April 4, 2009

grace and machinery

i definitely fell off my detox wagon last week and it took almost an entire week to regain the feeling of honest equilibrium; the sensation of living in my body, not a storm.

sake and junk food aren't what i want. and that's the nice thing, is that i am following my own desires, if not all of them. i actually want to put fresh vegetables and fruit in my body. i miss the ability to engage in the snack world, but then i have some dark chocolate and all feels well again.

i know i am still coddling myself a bit; not making myself do what i don't want to do. but i remind myself that my standards are inordinately high; i am organizing an art show, sitting on a board of directors (and being active on it), keeping a job and detoxing. so what if i sit around in the evenings and watch the l word? so what if i've been slacking on reading?

then i remember that many of my activities are still in lieu of what i would actually be doing if i felt free enough to move toward those things. i hold a moment of grief for how long i have kept myself in chains. i reaffirm each freeing moment. and i get up and do something incredibly kind for myself. a bath, some tea, a deep belly laugh.

and i know that i am kind enough to trust myself.

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