day seven

ahoy. happy earth day. today we went out to ya ha tinda, the only federally operated horse ranch in canada (they train horses to patrol national park boundaries), and had a picnic and a wee hike. the dumpling's first hike! she insisted on climbing tiny hills in her little pink runners. she huffed and puffed and her hat almost blew away. we saw some of the bighorn falls (most of the falls was still frozen - ah spring). the only wildlife we saw were a couple of eagles (and deer, i suppose, but once you live outside of the city, deer seem less like wildlife and more like large, suicidal rabbits). it was incredibly windy; less rice cereal and cheddar bunnies, and the dumpling may have blown away.

the weekend has been lovely, though a little more difficult in terms of the detox: new challenges. but we persevered (and ate a little bit of chocolate and some cheese)! i wasn't, for some reason, looking forward to the weekend. i think i like my routine, and my alone time during the dumpling's daily nap. but now, sunday evening, i feel sad that the weekend is over. we had friends over, we played cards and laughed, we ate celery instead of chips and drank tea instead of beer. and we had a great time. the weather finally came through and we all have pink cheeks now. we enjoyed ourselves.

hank (remember hank?) is getting a makeover! i cleaned out all the dishes n blankets n stuff, and the queen is ripping up the carpet and taking out the table and cupboards and crib he put in. by may long weekend (hopefully) there will be hardwood floors, room for a small wood stove, bunk beds (no, we are neither pregnant again nor planning a second child, it's just practical) and did i mention hardwood floors wow!! then hank will get a nice scrubdown and prettied right back up, with the magnetic poetry all over the ceiling, a few less windows and no doubt, an olive curled up somewhere soft (she quite likes the bus, and i think it's mutual).

and so. time continues to pass. the provincial election is tomorrow. 

day four

i think i'm past the super cranky detox stage! now into the "are we there yet?" sad sighs. the community bus took us into town this morning, and we had to walk past all the goodies (baddies). so we bought strawberries for the queen and i (and cheddar bunnies for the dumpling). also, detox tea, lemons, broccoli. sigh.

are you aware "they" make rainbow bread? a loaf of bread dyed all the shades of easter, available at the co-op. it's really messed up. "did you get your daily dose of yellow no. 4? try our freshly dyed bread!" creepy.

i had a wonderful dream about ordering a milkshake. in the end, i couldn't get espresso for it, which made me sad. i think i got mango instead. even my dreams are decaffeinated. i distinctly remember wanting three shots of espresso. i could visualize the layers...

the dumpling is getting quite fervent in her pointing, but sometimes i think she just points to get a reaction. either that or she's excited about things i can't see. i suppose that's a reasonable option. current favourite destinations for her crooked little finger include the ceiling fan, the guitar, and our cat, but only when she sits on the fence outside the kitchen window and stares at us. peeping tom cat.

we're contemplating driving up to the city, but i'm sort of bored with the idea. since the wife works weekends, we don't really see her anyway. fate is plotting to fill all of the houses we can stay at with dogs (i'm allergic) and newborn babies. no thanks. there's one friend i should call though. and it would be nice to see her. it's just such a long drive, and it's supposed to be so nice this weekend, who wants to spend it in a car?

mud is glorious

so!

the house was warmed by our lovely visitors! then we took off to the awesomes' place and warmed their house. it got downright hot out there! the littlest possum had a birthday, the older possum had a concert (she sang "your cheatin' heart" by hank williams, and totally rocked it), mrs awesome played a show AND there was childcare, which i totally took advantage of. the dumpling came through loving life even more (if possible) and has finally learned some mobility - she scoots. sitting on her bum, pulling herself forward with her hands. poor large-headed grublet, it's so tough balancing a watermelon on a peroghy.

it finally feels like spring (i think i said that a couple of weeks ago) - muddy, breeze from somewhere other than the north, choice in jackets not limited to wool or lined... the windows open, the flies coming to life, the cats coughing up fur balls... i hope to let the spring into my blood. i hope to come to life as well.

