversity. they have committed. and when you commit, you commit to suffering. you don't walk away just because it gets difficult. so how do i make sure i don't stay in the face of something that takes away from my own personal well-being? other than honouring my dealbreakers (and really honouring them, not rationalizing that this was different, this wouldn't happen again) how do i find the balance?
the queen says it's a balance between commitment and rationality. but i find that commitment isn't terribly rational to begin with. look at our history as a species. making a monogamous commitment, even though i am perfectly happy doing so, flies in the face of recorded history. as a species, we are lousy at monogamy. i have always been at peace with this, never bothered trying too hard to keep anyone. but now i am taking it on. i am flexing my commitment muscles. and it feels good!
why the queen? he fascinates me. i like these parts of him, these reading, music-playing, thoughtful parts of him, these drinking, farming parts of him. i like how he isn't what he looks like, how he has these seemingly incongruous personality aspects (engine-grease-soaked farmboy who loves not just books but literature, man who loves cats and babies and respects his mother but can fight and cuss and get completely wasted, hard worker who will uncomplainingly work fifteen-hour days for weeks and then tell off a wankerish supervisor and quit on the spot; i could go on). i like how i understand him in the way that i don't take his behaviour personally, but not in the way that his reasons are transparent to me. he has depth.
in montreal, when we had our fight, his friend (brother of the awesomes) talked to me about the queen, talked to me about his childhood, asked me why i think he is so different from his brothers. i learned more about the queen that night and it made me want to keep learning. it made me love him more. it made me want to be gentler with him, and show him more of my love. this is new depth for me.
October 30, 2010
October 28, 2010
i could live here
ah, the maritimes. currently in fredericton, new brunswick; a cute little government city on the river, with beautiful old houses. as much as i had fun in montreal, this is more my pace. though we nearly lost our minds today in a sneaky hate spiral. true to recipe, our day started poorly; in a mall parking lot, the queen couldn't sleep, i had to wait in line at a medicentre to discover i still have my UTI :( and then we went to the hospital so i could pee in more cups. after missing the easy pharmacy, we got lost finding the complicated one, then the queen realised he had lost the cap to the diesel tank and we'd been pissing money away for half the day. the clincher was not being able to find a place where we could replace it, and then losing a small but important tool somewhere in the depths of hank (still haven't found it) and i desperately needed a nap but felt too stressed out to take one. the queen doesn't mind hardships and challenges if he can do something about them, but take away his ability to solve and he swears like a very angry irishman.
eventually, we ate chips and calmed down. the sneaky hate spiral is difficult to climb out of, but it can be done. the queen found a way to fix something, i lay down for a brief nap in the parking lot of canadian tire, and it got better. we even salvaged enough of the day to make it worth having awoken at all. the queen took some pictures of the quaint downtown while i took an epic nap, and then we went out for supper at the blue door. we had the duck, and it was incredible. i had never had duck before, and i don't know if it will ever be this good again. damn. that was some fine duck.
we then went browsing through bookstores. the queen found a vonnegut he didn't have and i found a really cool book on time by sean carroll. i will keep you posted on how that is. it reads quite well at the beginning. speaking of books, have i raved about the book of flying yet? i'm more into sci-fi than fantasy but this fantasy book is gorgeous. the style is really lyrical, but it doesn't eclipse the plot, which moves at a faster pace than most fantasy books do. one thing that drives me a bit crazy about fantasy is the amount of time the author spends describing the land and the customs of the land, whose brother owns what castle and what the fuck that creature is. sometimes, that's really well done and i love it (the silmarillion, for example). but most of the time i yawn and put it down. the book of flying does not fall into this pit of masturbatory boredom. it introduces each character simply, describes the land that pico, the librarian, is travelling through, and then moves on. the writing style is so... i want to say pretty, but it's dreamier than that. the marriage of dreamy style and succinct plot keeps me engaged while letting me dwell on specific phrases; like a chocolate mousse that is neither too rich nor too sweet - you can just keep eating and you don't overdo it. anyway. rant rant rant.
back to our evening, it's a perfect date. which is nice, because we had some relationship stress in montreal. i won't go into it now, since it's all over and pretty well resolved, but it was rather stressful at the time. so it feels nice to have some intimacy. dinner and a bookstore; that's our style all right. then go rock the bus, har har har. as i was done napping this afternoon, i heard a woman walk past and say, in a disdainful and disbelieving tone, "they live in a schoolbus?" i decided afterward i should have yelled out "and we're in your neighbourhood!" the queen thinks i should have added "and we're breeding!"
i guess we do live in a schoolbus. i tend to think that we are on a roadtrip, but in most people's worlds, roadtrips are maybe slightly less lengthy, and they are still paying rent or mortgage somewhere. i tried to think if i use that tone of disdain for anyone, and the queen and i agreed i use it on people who use that tone on other people (in the nature of being intolerant of intolerance).
tomorrow, PEI. i want to write about the fog, the mistiness, i want to write about this amazing love, i want to write about the little gymnast inside me (the queen took some good bump pics, i promise i will post them. they are more bulge than bump now; i just entered my third trimester! woot woot!). but the cafe is closing. soon.
