July 26, 2011

i suck at ping pong.

i really need to blog while i'm feeling what i feel. later, even a day later, it changes.

we went on 'vacation'. you know, where instead of going somewhere, you just tour around for a week or so? we went to two festivals; one with the peanut, one without (thanks to my parents). we fought, got along, fought again. in the end, we were getting along, and i had one of those feelings like "wow, we fought but it ended up clean! maybe this crazy passion thing can work! cuz i sure do have a better sense of how the queen is feeling and what i can do to help him feel better!" but this evening we fought again, and now i'm back to feeling shitty.

you know when you try and change something in a long-term relationship, and at first the other person doesn't notice, because they're used to a certain behaviour from you? so you just have to keep on going, and wait for the part of the film where they suddenly, through a fairytale blessing of kismet and serendipity, totally notice how hard you've been working to make things better and then everything is great? well i'm at the point where he doesn't notice. they don't put this part in the montage, not really. maybe i'm not watching the right films.

you know one of the reasons i like the queen? when we were driving home tonight from a tiny ping pong tournament, he commented that it was really pretty out. i hadn't noticed, but he was right. there was a dark blue sky; seriously stormy but far enough away. the canola fields were bright yellow and everything else was a lush green. the yellow line on the highway shone. the setting sun cast a slight hush of pink on the sky. and i was grumpy because i worked extra hard last night and today to make the house nice and create a birthday cd for a friend of ours, and we had a tense moment when he got home about who unpacks his massive pile of mancave stuff when he has a job and i don't.

i know i'm not used to relationships working out. sometimes i feel like i'm just waiting for this one to fail so i can get on with my life. i have no picture in my head about how family should work. recently, friends have commented on how hard their relationships were in the first few years of having children together. i feel like they're telling me to stick it out. it helps.

another thing that helps is that although i am stressed out and uncertain and working harder than i ever have in my life, i do not regret the choices that got me here. i do not regret having a child and moving to a small town. so i guess i just need to have faith that i made the right choice for me at the time, and stick with this as long as ... as long as i can?


  1. "you know when you try and change something in a long-term relationship, and at first the other person doesn't notice, because they're used to a certain behaviour from you?"

    I can relate to this. Plus, sometimes even if the patterns are bad, they're familiar, and a lot of us are comfortable sinking into those old habits because they're predictable and comforting, even if they're also unpleasant or counter-productive.

    One thing I'm trying lately is to evolve in the direction of changes I think would be worthwhile for myself. Instead of changing for the good of the relationship or for someone else, I'm exploring a direction that would be good for me regardless of whether or not the relationship works out.

    So far I like it. Even if the other person doesn't notice, I notice, and there's a satisfaction that comes from knowing I'm growing whether others notice or appreciate it or not.

  2. gee dan, your path seems less likely to breed resentment than mine...

  3. We did so well... Now he spends 4days a week working in la ronge and comes home exhausted and gets grumpy when he has no energy to do anything around the house. And I... Kinda hate it because it puts both of us in a shitty situation that ... MAy improve, I hope, but might not. It also means we spend a lot of our time together frustrated and when times so short to start with... Yeah. Marriage is not easy, but still worth it. I can handle a couple of shitty years. But if we had a child right now... I can't even begin to ...

    But that bit about trying to be better... He might not notice. You might have to mention it. A good way to do this without involving his ego is to announce what you've been doing and tell him you just wanted to share cuz you're happy that you are able to be a better person in a way that also positively impacts his quality of life... (mine is not a noticer of things, although he figured out recently that I was having issues before I did, so don't give up... It just might take a couple years of work to get there. The first years are never great...)