narnia?

so we went into the nearby, larger town on the community bus yesterday. it's mostly elderly women and us. the dumpling is a highlight of the journey for the rest of the bus crew of course. and as she has become more accustomed to it, she has started to speak up and demand more busyness on the trips. the freedom from the carseat is pretty fun for both of us.

on this most recent trip, the regular driver was away, and the substitute driver is a retired marathonist or something, because we were hoofing it! bumps and revs and passing other vehicles like they were horses. imagine a short bus zooming past you on hwy 2; elderlies clutching to the handles for dear life, baby bouncing around...

when i started this post, the dumpling was sitting in an empty laundry hamper, victim of a teddy infestation. now she is chilling by the toy box, playing with a plastic handmedown.

i am starting to dream of summer - gardens, festivals, and of course hank the bus. the queen is going back to the home country with his parents and some of the siblings. originally, the dumpling and i were going to go as well (she still flies free) but after some thought and dialogue, i decided to pass on the adventure and just chill here. but where will here be? i intend to have my driver's license by that time, so we can take little road trips or we can go stay somewhere, like the awesomes' or my parents' place (i haven't asked either of said parties but i'm pretty sure we would be well-received). but there's the cat and the (as of yet hypothetical) garden, and my peace of mind, which i'm pretty sure resides in my craft room in the basement. we'll see. maybe a drive out to the mountains and a houseguest or two.

have dreams. plant seeds.

blagga blagga blag

internet, oh yeah.

i've been up in the city with the dumpling, and staying with the wife (we still discuss how she's the husband, and how we're both wives, and how inappropriate it is to describe our relationship with such an analogy). her new place is really cute, and really tiny. also, really internetless until this evening. so of course we're both sitting beside each other, (b)e-ing.

it's nice being up here. firstly, because i'm still depressed. this is helpful because it's information. i know i'm not depressed due solely to location. in fact, conversing with a friend led me to the realisation that after all i've been through in the last year and a half, i probably merit 'coming down' a bit. it's inevitable to have some plateaus. after the dizzying heights and rocket ship trips of late, these plainsy places might feel a tad blah. so that's how i feel. it's reasonable. it will pass. it isn't a tragically deep cesspool of postpartum blues from which i will never arise except as a wraith of a woman, shrouded in grey, wispy, shapeless sweaters.

it's also lovely to miss my manly queen. we've been talking while i'm gone. he's visiting the guys, eating chinese food, leaving beer cans all over the house, etc. to give credit, he is also being nice to the cat, knowing how much she is suffering. it's nice to miss each other. he misses the dumpling, of course. and i miss him both for myself (ze cuddles) and as a relief from parenting. there are many people here who like to hang out with the baby, but they aren't her dad, on whom i rely regularly and have agreements with (i think). the space has been good for us.

and lastly, the city is good for all the reasons it usually boasts: i have shopped 'locally', picked up cheaper expensive cat food, visited with Da Ladies (stay tuned for dumpling's first 'other hippie baby' playdate), enjoyed walking around and eating indian food, visited the bookstore... plus this time i got a massage, which was awesome. someone rubbing my sore spots made me feel simultaneously lucky and sorry for myself.

as i enjoy myself, i look forward to going home. traveling with a baby is weightier. and my home rocks.

nb: spilled water on computer, have no exclamation mark access. insert heavy emotion where you see fit.

warning! run-on sentences abound!

i've been wanting to post in the middle of the day when i'm doing stuff, and then at the end of the day i'm too tired to think with words. so this morning i got up early so i could say all the witty things that float through my mind. of course, by some shared bloodline creepazoid thingie, the dumpling can sense my conscious presence and is gurbling away in her crib instead of sleeping it off as a tame, not-yet-housebroken child should. oh who am i kidding, she's so not tame. one whose hobbies include grabbing onto my facial protuberances (lip being a faviourite; good for digging in with tiny talons) and then kicking me in the throat (my throat is getting to be mommy-tough) cannot be reasonably described as tame. the cat is tamer than that, and she eats flies.

