i suck at ping pong.

i really need to blog while i'm feeling what i feel. later, even a day later, it changes.

we went on 'vacation'. you know, where instead of going somewhere, you just tour around for a week or so? we went to two festivals; one with the peanut, one without (thanks to my parents). we fought, got along, fought again. in the end, we were getting along, and i had one of those feelings like "wow, we fought but it ended up clean! maybe this crazy passion thing can work! cuz i sure do have a better sense of how the queen is feeling and what i can do to help him feel better!" but this evening we fought again, and now i'm back to feeling shitty.

you know when you try and change something in a long-term relationship, and at first the other person doesn't notice, because they're used to a certain behaviour from you? so you just have to keep on going, and wait for the part of the film where they suddenly, through a fairytale blessing of kismet and serendipity, totally notice how hard you've been working to make things better and then everything is great? well i'm at the point where he doesn't notice. they don't put this part in the montage, not really. maybe i'm not watching the right films.

you know one of the reasons i like the queen? when we were driving home tonight from a tiny ping pong tournament, he commented that it was really pretty out. i hadn't noticed, but he was right. there was a dark blue sky; seriously stormy but far enough away. the canola fields were bright yellow and everything else was a lush green. the yellow line on the highway shone. the setting sun cast a slight hush of pink on the sky. and i was grumpy because i worked extra hard last night and today to make the house nice and create a birthday cd for a friend of ours, and we had a tense moment when he got home about who unpacks his massive pile of mancave stuff when he has a job and i don't.

i know i'm not used to relationships working out. sometimes i feel like i'm just waiting for this one to fail so i can get on with my life. i have no picture in my head about how family should work. recently, friends have commented on how hard their relationships were in the first few years of having children together. i feel like they're telling me to stick it out. it helps.

another thing that helps is that although i am stressed out and uncertain and working harder than i ever have in my life, i do not regret the choices that got me here. i do not regret having a child and moving to a small town. so i guess i just need to have faith that i made the right choice for me at the time, and stick with this as long as ... as long as i can?

let's do this

have you seen this? anonymous seems kind of exciting. it's motivating when other nations are stepping up, since canada isn't the 'going first' type. the video is a bit eerie, but then, so is the government.

i think a tricky thing is to find your way in a world that may fall apart, or may not. what actions would be worthy either way?

gardening, yes. google plus, maybe ;)

the days pass.

i'm craving company - this is very unusual for me. actually seeking out communication, and looking forward to seeing people. weird.

still enjoying the new place; so much so, i feel as though it should have a name. we'll see what pops up. olive busted out yesterday - she was almost immediately treed by a happy dog. the first time she came down, but the second time he treed her (by going into the next yard over, where she had taken refuge) she stayed up for quite some time. eventually i got the ladder and rescued her into the house. she did come back out though, and we haven't seen the dog again today. no, today we saw the Homeless Cat. sigh. i am This Close to putting out a bowl of food. we'll see what tomorrow brings.

it's finally summer, so i spent it outside doing yard work in our shitty yard. rental yards seem to be the worst. the last yard had a litter of broken glass and nails. this yard featured a shoe, a sock (no, they didn't match), a bottle of salad dressing (oh yeah - still good?), several toys which i washed and am debating giving to the peanut, piles of regular garbage, empty bottles and bits of wood that kept getting caught in the mower as i attempted to hack our lawn down with the push mower. i enjoyed every minute. also, the shower afterward.

the queen has been doing household errands and getting loads of our stuff back from the farm, so our quality time has been watching "house" and sleepily chatting in the middle of the night. we finished season four the other day and it made me bawl. i won't give away the story line (it's the last two episodes, if you care), but watching it gave me the realisation that it is so very hard to love someone, and then we lose each other anyway. god, we're fools. i won't argue with you about how good the love can feel, and how valuable it is to community and family, etc, etc. so don't argue with me about how we're fools. because we are. statistically speaking, love is a nightmare.

anyway, i'm happy and somewhat lonely. i think being somewhat lonely works for me.

beans

i'm back! my balls, it's been six days at least.

we're still settling in to the new place, but three out of four of us like it better (it's hard to tell how the peanut feels - she likes the new things to look at, but wakes up three times a night again). the queen likes how spacious it is, i like the neighbours and the light wood paneling, and olive likes the windowsill that looks out onto bird café.

the queen went camping for a night and left us in a quiet house with many boxes. the next night, we went camping together. hank looks very lovely in a field made by logging and gas companies. we spent the afternoon at the beach - i had my first swim of the season; shockingly late! it was awesome, and i realise how out of shape i am. things just don't settle back into place after what i've been through. but damn did it feel good to jump in a lake.

anyway, i am enjoying the boost of energy i have from all the forced labour and change that comes with moving. i think i'll go enjoy it.