May 26, 2011

send more nori

stayed up late enough to make it easier to just stay up til the peanut's 1am feeding. listening to ckua, a very wonderful radio station. a great blend of better songs. that is all i will say about music in this entry, sorry.

emotionally, what is up with me these days:

well, still tired. probably still quite low in iron, since i went below the line under which it is reasonable to receive a blood transfusion (but skipped it). i eat nori sheets (even though my but microbes are inferior), beets, liver... but it will take a while. other parts of my body are still settling in to whatever my new life looks like. lots of small child, way less personal time. did you ever notice that we allow ourselves more of a 'stress' reaction to change that surprises us? expected or chosen change isn't allowed to be stressful.

in one way, it's easy to be me right now. certainly easier than it has been! parenting is probably the simplest it's going to be; the peanut and i are developing a rhythm (not a schedule) and i am finding pockets of time (when i should probably be sleeping) like right now. a snatch of fun here, a scattered few pages in my journal or online; sanity. later, when she's running amok, these moments will probably be harder to find.

in another way, things suck. we are moving, so add another stressful thing to the table. the queen is working hard, renovated hank and is now beefing up the truck he bought recently. when we see each other, we're both very tired. this is draining, especially since we are still wanting to do things like go camping for may long weekend, but now that's harder to do. we exchange sharp words with what looks like increasing regularity. i realise this interaction reminds me of (all things!!) the dynamic my mom and i had when i was growing up: she had standards, i didn't always measure up, didn't do it her way, was told that.

i need to find a way to respond in a healthy way to these situations. the queen and i are equals in this relationship. this is easier to see for what is than when i was a child. i have moved forward in emotional development and communication skills. plus, i am choosing to be here. fuck, does choice make a difference in empowerment. that's why childhood sucks. i hope i remember that when the peanut is fifteen and the weight of the world lies on her shoulders, and she's surrounded by fallible family members who let her down.

i mine my emotions for content. i feel like i'm on a path. i think it's my path. right now, i'm trying to merely see it as clearly as i can, and walk.

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