the dumpling's latest feats include being able to take off her hats, which means sweaters are my saviour, though i did finally finish plasticking up the windows for winter. i also unpacked my winter clothes and am excited about woolly accessories because that's the kind of nerd i am. bring on the wrist warmers! scarves of varying thickness! leg warmers! classy gloves that remind me of my grandma but make my iphone inaccessible!

i retired hank for the season, which doesn't mean we won't take 'er on any more trips, but since the queen bought a used, right-hand drive safari (see how the steering wheel is wooden? classy, eh?) whose seats fold down quite well to fit an us-sized (okay, me-sized) mattress and one of the queen's bros gave us a portable crib, we figure we might downsize the travel accommodations for quick trips to the city. one camping stove for bottle heating - check. sorry hank. you're hard to park. but hank is still our awesome inlaw suite, where our friend fieldinbloom will be staying when he comes out in a couple of weeks! with his mother and daughter!

also, the awesomes will be staying a night on this thanksgiving long weekend. they are bringing the possums, and i am rather excited since the dumpling has evolved to a new level of playing. she quite likes the possums, and of course they like her since she is little and cute and they are smart little possums. lady awesome is no doubt liked by all girls everywhere, with her pocahontas-lady-of-the-woods eyes and her crooning ukelele skills.

other thanksgiving weekend activities include visits to both families for dinner. i'm quite looking forward to it; it's a small enough holiday that i don't generally feel unduly stressed, and my mom's famous potluck dinner is reliably entertaining. i was quite sad to have missed it last year, though wisconsin was quite lovely... i will bring my gluten-free stuffing, and the queen will bring his homemade lager. or stout. or possibly wine.

what have i been doing? puréeing those mother-loving apples like there's no tomorrow (i think we actually have too many frozen apple icecubes. for realz. but on the other hand, dumpling has been impressive in her eating lately, so maybe i just don't get how much her appetite will increase), making more homemade baileys (second batch is super freakin tasty), being all homebody-ish and trying to conserve my sanity. it's nice that these newly developed hobbies of making booze covers our asses for the holiday season. except for the queen. what do you get the guy who has too many hobbies and buys everything he wants? you make something, with time i can't find.

one last link: i have decided to enter the world of makeup. blame/reward bijoux! she's turning me into a girl. we did at-home facials the other day. anyway. i found the awesomest place to order super lovely cosmetics: all fruit pigments, vegan (mild use of cruelty-free honey), made in canada and free shipping in canada when you spend a small truckload of money (which i totally did yay!). hey, it's an investment. into what, i'm not sure. stay tuned for feedback on effectiveness and ease of use! and don't worry, i'm still a belching, wig-stealing, hardcore hiphop fan who skulks around in black, fraying hoodies.

rush hour: three cars at one intersection

day by day.

today has been rewarding. both enjoyable and active. cleaned hank today. vacuuming an environment that's composed entirely of nooks and crannies is a pain in the back. literally. while i was battling the carpet grunge in hard to reach places, the peanut was lying in the hank-crib, miserably gibbering to a toy that hangs from the mosquito netting draped over the two bus seats pushed together to make her "crib". it needs a baby gate; three walls will only stop her for a little while longer. olive, having decided that hank belongs to her (and where the fuck do we take it sometimes?), was sulking on the patio. later, she curled up in a back corner of the hank-crib and went fast to sleep, not even noticing that she got locked in there for several hours. her other favourite place in hank is the middle of the "kitchen" table while preening.

the littlest one's first tooth is prying through the walls of her gum, and it sucks to watch it suck for her. today she woke up shrieking from a nap. poor thing. i told her that "with power comes responsibility" but it didn't seem to make the looming status of bite-ability any less crappy. oh the thresholds we have crossed, people. bodies! development!

tomorrow we get picked up by a friend for a few days in the city. i'm weirded out trying to visualise it sans gnome home. i think i need to take some kind of action about that. stay tuned for emotional sayonara story.

i still read sometimes! when i visited my mom a few weeks ago, i found this mystery in the bookstore she frequents. who knew asimov wrote mysteries? apparently just this one. it is hilarious! i think i read one of his sci-fi's (the use of the apostrophe for plural can be used where, given the spelling of the word, the reading of the word would be easily mis-read without an apostrophe. or something. i learned this a long time ago. is it true? i cannot find it in "the elements of style". of course, if i'm going to be so anal about it, i might just spell out 'science fiction novels' and be sure that i'm correct. close parentheses). i think my dad used to collect asimovs, and let me read "i, robot" when i was young. it didn't take at the time. it was possibly my first science fiction. anyway, "murder" made me reconsider reading him again. his protagonist was honestly portrayed, and the words were witty. there is some sexism, for sure. asimov pulls off writing himself into the book quite well, using himself as comic relief.

kay, tired. 'night.

but i rock at volleyball.

we went away this weekend again. i look forward to next weekend, when we are staying home. or at least only going on a day trip.

the weekend was nice though. before we left, we had the queen's parents and two of his brothers over for a barbecue. one of his brothers' partner is pregnant, so i'm collecting a schwack of baby clothes. actually, not a schwack. i'm being merciful. more of a stack.

we lazily got ready saturday morning, and drove maybe an hour and a half to a lake where my mom's inlaws get together every year. their family is about the same size as the queen's, so there were many people and many games. the lake was great; sandy and reasonably warm, if shallow for miles out. there was a volleyball tournament i got signed up to, much to my dismay. i'm not really one for group sports. but it ended up being okay; 'anything goes' except finger-breaking, apparently that's my style. i hit the ball over the net exactly once, and my team won the tournament. could they possibly be related? sure!

we spent sunday night at the next campgrounds down, where two of the queen's brothers (one brother a crossover from friday night barbecue) happened to be camped. it was a neat coincidence, and it was nice to camp with a smaller group of people - after two festivals and a fifty-plus family gathering, i think i may be socialed out for a while.

there was a fantastic thunderstorm that came through. the peanut passed out solid (the louder the better for her; on this trip when we stumbled upon a hard rock/heavy metal wedding, she slept like, well, a baby) so after the thunder faded, three of us went three campsites down to the beach and watched the lightning across the lake. there was a second stormfront brewing up from another direction, but it mostly passed us. so there was lightning in two directions. it was really, really great. the wind was blowing hard and it had rained so much, the rainwater collected in the rut of a path - it looked like a small, still river that lit up with every flash of lightning. i don't know if i painted the picture so you can see it, but it was very raw and beautiful.

we didn't rush anywhere, and we didn't argue. it was an agreeable arrangement. the peanut expanded her fan base, hank held up, the queen and i enjoyed ourselves and the cat lived through it all - and that's all we ask of her.

baby steps for adult me

we went camping on hank this weekend. 20 000km around the continent, and hank breaks down two hours away in a national park. we had to call the queen's parents to pick us up. right now, the queen is up trying to fix it so we can use it to move in nine days. i spent all day packing, when i wasn't taking care of the peanut or -gasp!- getting a driving lesson! the queen's youngest brother's girlfriend is teaching me in exchange for the queen hooking up her stereo system all fancy. i'm pleased to report that i only messed up a few times, and fortunately country roads are big enough that people could drive around me. i did not pass anyone, but i did drive into a small town, stop for coffee and turned left through an uncontrolled intersection with only mild panic.

while i'm packing, i've been watching 'house' tv show. it's traumatizing; surgeries, dying babies and repressed emotions. i've cried once and had to breathe deeply several times (needles to the belly - i remember).

