August 21, 2009

fuck the old days

i had a small meltdown today and slept through some volunteering (set-up for a dance show). after sleeping, there was sitting in the backyard and drinking things that aren't water. instead of bicycling to work, i bought rechargeable batteries and dug out the walkman. took the bus and listened to a seduction tape a friend of mine made for me years ago. it helped. (i was looking for a better song from the mix somewhere online. i couldn't find any; most of the songs are too good to be found freely in this over-commercialized melting pool. i randomly tripped over this though. we were chatting about these guys the other day. ahhh, grade five.)

dizziness and disorientation after receiving a shoulder-rub capped it all off. the feverish theme of the day was realizing nearly all my activities occur because someone asked me to accomplish them.

on the asked-to-do side:
most of my jobs
organization of art & music shows
board of directors
published writings

on the own-volition side:
private writing and letters, zines
sitting in caf├ęs
playlist compilations

volunteering at festivals is about half and half. we see the issue here that my self-esteem is quietly screaming about: left to my own devices, i don't seem to have a lot of drive. i've been noticing this lately. after thirty years of feeling under the gun to play the game, i'm wondering: if i choose to do something big and crazy, would i feel less pressured? if i define myself by some big-ass vastness of lifeworkyness, maybe people will lay off with all the requests that i accept because hell, i'm not doing anything more than sitting in my room with the latest little project that rarely makes it out of my room anyway. (journals, scrapbooks, etc etc)

and i seem not to like parties anyway, so i might as well be working.

still, i can't resign myself to it. it seems like defeat. if i'm not drawn to something, i'm not. but surely i am? drawn to something... at least one thing?

maybe if i say no to the requests, i will notice what it is.

i find this figure-out-inner-goal shit trite and boring. but i don't want to stop here. so how else do i decide how to move forward? hence the accept every offer attitude. but that's driving me crazy, and exhausting me as well. must... find... some way... to discriminate... discern *gasp* what's ... appropriate... to.. me..

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