October 23, 2010
cities and friends
montréal! we have had a very busy past few days. leaving owen sound, we busted through toronto for lunch with my friend who is under house arrest, awaiting her G20 trial. she made a kickass stirfry and we discussed relationships, lawyers and skills she could learn while she is housebound for the next two years or so.
then we flew the coop before rush hour got too bad, and made our way out to marmora, a tiny town halfway between ottawa and toronto. i haven't seen the couple that moved out there a year and a half ago to raise their then-newborn, so it was lovely to see the acreage they've been staying on, and the barn they've been slowly converting. old barns in ontario are way nicer than old barns in alberta; stone foundations and such. they have a spring-fed pond and walking trails on their property. we parked the bus on a field for the night and enjoyed the supper and child antics (and there were definitely antics. strong will, that little one). in the early morning, i enjoyed a squatting pee in the company of about twenty wild turkeys. they were just chilling nearby. it was my favourite outdoor pee so far this trip.
tuesday morning we took off late after a gorgeous walk and went to ottawa, where we met a good friend of mine for lunch. her eight-month old just got weaned from the nipple (after drawing blood!) and the little girl we left was a year-and-a-half and still suckles. each child seems healthy and happy: it's nice to know there are many parenting options. the friend we went for supper with later that evening (south indian; lentil doughnuts didn't have any gluten, oh god) talked about his brother reading parenting books that not only contradicted each other directly but also carried heavy moral overtones; you parent the wrong way and you're a bad person. awesome. fuck that. he said his brother just put the books down and did whatever made sense to him. sounds good.
so many family styles! the marmora couple spends a lot of time together, even though he's building in the barn and she's parenting in the woods. my friend with her eight-month old is military; her partner is in afghanistan. he left just after the birth and has only been home once. the queen wants to be around for the birth and afterward, he wants to spend time with us before he goes back to work. and he would like to find a day job, not seasonal work. but each child looked healthy and happy. it's reassuring to see such variety leading to sweet kids. i know there are ways i don't want to parent, but it's good to know good parenting can happen within different lifestyles.
we crashed in ottawa for the night and walked through this beautiful cemetery the next day. the link doesn't really cover how awesome it is. we found an old asian cemetery within it, segregated by tall bushes. i, of course, found the baby cemetery. to get to it, we walked through a marsh. and the trees in this cemetery! there was a yellow birch growing right around a tombstone. gorgeous.
it was a very awesome morning, only slightly marred by my feeling dizzy and us having to curtail the walk and missing out on the crazy phallic tombstone section. i slept the entire way to montreal but still felt fuzzy. we parked in a public park with public washrooms and hippie vans nearby and ventured out for sushi, which always makes me feel funny even though i swear i'm not ingesting gluten. but i was craving it, so what else could i do? it's fucking freezing in montreal, and they all think this is warm. the wind cuts to the bone. i'm wearing two pairs of pants right now. it's crazy.
yesterday was less disorienting. we met up with the brother of mr awesome, and he made us supper. mmm, ribs. also, i used his shower, which, bachelor as he is, he cleaned in preparation for my female standards. i appreciated it. you know, i'm not terribly religious, but hot showers always made me invoke deities and afterlives. this was an especially blessingish shower. the hot, oh the hot. and the pressure, oh the pressure. you, reader, you better appreciate your shower.
today it is slightly warmer and we came out to an internet café. on the way we found a record shop. oops. yeah. seventy-five dollars later... but the sarah vaughan! oh my. also, i hope i like that talking heads album. sometimes they're really weird. tonight, the books. glory.
all in all, since i am so food-focused, i give montreal three points for supplying me with a gluten-free, sugar-free chocolate square that made me very happy, but i take away four points for not having gluten-free poutine. how hard is it to replace flour in the brown sauce? apparently there's gluten-free vegan poutine, but that is not what i want. i want cheese. sigh.
then we flew the coop before rush hour got too bad, and made our way out to marmora, a tiny town halfway between ottawa and toronto. i haven't seen the couple that moved out there a year and a half ago to raise their then-newborn, so it was lovely to see the acreage they've been staying on, and the barn they've been slowly converting. old barns in ontario are way nicer than old barns in alberta; stone foundations and such. they have a spring-fed pond and walking trails on their property. we parked the bus on a field for the night and enjoyed the supper and child antics (and there were definitely antics. strong will, that little one). in the early morning, i enjoyed a squatting pee in the company of about twenty wild turkeys. they were just chilling nearby. it was my favourite outdoor pee so far this trip.
