dinner, in lieu of gaol time

perspective frames this entry. i've been working on making it a less stressful holiday season, and i think it worked. i mean, i cried quietly for the hour it took to get to the family's, but that was more fear and memory working. also, that "helpful" voice in my head telling me how terribly everything will go. it will be worse than your childhood! this voice assured me. but it wasn't.

it's surprising how much power over the stress actually is in my hands. and i listened to that annoying voice and then shared with it another example of how things could go: a mellow example. and i got the fearful voice to admit that neither of those things were happening at the time; reminded it of the peaceful car i was in, with friends of the family whose company i enjoy.

we arrived. i hadn't brought the usual potluck offering; i apologized. my mom just hugged me and the day went on. i guess the traumas that i'm working through from my past are actually that - the past. that's reassuring. maybe i'll remember it when the next trauma comes along: someday, all this will be past.

a friend of mine shared for a moment earlier today how difficult of a time of year it can be for people. this is a depressing time of year, i think he said. i wanted to disagree, but i think he's right. no one warns us that the biggest events are also the biggest pits of danger (or maybe that's what they were saying when i was ignoring them). graduating? welcome to confusion about self-worth! having a kid? test your relationship AND who your friends are, all at the same time! whoo!

i think we don't expect the frequency with which our needs change, and how much stronger our needs are at these epic type of "positive" events. we think they're easy sailing or big celebrations. but we're always losing something, every time we gain or are gifted. the reverse is also true, cloaked in a terrible truism about god trespassing, then breaking in.

odd how life can be extreme (loss, gain, joy, grief) at the same time it is balanced (loss with gain, joy with grief). i think these simultaneously existing opposing truths are preparing me for physics.