i suck at ping pong.

i really need to blog while i'm feeling what i feel. later, even a day later, it changes.

we went on 'vacation'. you know, where instead of going somewhere, you just tour around for a week or so? we went to two festivals; one with the peanut, one without (thanks to my parents). we fought, got along, fought again. in the end, we were getting along, and i had one of those feelings like "wow, we fought but it ended up clean! maybe this crazy passion thing can work! cuz i sure do have a better sense of how the queen is feeling and what i can do to help him feel better!" but this evening we fought again, and now i'm back to feeling shitty.

you know when you try and change something in a long-term relationship, and at first the other person doesn't notice, because they're used to a certain behaviour from you? so you just have to keep on going, and wait for the part of the film where they suddenly, through a fairytale blessing of kismet and serendipity, totally notice how hard you've been working to make things better and then everything is great? well i'm at the point where he doesn't notice. they don't put this part in the montage, not really. maybe i'm not watching the right films.

you know one of the reasons i like the queen? when we were driving home tonight from a tiny ping pong tournament, he commented that it was really pretty out. i hadn't noticed, but he was right. there was a dark blue sky; seriously stormy but far enough away. the canola fields were bright yellow and everything else was a lush green. the yellow line on the highway shone. the setting sun cast a slight hush of pink on the sky. and i was grumpy because i worked extra hard last night and today to make the house nice and create a birthday cd for a friend of ours, and we had a tense moment when he got home about who unpacks his massive pile of mancave stuff when he has a job and i don't.

i know i'm not used to relationships working out. sometimes i feel like i'm just waiting for this one to fail so i can get on with my life. i have no picture in my head about how family should work. recently, friends have commented on how hard their relationships were in the first few years of having children together. i feel like they're telling me to stick it out. it helps.

another thing that helps is that although i am stressed out and uncertain and working harder than i ever have in my life, i do not regret the choices that got me here. i do not regret having a child and moving to a small town. so i guess i just need to have faith that i made the right choice for me at the time, and stick with this as long as ... as long as i can?

let's do this

have you seen this? anonymous seems kind of exciting. it's motivating when other nations are stepping up, since canada isn't the 'going first' type. the video is a bit eerie, but then, so is the government.

i think a tricky thing is to find your way in a world that may fall apart, or may not. what actions would be worthy either way?

gardening, yes. google plus, maybe ;)

the days pass.

i'm craving company - this is very unusual for me. actually seeking out communication, and looking forward to seeing people. weird.

still enjoying the new place; so much so, i feel as though it should have a name. we'll see what pops up. olive busted out yesterday - she was almost immediately treed by a happy dog. the first time she came down, but the second time he treed her (by going into the next yard over, where she had taken refuge) she stayed up for quite some time. eventually i got the ladder and rescued her into the house. she did come back out though, and we haven't seen the dog again today. no, today we saw the Homeless Cat. sigh. i am This Close to putting out a bowl of food. we'll see what tomorrow brings.

it's finally summer, so i spent it outside doing yard work in our shitty yard. rental yards seem to be the worst. the last yard had a litter of broken glass and nails. this yard featured a shoe, a sock (no, they didn't match), a bottle of salad dressing (oh yeah - still good?), several toys which i washed and am debating giving to the peanut, piles of regular garbage, empty bottles and bits of wood that kept getting caught in the mower as i attempted to hack our lawn down with the push mower. i enjoyed every minute. also, the shower afterward.

the queen has been doing household errands and getting loads of our stuff back from the farm, so our quality time has been watching "house" and sleepily chatting in the middle of the night. we finished season four the other day and it made me bawl. i won't give away the story line (it's the last two episodes, if you care), but watching it gave me the realisation that it is so very hard to love someone, and then we lose each other anyway. god, we're fools. i won't argue with you about how good the love can feel, and how valuable it is to community and family, etc, etc. so don't argue with me about how we're fools. because we are. statistically speaking, love is a nightmare.

anyway, i'm happy and somewhat lonely. i think being somewhat lonely works for me.

beans

i'm back! my balls, it's been six days at least.

we're still settling in to the new place, but three out of four of us like it better (it's hard to tell how the peanut feels - she likes the new things to look at, but wakes up three times a night again). the queen likes how spacious it is, i like the neighbours and the light wood paneling, and olive likes the windowsill that looks out onto bird café.

the queen went camping for a night and left us in a quiet house with many boxes. the next night, we went camping together. hank looks very lovely in a field made by logging and gas companies. we spent the afternoon at the beach - i had my first swim of the season; shockingly late! it was awesome, and i realise how out of shape i am. things just don't settle back into place after what i've been through. but damn did it feel good to jump in a lake.

anyway, i am enjoying the boost of energy i have from all the forced labour and change that comes with moving. i think i'll go enjoy it.

