August 9, 2009

full-filling moments

learning more about my own changing perspective. who drops a night of live music by great artists followed by a free party with cheap alcohol and those same great artists jamming with each other and the other volunteers for a night with someone they see regularly? we came home for a nap and never left. now, later, my special friend has departed and i feel happy and fulfilled with my evening's activity choice. painting toenails a spacey aquamarine sparkle and drinking cocoa. i'm surprised how i now care so little about the parties i used to love. i am still happily involved with social activities that differ from my sweetie's (independent activities feels healthy and important for one's sense of selfhood), i'm just not feeling the drive to be up late and carousing around.

found the empathy a bit overwhelming at the festival. i've been stretching my limits in past weeks with the fabulous site crew: meeting and working hard for hours with new people every day, i've been struck with the social dynamics of a community that has been building and flexing for thirty years. these dynamics really do feel like they hit me; in waves, every day, deepening and thickening as i learn more about the people involved through their body language, habits and communication pathways. one of my favourite of elise lebeau's exercises is a great visualization for bringing the spaciousness and equanimity back to one's awareness. it's really lovely for crowds, and i can tell much about my mood simply by whether or not i can even focus on the visualization.

it's nice to be at home, listening to fridge. feeling tired, knowing my bed is right there with clean sheets on it. cat nearby. feeling loved for who i am when i'm not even unconsciously trying to be any of the parts of myself i consider 'better' or more appropriate for public interaction. such enriching harmony, this feeling of acceptance. making it easier to bring all the disparate parts of myself together at one internal fire. getting to know each other, these widely variant versions of self. ah, the yes feeling.

No comments:

Post a Comment