tuesday morning we took off late after a gorgeous walk and went to ottawa, where we met a good friend of mine for lunch. her eight-month old just got weaned from the nipple (after drawing blood!) and the little girl we left was a year-and-a-half and still suckles. each child seems healthy and happy: it's nice to know there are many parenting options. the friend we went for supper with later that evening (south indian; lentil doughnuts didn't have any gluten, oh god) talked about his brother reading parenting books that not only contradicted each other directly but also carried heavy moral overtones; you parent the wrong way and you're a bad person. awesome. fuck that. he said his brother just put the books down and did whatever made sense to him. sounds good.
so many family styles! the marmora couple spends a lot of time together, even though he's building in the barn and she's parenting in the woods. my friend with her eight-month old is military; her partner is in afghanistan. he left just after the birth and has only been home once. the queen wants to be around for the birth and afterward, he wants to spend time with us before he goes back to work. and he would like to find a day job, not seasonal work. but each child looked healthy and happy. it's reassuring to see such variety leading to sweet kids. i know there are ways i don't want to parent, but it's good to know good parenting can happen within different lifestyles.
we crashed in ottawa for the night and walked through this beautiful cemetery the next day. the link doesn't really cover how awesome it is. we found an old asian cemetery within it, segregated by tall bushes. i, of course, found the baby cemetery. to get to it, we walked through a marsh. and the trees in this cemetery! there was a yellow birch growing right around a tombstone. gorgeous.
it was a very awesome morning, only slightly marred by my feeling dizzy and us having to curtail the walk and missing out on the crazy phallic tombstone section. i slept the entire way to montreal but still felt fuzzy. we parked in a public park with public washrooms and hippie vans nearby and ventured out for sushi, which always makes me feel funny even though i swear i'm not ingesting gluten. but i was craving it, so what else could i do? it's fucking freezing in montreal, and they all think this is warm. the wind cuts to the bone. i'm wearing two pairs of pants right now. it's crazy.
yesterday was less disorienting. we met up with the brother of mr awesome, and he made us supper. mmm, ribs. also, i used his shower, which, bachelor as he is, he cleaned in preparation for my female standards. i appreciated it. you know, i'm not terribly religious, but hot showers always made me invoke deities and afterlives. this was an especially blessingish shower. the hot, oh the hot. and the pressure, oh the pressure. you, reader, you better appreciate your shower.
today it is slightly warmer and we came out to an internet café. on the way we found a record shop. oops. yeah. seventy-five dollars later... but the sarah vaughan! oh my. also, i hope i like that talking heads album. sometimes they're really weird. tonight, the books. glory.
all in all, since i am so food-focused, i give montreal three points for supplying me with a gluten-free, sugar-free chocolate square that made me very happy, but i take away four points for not having gluten-free poutine. how hard is it to replace flour in the brown sauce? apparently there's gluten-free vegan poutine, but that is not what i want. i want cheese. sigh.
October 18, 2010
because i am THIS interesting.
what a relaxing day!
the hospital didn't have my results yesterday, so we stayed another day here with the titian-haired nutritional vixen and her sweet cat. the queen came down with a flu-like thing, so he stayed in bed yesterday and today, suffering. i visited with some lovely ladies yesterday, spent a lot of time eating, and did nothing much. today, the vixen was working and then teaching a night nutrition class, so i have had a real house to myself all day. i forgot how much strength i get from solitude. i did some things you can only do with running water, and tidied up the bus a bit. i had cups and cups of liquid (score is 8 cups water and 3 cups tea so far), farted around on the internet, and learned that the hospital thinks the penicillin they gave me is doing the trick. i have to get myself checked out again when the pill bottle is empty just to make sure, but other than that we are free to go.
i think this pregnancy thing might be what i need to get over my fear of mainstream healthcare practicioners. i am already an expert at peeing in a cup.
we are a bit behind schedule. we only have a schedule because we have tickets to see the books (yay i am so excited!) in montreal this weekend. so in the next two days, we are visiting a friend in toronto (who would probably want you to watch this video if she were allowed to express a political opinion), a family in marmora and two friends in ottawa. then we hit montreal, where we intend to stay for a few days and soak up some lovely, lovely culture. like food. and books. and, for the queen, beer.
i want to know when i can eat m&m's again. yes really. i miss them. i want to say i'm dreaming about them, but in reality i am having far more disturbing dreams than that. i don't want to get into them because i know dreams are only interesting to the person who has them and anyone who makes a cameo appearance in someone else's dreams. but they have been weird. i would welcome a dream about m&m's. mmmm, sugar.