a quick tour of the darkness

ugh. depression. gee, is it postpartum, post-surgery, or post-small-town-move? if i pretend it's all these things, i can pretend it's not just in my nature, and that i am currently not doing very much to challenge it from taking over my whole being.

reasons why i blog these days:

- if i don't now, i might never again
- it's pretend personal time!
- it's a chance to hear myself think
- i feel like i have a shred of community here (you!)
- i vaguely remember uncovering deep, meaningful things about myself by sharing personal stuff on the internet where anyone can read it
- it's how i put off doing something destructive like drinking wine in the afternoon or starting to smoke cigarettes
- it's how i put off tedious things i must do anyway, like dishes and cleaning out the produce drawer

before there was the little peanut, i could pretend i would change my whole life tomorrow. now, i pretend that i can't. delusions; still my favourite game! i stumbledupon this quiz and was mildly shocked by its accuracy (it gave me discomfort, which is always a shot close to home). my prognosis was that i isolate myself from those closest to me, cut myself off from pleasure and feel like any change i could make wouldn't make much of a difference. uh, yeah...

baby steps for adult me

we went camping on hank this weekend. 20 000km around the continent, and hank breaks down two hours away in a national park. we had to call the queen's parents to pick us up. right now, the queen is up trying to fix it so we can use it to move in nine days. i spent all day packing, when i wasn't taking care of the peanut or -gasp!- getting a driving lesson! the queen's youngest brother's girlfriend is teaching me in exchange for the queen hooking up her stereo system all fancy. i'm pleased to report that i only messed up a few times, and fortunately country roads are big enough that people could drive around me. i did not pass anyone, but i did drive into a small town, stop for coffee and turned left through an uncontrolled intersection with only mild panic.

while i'm packing, i've been watching 'house' tv show. it's traumatizing; surgeries, dying babies and repressed emotions. i've cried once and had to breathe deeply several times (needles to the belly - i remember).

camping before hank broke down was awesome. playing cribbage, the occasional shot of tequila (i quite liked it for sipping, but then, my previous experience with tequila involves being eighteen at the bar, so maybe i have no taste), and some great views of nature - the pembina river is raging! the last place we camped had shut down the spots closest to the river for fear of flooding.

we really want to spend more time on hank, and theorized about living off the bus for a summer. we could get gym memberships somewhere, or kick someone a few dollars for their shower and washing machine use. we're sad we signed a lease, but oh well. i guess we'll spend this year doing things more easily accomplished in larger spaces. for me, that means sewing! i want to spend at least one evening a week on the sewing machine. when i gain confidence, i will start projects instead of just mending. i have ties collected to make a purse out of them. i have one already, but i didn't make it. friends have told me that it's important (both as a new mom and as a smalltowner) to pick up hobbies wherever i can.

i had this great moment standing outside the bus at dusk, realising that i still know my wounds, but i don't identify as wounded anymore. mostly.

all over the place

last night, after i fed the peanut her 11pm feeding, i went to bed and the queen, who sometimes talks in his sleep, said:

you alright baby? can i hold something for you?
me: you can hold me in a minute.
him: you're a goof.

then he fell back into deeper slumber. it was amusing.

so, in our haphazardly unplanned way, we are no longer moving to the city. it was a big pay jump for the queen, but he didn't like the company or the job, and he felt badly letting go of a contract for work he has here. following the tone set by the cancellation of the wedding, we are trying to make less stressful choices for the next little while. this way, i get to see him over the summer, and he gets a week off in july, whence we will go festivalling.

i am disappointed that we are staying in smalltown alberta, but i intend to get my driver's license and book it to the city for several days at a time, whenever i want (until it gets snowy and i get nervous). friends who read the blog have sent me messages inquiring after my wellbeing in a caring fashion. truthfully, i feel less depressed than i did a couple of weeks ago, when we were still pretending everything was okay and relentlessly moving forward. taking a breather and talking about what has been bothering us has lifted the fog a bit. i still feel anxious though. who the fuck knows why. still processing the surgery (hair's still falling out, but pace has slowed down - possibly because i have less hair to lose now :), still adjusting to parenthood and lack of sleep, still processing being in a longterm relationship (the queen and i first 'hooked up' back here); seventeen months is my longest romantic partnership to date. i don't even know how i'm doing. and it's not like i don't care, but i'm just busier with other things. it's a relief not to be consciously processing. i'm sure it will come around again.

last night, friends came over and we bbq'd up some smokies and asparagus and corn. it was fantastic. i tried a new recipe. i wouldn't have thought watermelon and pudding could work so well together - it's relatively easy to make, gluten-free and vegan (whipped cream or edible oil product both work) and a light summer dessert.

i talked to my mom. she said the most important thing was that the queen and i talked about it. since we are still loving to each other, i think she's right.