December 13, 2010

but it looks like a bear

i just posted, but am feeling like there is more to say. i got out all the external stuff, but truthfully, there is a roiling batch of emotions going through me, and i am having trouble finding equanimity.

you know when you bust yourself fighting with someone in your head? i've been internally fighting with an internal queen recently. in the outside world, the queen and i are doing pretty well - i'm not going to say we haven't spatted on a few occasions recently, but we've been sharing a vehicle for 10,000 miles and 10 weeks - the fact that we still respect and like each other is a testament. but internally, lately, i've been creating him as a cruel character. and it makes it harder to see his behaviour clearly.

i know part of why i am doing this can be explained in those reasons you all would kindly suggest to me - this is a stressful period; we haven't had much time apart; he's the only person in my life right now i could possibly turn into a demon because he's the only person in my life right now (i'm sure when we get back to alberta, i'll be fighting in my head with my mom again. good times).

i know part of me is envious that he's not pregnant. i wish i could get a night off, and there is eight more weeks of this: this not getting a solid night's sleep, not being able to sleep when tired, being tired more than usual, not being able to put socks on while standing up, having to be extra careful because my sense of balance is totally off, being constantly hungry and too easily full, etc, etc, etc. even i'm getting tired of listing off all the complaints, and i'm one for wallowing. i have lost sight of how often the queen is kind to me. and no, it's not his job to help me. i don't view it that way. when he is kind, it is a gift, because regardless of what we have done together, he is a free man. that is how life works. he may assume the mantle of responsibility, because that is the kind of man he chooses to be. but there is choice there. he has choice. i have pregnancy.

this breaking down of my current situation leaves me, while understanding myself, in the same boat - emotionally unhinged and miserable, trapped in my own nightmare. i feel like i'm losing the tools in my emotional tool box, but maybe i'm just reaching the end of my tether more easily. because i know what can be done about this. occasionally, i remember.

i can bust myself gently and cheerfully, realise that i'm making the trauma up, it's not happening, it's just me playing my fears out inside my head. i can acknowledge my fears - i fear that the queen will be mean to me, will not keep his word, will behave poorly, will not feel bad about any of it; i fear our relationship will end in a fiery blaze of acrimony and pain. i fear i will be hurt by this man, and end up alone. this is my fear.

another tool i could use would be to bring my attention back to where i am currently - in real space, not in my head. focus on my body, focus on my breathing, focus on my immediate surroundings; remind myself to the now. this is an infinitely more empowering state than being lost in a fairytale nightmare.

it is tempting to invest all kinds of power to my fears; to say they are going to come true and i can see what's coming and i should rehearse until i know what i will do when this terrible catastrophe occurs - but that is not true. they are just fears. they say more about me than they do about either the queen or the future. and i need to own up to that.

my fears. mine. not the world, not the truth, just my fears.

turn on the light, sistasage. see how it's just a coat and maybe don't read about bears before bedtime. or, as grownups might translate - there will be struggle, there will be strife, but none so bad as what i put myself through. i won't see whatever it is coming anyway. life is far more creative than our boring, predictable fears.

i used to take strength in that saying "this too shall pass". what i find interesting is that the things that don't pass are the things that don't happen, and that's why they're worse. it's hard to get over one's fears because we can't pin them down in time and space. we carry them with us.

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