the vixen's cat is curled up on my hoodie in a very proprietary manner. named poz, this cat is small and affectionate, complains vociferously if you are not sitting down for her pleasure and will carve out a lap given the tiniest sliver of horizontal surface. it's not just the cat that comforts me here. the lovely art and textile hangings, the creative pottery, the great selection of books and music; the vixen has a lovely home and has shared it so well with us. it has been a welcome respite in the ongoing "where are we going to shower?" game which will begin again tomorrow. onward, hank!
the hospital didn't have my results yesterday, so we stayed another day here with the titian-haired nutritional vixen and her sweet cat. the queen came down with a flu-like thing, so he stayed in bed yesterday and today, suffering. i visited with some lovely ladies yesterday, spent a lot of time eating, and did nothing much. today, the vixen was working and then teaching a night nutrition class, so i have had a real house to myself all day. i forgot how much strength i get from solitude. i did some things you can only do with running water, and tidied up the bus a bit. i had cups and cups of liquid (score is 8 cups water and 3 cups tea so far), farted around on the internet, and learned that the hospital thinks the penicillin they gave me is doing the trick. i have to get myself checked out again when the pill bottle is empty just to make sure, but other than that we are free to go.
i think this pregnancy thing might be what i need to get over my fear of mainstream healthcare practicioners. i am already an expert at peeing in a cup.
we are a bit behind schedule. we only have a schedule because we have tickets to see the books (yay i am so excited!) in montreal this weekend. so in the next two days, we are visiting a friend in toronto (who would probably want you to watch this video if she were allowed to express a political opinion), a family in marmora and two friends in ottawa. then we hit montreal, where we intend to stay for a few days and soak up some lovely, lovely culture. like food. and books. and, for the queen, beer.
i want to know when i can eat m&m's again. yes really. i miss them. i want to say i'm dreaming about them, but in reality i am having far more disturbing dreams than that. i don't want to get into them because i know dreams are only interesting to the person who has them and anyone who makes a cameo appearance in someone else's dreams. but they have been weird. i would welcome a dream about m&m's. mmmm, sugar.
the vixen's cat is curled up on my hoodie in a very proprietary manner. named poz, this cat is small and affectionate, complains vociferously if you are not sitting down for her pleasure and will carve out a lap given the tiniest sliver of horizontal surface. it's not just the cat that comforts me here. the lovely art and textile hangings, the creative pottery, the great selection of books and music; the vixen has a lovely home and has shared it so well with us. it has been a welcome respite in the ongoing "where are we going to shower?" game which will begin again tomorrow. onward, hank!
October 15, 2010
ups and downs
back in canada. i never thought a 7-11 could look so good. we're staying with the red-haired nutritional vixen in southern ontario. it looks like we'll be here for a few days, since i seem to have a bladder infection. :( apparently they're pretty common in pregnancy, but i feel sad and disappointed. this is my first. the establishment has me on antibiotics, and i have to stick around for a few days to makes sure my bad little bodies aren't immune to the vengeful heroes i swallow three times a day (ever since i was a kid i've personalized my immune system. it really helps with the visualizations).
fortunately, the town is quaint and has gluten-free dining options. hank could use a few days of chillness, and the queen might take off for a day so we can each have some solo time. especially in the states, we've been sticking pretty closely together since we started out. it's healthy to remember how to miss each other.
after wisconsin, we drove through michigan. the upper peninsula seems like it's miles from anywhere else, and the locals (called "yoopers") are weird and proud of it. the great lakes are big enough to connote the sea - you cannot see the other shore. we drove over the mackinac bridge and then we were pretty much done with michigan, so we stuck to the interstate to get back to canada faster.
i just finished a great collection of ursula leguin's science fiction stories, published under the title "a fisherman of the inland sea". in it, there's a story of space travelers. the custom is to spend some time together before the journey connecting, building up their rapport. they call that period an "isyeye". basically, it's the coming together of something if it is going to come together at all. this trip is an isyeye for the queen and i. it's our chance not just to get to know each other better, but to learn if/how we work together.
for example, the bladder infection. normally i am pretty blasé about my physical health: i don't have a very strong connection to my body, so i just try and put the right things in often enough that i don't have to worry about it. i have been trying to develop more of a body connection, but i still know my brain far better.
being pregnant means i need to take my body more seriously; i need to pay attention and take less risks. this stresses me out. when i realised i might have a bladder infection, which increases the risk of developmental delays and preterm labour, i totally shut down. i don't like being solely responsable for this child's life. it sucks. i am excited to bring it into the world where the queen can bear some of the weight. i know he is looking forward to that moment as well.
