it was a crappy yesterday morning, but the afternoon rallied and this morning felt entirely livable. i was having some issues with how little i trust, due to a childhood of being let down by parents who couldn't move past their own traumas to a place where they could teach me how to be vulnerable, how to be intimate, how to take care of each other.
i have realized something (with the help of my awesome, purple-wearing, myth-quoting therapist) about how i relate to my family, or at least, the family i have left. i am still trying to change things. i mean, things sucked, so it's understandable. but it has to stop. i can't spend the rest of my life trying to make my family healthier, trying to reverse my childhood.
it's amusing, in a way, because i have, a million times, thought i was done with the family shit. yet... it manages to filter back into my life, like the cat who came back, and every time, it unravels yet another future i am striding toward.
this time, i don't try and fix things. things stay broken? not my problem. i finally see why my sister left. she was trying to protect herself.
this time, i am here for myself. what this changes is everything. stop trying to talk to people so that they'll 'learn'. start only saying what i feel i need to say to help myself.
leave the family by the water. they'll drink if they feel like it. and if they never thirst, that changes nothing about me. i thirst. and i give myself water.
December 22, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment