tickets for the ferris wheel - rode the roller coaster

i did this! with bijoux. it turned out alright. we accidentally added too much almond extract, so it was a bit sweet. also, i think it needs more booze, though the queen says it works for him, so now i feel like a big lush. but i'm still going to add more booze to the next batch. and there will be a next batch, because homemade irish cream is surprisingly easy to make, and if you buy ingredients by the case, cheaper! solstice/christmas gifts - check.

we went to an equinox gathering put on by a crowd i "used to hang out with". except there were actually a high number of reasonably close friends there! i was pleased. everyone cooed over the dumpling, i was only annoyed several times by shit from this dictionary of mockery. if you've spent years going to ritualized festivals put on by people trying to reinvent community because they've been raised without it, and grown annoyed by all of the broken habits and manipulative bullshit that get(s) carried over unconsciously, you will laugh at that link. if you don't subscribe to "that hippie stuff" you might giggle occasionally but it won't be the same, sorry. and although i was annoyed, that's because i'm jaded. i was also pleased/impressed/amazed at the beautiful land and the efforts of those who worked to make it a great gathering. i'm very glad i went. i'm still jaded though. maybe more on that in another entry but probably not.

i finally got to the apples! i keep putting off gathering them, and then they rot on the ground and i put them in the compost. but i had gathered them all yesterday so today i harvested the droppings and actually picked some off the trees! first i blanched them, then i made some apple juice using this baby. it took a lot of work and made a small amount of delicious, cider-y juice. so i said "fuck this! carrying around a small brick and doing this in my spare time will give me bigger pipes than the queen!" i then cooked up a batch of apples, and the same throwback tin device made, relatively easily, a good batch of apple purée. so that's what we get. i also sliced up a bunch of blanched pommes and have them in the fridge, browning away, waiting for me to be motivated enough to make some kind of crisp/crumble/thing-in-a-pan.

why i am not motivated today: i've had days where i'm like "dumpling! that's a lot of poop!" and days where the poop gets places it shouldn't. but today i had my first poop nightmare. i left her on the diaper pad having some bare bum time while i took care of my own business. i thought i was safe because she had already done the deed today. but apparently she decided it was time to empty the reserves. and then kick in it. and then kick everywhere else. so that was an entire load of laundry. then, later, there was more. and this (the third batch) got off the diaper pad and onto several blankets i had set up behind her because her bare bum time can now be accomplished in a seated position (the blankets are for the rare occasion she topples straight backward). i just deleted a couple of sentences that gave way too much information about baby poop. anyway. off to drink wine now that the dumpling has been laid down and the queen is bottling his beer and a late supper is cooking.

doldrums and ladybugs

doldrums? beat them back. constant vigilance, boo radley! earn your keep!

between a teething dumpling, fall cleaning, driving practice (i popped my highway two cherry! it was terrifying!) and the queen's family, days are passing. the queen and i take turns putting effort in and being moody. the dumpling, being the alchemical production and reduction of our combined essence, puts efforts into being moody (and does a wonderful job!).

the queen's family had a gathering and almost everyone came out, but without their kids. we rode hank out with the dumpling; she was pretty good that night, so i managed to stay up late enough to surprise everyone (they've mostly seen me pregnant, new mom and almost dead, so i think my natural energy level is a bit higher than i've heretofor revealed) and the queen got ragingly wasted, which was good for him. he's still working almost every day and feeling underpaid, which sucks big time. he recently got a raise, but when you're feeling underpaid, how often is the raise enough? not very often. it mollifies, but does not please.

i've been chatting with one of the girlfriends of one of the brothers more often recently. let's call her Bijoux. she's great for empathising with not being a member of a large, passionate family. sometimes i have trouble differentiating natural display of emotion and serious emotional trouble, or friendly ribbing and fighting. it's good to be able to share (and occasionally vent, not gonna lie) about loving a big irish farmboy when we've been raised in a quiet household to be nice polite girls. although she's been in fistfights, and seems surprised that i haven't, which i'm going to take as a compliment.

anyway, bijoux is helping me learn how to drive, but i have accepted that it's time to drive with the queen, even though i think he'll be impatient with me and spike my already over-stimulated adrenal glands. if i keep getting stressed out, will that eventually up my ability to tolerate stress? or will i just crumple/explode into a sobbing, screaming mess? stay tuned!

ladybugs, everywhere. we had an aphid infestation, and now i am literally stepping on ladybugs when i go out. i brought the laundry in and had to pick ten ladybugs just off of our clothing. it's kind of crazy; mother nature, gone wild. (returning to wild? never left wild?) i am out, picking up apples that have fallen and are soft, and i feel like i'm composting ladybugs. on a semi-related note, the dumpling is quite fond of dried leaves.

things that rock hard

- this. and delightful new webcomic discoveries in general.

- the peanut outgrew another set of clothes, and into a size where we have a lot of t-shirts. i guess she'll rock the t-shirt & hoodie with me for a while. also, i think she may have outgrown the peanut size. what next? dumpling? we call her the burgolator sometimes (because she burgolates, clearly).

- this. rocks. i've been looking for size-positive images and ideas to feast my eyes and mind upon and shake up my shiny-body-image magazine upbringing. plus who doesn't just want another intelligent blog to read?

- like this one, at its deepest and most meaningful. that is one of my favourite entries.

- it's autumn! decay! colour! dead bugs! cute sweaters! a fresh sense or organization! starting to think about holidays and lots of eating and gift-giving and stress-building!

- babies. okay, okay, i finally caved to the cuteness of babies. one of my friendquaintances gave birth the other day. cute baby! a good friend of mine is due about now with her second, and it's fascinating to hear about. she's great at describing a situation and getting to its essence. i think we also have really good communication, born from years of practice and a keen sense of how each other are feeling. and of course there are at least five other people i know who are pregnant. epidemic! careful, unfixed heteros!

- the queen is making beer and wine. i am helping, but it's definitely his thing. mostly, as i'm sure you figured out right away, i'm helping enough to justify my future quenching of thirst sans guilt. and of course because i love him and want to support his creativity. beer is way simpler, by the way. way simpler. you could do it. order the kit. the queen has this mini oak cask, and he has stored some of the beer in there. tasty. we have been talking of having a housewarming when it's ready. scandal - loud music! a fire!

what makes it suck sometimes

- because counting one's blessings doesn't take the suck away, and i never have enjoyed watching people trying to "fake it to make it" all better.

the queen working weekends.
no weekends?!#@!$ yesterday he got off early (three) and we went to the lake. we met two brothers there. one has a boat and two kids; older boys who like cliff-jumping, and watching the fight that broke out after some douche sucker-punched a guy (douche got told). we ended up having a fire at the farm, but the queen's parents are off doing something horse-related for a few days and weren't there. i touched one of the feral kittens! cute.

on the way to the beach, we stopped at a garage sale and i got some super cute stuff for the peanut. while the queen was at work, a mutual friend we went festivalling with this summer came by, and we had a good greasy breakfast. so it was, all around, weekendy. and it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER. but one day isn't enough! labour movements and studies have shown! and he thought he only had to do a couple of hours today, but now it looks like he'll be there 'til three again. hopefully, some people are coming by tonight and we'll have a fire. and eventually the busy season will end. but i don't know what my life will look like, how it will change, because we haven't been through this before, together. so it's not entirely reassuring. we have no "bigger picture" routine yet, if ever! do i need routine?

jotting down the feats and fears

my day sounds boring sometimes, but it actually requires a fair amount of creativity. questions i am concerned with include: how do i fit in all these chores while spending quality time with my child, taking care of her physical needs and "being myself"? how can i incorporate learning into play? what is she learning now anyway? (the peanut's new thing is noticing the accessories. she's obsessed with my clothes and jewelry as well as windowsills and doorknobs.) how do i balance my relationship with the queen, my relationship with the peanut, and their relationship with each other? how do i share finances with someone? i truly have no idea and have been avoiding this question.

how do i find the energy to do the same thing every day with no end in sight? how am i going to cope when the government cuts off my maternity benefits?

there are more questions, more thoughts, more worry, more excitement. but that's all for now.

trouble in hobbiton

been a while since i blogged? not sure; days swim together. the queen doesn't get days off very often anymore so i find it hard to differentiate. there are sunny days and rainy days. i know time passes because i have to water the plants and mow the lawn (ironic, really; here, grow. no, not you!).

i've started a few blog posts, but they just peter out into nothingness. i suspect i fear i have nothing new to share. and i have been writing a lot of letters, which is an indication that i want to connect more on an individual basis, not with a group.

i started this blog as a method to meet a need for expression, but expression with responsibility. in a journal, i can lie to myself, but a blog pushes me to be more honest because someone out there reading could be able to see through my bullshit, and i would rather call myself on it.

i feel bored expressing the same thing: i feel depressed - not horribly depressed, just enough to make the day harder. i feel guilty for feeling depressed, even though it is a reasonable thing that happens to many new parents. i feel guilty because the queen is trying hard to make things nice for me, because he is supporting me while i can spend most of my day in a bathrobe (i don't, but i can - and there's a big psychological difference between working at home and working in public).

i feel trapped in the parenting role, so when i want to talk about the peanut, i cast myself as that person who can't talk about anything else because they have nothing else to bond with other adults over; they don't read the news or take in any art ... they don't have time for introspection.

i feel human when i can go to the city, or when someone takes the peanut for a day, or when we go camping. even though i am just as human when i stare at the dishes for the millionth time and i can't find the energy to do a twenty-minute task because i do it every day, usually twice. but if i am to be honest on this blog, which is the fucking point, i need to find a way to communicate honestly over my typical day, not my atypical day.

so we have identified the challenge. which is enough for me today. we're going to the city for a night; the queen gets this weekend off due to a stat holiday. so i shall feel human briefly again.