he spoke sharply to me as we got to the hospital, probably because i was totally distracted and not helping with anything (the bladder infection grew in my mind until it ate my baby and reduced me to catheters), and then i got scared in the hospital (i do not like large buildings, i do not feel comfortable in new places and i don't like sharing my body with strangers, so there i was, profoundly unhappy). my feeling scared in a "legitimate" environment (where people aren't supposed to be scared - my fear in a dark alley looks totally different) leads to meekness, which sparks frustration in the queen (i think), so we were not the happy couple in the emergency waiting room. having driven a lot on little sleep probably didn't help.
i wanted the queen to be strong so that i could be weak. that was an expectation and an assumption of mine. if i had been single, i would not have behaved the same way. it frustrates me when i find situations where my behaviour changes because of who is around. i mean, i know that is inevitable, but it bothers me when i feel like i am bringing less of myself to the table because i think someone else can contribute that attribute better than i.
i also feel sad that we've been finding a good groove together lately, but we couldn't do that very well. i guess stressful situations maybe aren't the easiest things to build teamwork through, but they are the ultimate testing ground. the queen apologized for his frustration but i wasn't really interested in paying attention, because i couldn't think about anything else until i asked the doctor about the baby. the baby seems fine. ze was quiet for a couple of days, but that may have been my stress and the travelling as much as anything, because i felt ze kick a few times this evening. and i feel happy. damn motherhood, it's got me already.
fortunately, the town is quaint and has gluten-free dining options. hank could use a few days of chillness, and the queen might take off for a day so we can each have some solo time. especially in the states, we've been sticking pretty closely together since we started out. it's healthy to remember how to miss each other.
after wisconsin, we drove through michigan. the upper peninsula seems like it's miles from anywhere else, and the locals (called "yoopers") are weird and proud of it. the great lakes are big enough to connote the sea - you cannot see the other shore. we drove over the mackinac bridge and then we were pretty much done with michigan, so we stuck to the interstate to get back to canada faster.
i just finished a great collection of ursula leguin's science fiction stories, published under the title "a fisherman of the inland sea". in it, there's a story of space travelers. the custom is to spend some time together before the journey connecting, building up their rapport. they call that period an "isyeye". basically, it's the coming together of something if it is going to come together at all. this trip is an isyeye for the queen and i. it's our chance not just to get to know each other better, but to learn if/how we work together.
for example, the bladder infection. normally i am pretty blasé about my physical health: i don't have a very strong connection to my body, so i just try and put the right things in often enough that i don't have to worry about it. i have been trying to develop more of a body connection, but i still know my brain far better.
being pregnant means i need to take my body more seriously; i need to pay attention and take less risks. this stresses me out. when i realised i might have a bladder infection, which increases the risk of developmental delays and preterm labour, i totally shut down. i don't like being solely responsable for this child's life. it sucks. i am excited to bring it into the world where the queen can bear some of the weight. i know he is looking forward to that moment as well.
he spoke sharply to me as we got to the hospital, probably because i was totally distracted and not helping with anything (the bladder infection grew in my mind until it ate my baby and reduced me to catheters), and then i got scared in the hospital (i do not like large buildings, i do not feel comfortable in new places and i don't like sharing my body with strangers, so there i was, profoundly unhappy). my feeling scared in a "legitimate" environment (where people aren't supposed to be scared - my fear in a dark alley looks totally different) leads to meekness, which sparks frustration in the queen (i think), so we were not the happy couple in the emergency waiting room. having driven a lot on little sleep probably didn't help.
i wanted the queen to be strong so that i could be weak. that was an expectation and an assumption of mine. if i had been single, i would not have behaved the same way. it frustrates me when i find situations where my behaviour changes because of who is around. i mean, i know that is inevitable, but it bothers me when i feel like i am bringing less of myself to the table because i think someone else can contribute that attribute better than i.
i also feel sad that we've been finding a good groove together lately, but we couldn't do that very well. i guess stressful situations maybe aren't the easiest things to build teamwork through, but they are the ultimate testing ground. the queen apologized for his frustration but i wasn't really interested in paying attention, because i couldn't think about anything else until i asked the doctor about the baby. the baby seems fine. ze was quiet for a couple of days, but that may have been my stress and the travelling as much as anything, because i felt ze kick a few times this evening. and i feel happy. damn motherhood, it's got me already.
