September 6, 2009

cloaking, uncloaking

finally, i feel rested. after staying up all night: hours working on the computer, closet, basement storage and crate of thirty-odd journals all re-organized, clothes given away, dishes washed, 6am random conversation with roommate had...

of course, now i'm drinking jasmine tea as the sun rises, so who knows if i'll make it to bed. in a way, things are just getting good now.

although i haven't made it to work for almost a week and feel guilty and broke, and even though i've been restless, feeling gross and losing sleep, in a way i've really enjoyed the last week or so. i've started some new things, done some great healing with my body through yoga and trager, let go of a lot of old crap (literally and figuratively), finished several books and mostly, just enjoyed the unfolding that feels impossible when i'm at a job regularly. something about speeding up for other people... maybe to get away from them...

in being by myself, i've gained some incredible perspective. i had forgotten why my life is difficult sometimes. it's because i don't like what's going on around me, which is something i respect myself for. not that i'm unhappy, hell no. but that i want more fairness, more consciousness, more honour. and i'm working for it. and working for it doesn't always have to look like facing the world. (i can moon the world too.)

as well, gifts of silver spray paint make being a renegade more fun.

and as a renegade/warrior/emotional ninja, i probably don't need to worry about sticking out, being uncomfortable, rubbing people the wrong way or feeling frustrated. it's par for the course.

wanna stay home? do it. wanna go out dressed in lacy black or bright orange or fairy wings and talk with strangers? do it. wanna walk away in the middle of a conversation? do it. (ohmygod really? what if their feelings are hurt?) at the end of the day, i'm the one who cries in bed because i feel so crushed and frustrated under the weight of other people's unconscious desires & aversions, hidden requests and unknowing manipulations. i would very much rather drop their bullshit and work on shedding my own. so that i can sleep at night.

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