October 12, 2010
toasting ashland
welcome to ashland, wisconsin. home of the micro-brewery we went to dinner at last night (our version of canadian thanksgiving included steak and seafood and smiling at each other). it made me happy to see a list of local farms and businesses that the brewery's restaurant supports. i revelled in the co-op i went to this morning, as well as the black cat café next door, where i am currently blogging and the queen is uploading photos to his computer and journalling, looking far sexier than you can imagine. i love that there is a little community here, and that it feels familiar because i can identify elements of a community: people and groups supporting each other in a way that all, including the children, can grow and prosper.
the pace of our travelling has slowed down, which is really really lovely. town names i have enjoyed include Nary and Wawina. signs i have cringed at include "Ask God Who To Vote For" and "Chicken - Crispy and Moisturized". moisturized chicken? what, we slathering hand lotion on these birds before we fry 'em? i am ashamed to say the chicken sign is in canada.
we stopped in grand rapids the night before last, and camped beside a lakeside beach. in the middle of the night, we were still up for some reason, and we saw a minivan pull up in front of a house and three black-clad figures hop out with leaf bags, which they proceeded to rip open and spread over a pristine lawn. drive-by leafing. ominous. the next day we went in to a sport store and the queen looked at handguns while i looked at camo onesies (called "the little shooter"). neither of us purchased said things, much to the relief of the other one.
yesterday, we drove through duluth. we had debated stopping there, but were too stunned to get off the highway. it was very... industrial. shockingly so. we decided it would have a desolate beauty in the winter, and i added that i would only feel safe living there if my dad lived there. he would know all the scary people, i decided. we took a lot of pictures from the bus. it probably doesn't help that we've been watching "the wire" as we travel, and are now terrified of baltimore, and by extension, all american cities.
they were doing construction on the bridge, and we marvelled that the construction workers looked the same as they did back home: there was the guy in shades with a moustache, the guy with grey stubble, the young guy who looked pissed off and was likely to injure himself before the year was out ... only missing was the woman in white pants, chewing gum and holding a 'slow' sign.
pregnancy update: 22 weeks, all's well. we have decided that my uterus is the size of either a large grapefruit or an acorn squash. did you know the placenta is classified as an organ? i have an extra organ for four more months! i've been reading ina may's guide to childbirth and am quite excited to give birth now. i have learned how it can be empowering. bring on the rushes! i was writing to another pregnant friend that i have struggled a bit to find where my maternal urges are without losing any other part of me. this book has helped me find a part of me that i simply didn't need before. i'm not so much different as bigger.
sigh. much bigger. the queen tells me i am beautiful, and i don't exactly feel ugly but i do miss my flatter body. and the ability to treat it selfishly. i miss the ability to bend and turn without thinking carefully. i have begun to put my socks on by bending my leg sideways.
the pace of our travelling has slowed down, which is really really lovely. town names i have enjoyed include Nary and Wawina. signs i have cringed at include "Ask God Who To Vote For" and "Chicken - Crispy and Moisturized". moisturized chicken? what, we slathering hand lotion on these birds before we fry 'em? i am ashamed to say the chicken sign is in canada.
we stopped in grand rapids the night before last, and camped beside a lakeside beach. in the middle of the night, we were still up for some reason, and we saw a minivan pull up in front of a house and three black-clad figures hop out with leaf bags, which they proceeded to rip open and spread over a pristine lawn. drive-by leafing. ominous. the next day we went in to a sport store and the queen looked at handguns while i looked at camo onesies (called "the little shooter"). neither of us purchased said things, much to the relief of the other one.
yesterday, we drove through duluth. we had debated stopping there, but were too stunned to get off the highway. it was very... industrial. shockingly so. we decided it would have a desolate beauty in the winter, and i added that i would only feel safe living there if my dad lived there. he would know all the scary people, i decided. we took a lot of pictures from the bus. it probably doesn't help that we've been watching "the wire" as we travel, and are now terrified of baltimore, and by extension, all american cities.
they were doing construction on the bridge, and we marvelled that the construction workers looked the same as they did back home: there was the guy in shades with a moustache, the guy with grey stubble, the young guy who looked pissed off and was likely to injure himself before the year was out ... only missing was the woman in white pants, chewing gum and holding a 'slow' sign.
pregnancy update: 22 weeks, all's well. we have decided that my uterus is the size of either a large grapefruit or an acorn squash. did you know the placenta is classified as an organ? i have an extra organ for four more months! i've been reading ina may's guide to childbirth and am quite excited to give birth now. i have learned how it can be empowering. bring on the rushes! i was writing to another pregnant friend that i have struggled a bit to find where my maternal urges are without losing any other part of me. this book has helped me find a part of me that i simply didn't need before. i'm not so much different as bigger.
sigh. much bigger. the queen tells me i am beautiful, and i don't exactly feel ugly but i do miss my flatter body. and the ability to treat it selfishly. i miss the ability to bend and turn without thinking carefully. i have begun to put my socks on by bending my leg sideways.
October 10, 2010
thanks willie. thanks a lot.
of course, "on the road again" is tilting through my mind. before we left the awesomes, mz awesome played it on the banjo, and i learned another line: "the life i love is playing music with my friends". i haven't played music with my friends in a long time. there are some things i cannot or do not want to do, thank you hormones. the queen and i played cribbage the other night, and i had absolutely no interest. sigh. of course i lost.
what is new? well, i feel better than i did at last posting. with help from russell hoban (well, kleinzeit, really) and a bit from nick drake, i realised that you get the time you get. you get the baby you get. wheeling and dealing is not going to work out the way you want it to, so while you can still try and change what you have, acceptance is key to not going insane. and i found some.
yesterday, we visited my grandma's grave in the awesomest cemetery. i also found my great uncle, and my great grandparents. i couldn't remember the name of my great great grandmother, who is also there, so her stone went untended. sad.
then, we drove south and visited my barely alive great aunt. also sad. she was clearly happy to see me, but i'm not sure she knew who i was. i left her a card and a kiss when they put her down for a nap.
then we got shaken by the border patrol when they found the queen's hookah and assumed it was for smoking marijuana. of course it isn't, and of course they didn't find any, but they took the bus apart looking. oddly enough, while they were miffed that brian dare occasionally (so occasionally we forgot it was there) smoke flavoured tobacco, they didn't even mention the full-length samurai sword also in the bus. welcome to america, where you have the right to defend your person with ancient weapons you carry around in your vehicle, but not to get high, or do anything that might resemble getting high.
once freely let into the greatest country in the world, we stopped at dale's truck stop, home of a drive-thru beer store and lounge, with ponies tied up outside. yeah, really. wow. then we drove through a thunderstorm. i love thunderstorms on the prairies. it's beautiful here.
today, we're leaving north dakota for michigan on our southern tour around the great lakes, and then going back into ontario (that's right, orange-haired nutritional vixen, we're headed your way!). may our way be paved with happiness and smooth roads.
what is new? well, i feel better than i did at last posting. with help from russell hoban (well, kleinzeit, really) and a bit from nick drake, i realised that you get the time you get. you get the baby you get. wheeling and dealing is not going to work out the way you want it to, so while you can still try and change what you have, acceptance is key to not going insane. and i found some.
yesterday, we visited my grandma's grave in the awesomest cemetery. i also found my great uncle, and my great grandparents. i couldn't remember the name of my great great grandmother, who is also there, so her stone went untended. sad.
then, we drove south and visited my barely alive great aunt. also sad. she was clearly happy to see me, but i'm not sure she knew who i was. i left her a card and a kiss when they put her down for a nap.
then we got shaken by the border patrol when they found the queen's hookah and assumed it was for smoking marijuana. of course it isn't, and of course they didn't find any, but they took the bus apart looking. oddly enough, while they were miffed that brian dare occasionally (so occasionally we forgot it was there) smoke flavoured tobacco, they didn't even mention the full-length samurai sword also in the bus. welcome to america, where you have the right to defend your person with ancient weapons you carry around in your vehicle, but not to get high, or do anything that might resemble getting high.
once freely let into the greatest country in the world, we stopped at dale's truck stop, home of a drive-thru beer store and lounge, with ponies tied up outside. yeah, really. wow. then we drove through a thunderstorm. i love thunderstorms on the prairies. it's beautiful here.
today, we're leaving north dakota for michigan on our southern tour around the great lakes, and then going back into ontario (that's right, orange-haired nutritional vixen, we're headed your way!). may our way be paved with happiness and smooth roads.
October 6, 2010
mothasage?
finally on the road. finished up all thing home-related. parents and midwives have been visited, cups have been peed in, and last-minute boxes have been dropped off at the queen's family's farm. we are at the awesomes' again, though leaving tomorrow. truthfully, i'm having a rough day, but decided to post anyway. food not sitting very well, even though it's good food. baby squirming high and low, clearly as uncomfortable as i. my accomplishment for the day was to post a letter. i also cried a lot and journalled about how scared i feel to start a family.
i dated someone with a large family once. we decided to visit each family for christmas. afterward, i told him that my family made his family look like a circus, and his family made mine look like college roommates; polite but distant. the queen, of course, has a large family, although they're one of the least scary families i've had the pleasure of meeting. but that's just it: i'm scared of families. because i don't understand them, because there's all that emotion that's been stored for years and i can't help but read it, because it's a social structure and i don't feel like i know my part, i don't know. probably all those things. because i didn't like mine.
i liked all the members of my family individually, but i didn't like our family. i wasn't ashamed or anything, i just don't think we fit very well together. besides going to the same college, what do we have in common? we like mac n cheese. seriously. and with dad dead and my sister MIA, there's just my mom and i left from my nuclear family. with mom being remarried, visits home probably resemble those of other people: sure i'll have something to eat, how's the garden, how's the step-siblings... but it feels foreign to me.
cue angst, but i'm too tired. i'll fuck it up; as the queen says, who do you know who's a good candidate for parenthood? we just do the best we can. i guess i wish i had more skills here. no, that's not it. i wish i felt more comfortable in the milieu. i've always been an individual. how to be part of a collective for the next umpteen years? it's a change in my identity.
i dated someone with a large family once. we decided to visit each family for christmas. afterward, i told him that my family made his family look like a circus, and his family made mine look like college roommates; polite but distant. the queen, of course, has a large family, although they're one of the least scary families i've had the pleasure of meeting. but that's just it: i'm scared of families. because i don't understand them, because there's all that emotion that's been stored for years and i can't help but read it, because it's a social structure and i don't feel like i know my part, i don't know. probably all those things. because i didn't like mine.
i liked all the members of my family individually, but i didn't like our family. i wasn't ashamed or anything, i just don't think we fit very well together. besides going to the same college, what do we have in common? we like mac n cheese. seriously. and with dad dead and my sister MIA, there's just my mom and i left from my nuclear family. with mom being remarried, visits home probably resemble those of other people: sure i'll have something to eat, how's the garden, how's the step-siblings... but it feels foreign to me.
cue angst, but i'm too tired. i'll fuck it up; as the queen says, who do you know who's a good candidate for parenthood? we just do the best we can. i guess i wish i had more skills here. no, that's not it. i wish i felt more comfortable in the milieu. i've always been an individual. how to be part of a collective for the next umpteen years? it's a change in my identity.
October 2, 2010
gracious time
back from the mini-travels, sitting in the back yard of the gnome home. we went to saskatchewan for the week, to visit with the awesomes, a family the queen knows from way back (i met them all briefly through fieldofdreams probably eight or ten years back). this family was at ness creek festival. having escaped the city, the awesomes now live in a lovely small town, so we parked in their driveway for a few days. a little robin was there, and cooked us meal after meal; chunks of local meat, gluten-free pie with whipped cream, pickled beet salad, roasted squash... it was like holiday dinner, twice a day. such love. and saskatchewan is beautiful; the prairies are something amazing.
we went into the city to watch caribou, and it was a good show, but i mostly felt pregnant. we crashed in the city that night, and the queen fiddled around with the bus, trying to figure out a problem: it wasn't the alternator, it was the inverter - he needed a higher ampage. or something like that. my greasy queen, quickly learning the cummins diesel engine. or possibly already having known it.
we headed back here yesterday, having accidentally gotten sucked into "last-minute" bullshit. it was good though, to have a dry run for travelling. i figured out we needed more rags and some sewing equipment, and can leave behind the LED christmas lights (a game of cribbage by LED just isn't the same).
unfortunately, our last-minute errandry is lagging behind in our fight to be healthy. the queen came down with it far worse than i, but we're both not feeling well. the wife's ex (been hanging out with batdog at the gnome home more these days, it's nice to see) called it "back to reality" sickness, implying it was the city's fault. i like that theory. truthfully we both saw it coming but stayed up late anyway. i'm not doing too bad. the poor queen though; he can chase down labouring cows in fields, but this has hit him like a ton of bricks. i got him some soup and he went back to sleep, ragingly hot and sweaty.
water, soup, bed. fresh market tomatoes. i take care of my queen.
i'm past being able to hide my belly under a massive hoodie. i am visibly pregnant. people are starting to touch my belly, but so far it's still people i know. the queen is going to have to build a wider step down from the bus (hank)'s back bed. i will post bus pictures soon (maybe) but not ultrasounds, sorry. the baby shall remain a mystery for four more months(ish).
we went into the city to watch caribou, and it was a good show, but i mostly felt pregnant. we crashed in the city that night, and the queen fiddled around with the bus, trying to figure out a problem: it wasn't the alternator, it was the inverter - he needed a higher ampage. or something like that. my greasy queen, quickly learning the cummins diesel engine. or possibly already having known it.
we headed back here yesterday, having accidentally gotten sucked into "last-minute" bullshit. it was good though, to have a dry run for travelling. i figured out we needed more rags and some sewing equipment, and can leave behind the LED christmas lights (a game of cribbage by LED just isn't the same).
unfortunately, our last-minute errandry is lagging behind in our fight to be healthy. the queen came down with it far worse than i, but we're both not feeling well. the wife's ex (been hanging out with batdog at the gnome home more these days, it's nice to see) called it "back to reality" sickness, implying it was the city's fault. i like that theory. truthfully we both saw it coming but stayed up late anyway. i'm not doing too bad. the poor queen though; he can chase down labouring cows in fields, but this has hit him like a ton of bricks. i got him some soup and he went back to sleep, ragingly hot and sweaty.
water, soup, bed. fresh market tomatoes. i take care of my queen.
i'm past being able to hide my belly under a massive hoodie. i am visibly pregnant. people are starting to touch my belly, but so far it's still people i know. the queen is going to have to build a wider step down from the bus (hank)'s back bed. i will post bus pictures soon (maybe) but not ultrasounds, sorry. the baby shall remain a mystery for four more months(ish).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