camping before hank broke down was awesome. playing cribbage, the occasional shot of tequila (i quite liked it for sipping, but then, my previous experience with tequila involves being eighteen at the bar, so maybe i have no taste), and some great views of nature - the pembina river is raging! the last place we camped had shut down the spots closest to the river for fear of flooding.

we really want to spend more time on hank, and theorized about living off the bus for a summer. we could get gym memberships somewhere, or kick someone a few dollars for their shower and washing machine use. we're sad we signed a lease, but oh well. i guess we'll spend this year doing things more easily accomplished in larger spaces. for me, that means sewing! i want to spend at least one evening a week on the sewing machine. when i gain confidence, i will start projects instead of just mending. i have ties collected to make a purse out of them. i have one already, but i didn't make it. friends have told me that it's important (both as a new mom and as a smalltowner) to pick up hobbies wherever i can.

i had this great moment standing outside the bus at dusk, realising that i still know my wounds, but i don't identify as wounded anymore. mostly.

a million stupid deer

my lovely folks took the peanut for a couple of nights - so wonderful! the queen and i took a drive out to the hostel where we've booked the wedding, and stopped at ram falls on the way - fucking gorgeous. worth the crazy back road required to get us there. i think we took the long way on the back road though. we saw a little badger - very cute (from a distance).

then we got to the hostel and had a disagreement about how the wedding was to proceed. the queen wants tables for people to sit at, and i've always found the sit-down dinner type to be the killer of spirit. we'll see, i guess. he wants enforced mingling, i think. maybe we could compromise and have a cheesy icebreaker game. i'm down with that.

there were many, many deer on the way home - highway 11 between nordegg and rocky mountain house was practically choked with ruminants running in front of old blackie (the truck's name). seriously, they made the wrong decision so frequently that i got home and looked deer up on wikipedia because i was curious to see if vehicles make them blind. i mean, how beneficial is it to run directly in the path of the predator? but i suppose most predators don't follow the highway, so maybe it doesn't seem like the obviously suicidal choice it is.

the queen and i have been facing disagreements more often lately - with honesty and effort. because of that, i feel more intimately connected with him than i have in months. i think we are definitely past the honeymoon stage. i hope this honesty thing continues. it makes for uncomfortable moments, but the overall effect on the relationship is way way better than bottling shit up.

i have a mosquito bite on the bottom of my foot which made it very hard to sleep last night. still, the tiredness is far easier to manage than waking up to feed a ravenous legume. curious.

i used my free time to sew on my fancy husqvarna machine the queen ordered off the internet. it's lovely to have halved my mending pile so quickly! my mom's husband fixed it - there was a problem with the bobbin that i may or may not have contributed to. he's quite the seamstress, so when they came down to pick up the peanut, he wiggled around in there and showed me some things. tension disks, etc.

i missed her even as i was enjoying her absence. i miss her cooing noises, damn it. i've gone soft.

over the top

we just did way too much for a weekend in the big city.

- outdoor costumed hippie handfasting: check. skipped dinner, came to reception. belly was felt. discovered someone else is pregnant. bride was hot, groom looked dazed.
- visited wife and surveyed damages to leaky gnome home. walls are soft. living room ceiling is bowed. rain in the dining room. wife is clinging quite well to sanity, i'm impressed. she has moved down the street (and in with the good witch, whom i cat-sat for back here. it is a short-term move, and she is searching for a home to call her own.
- visited another single mom friend of ours; a wonderful, sardonic, very intelligent and quite sexy woman with two kids under seven. she brought us to an industrial show downtown, which was an incredible experience for a short while and then i had to go. we slept at her place, she came home a little later. i found it amusing to crowd-watch. who is there enjoying themselves, who is depressed and wanting attention, and who is there because they just can't be anywhere else; they were pretty much born into the industrial scene...
- went for breakfast with this friend and her two kids at my favourite diner, where after the first cup of coffee, you go for the pot to refill (and dose up the other folks who look like they need a refill, since you're up). it was a lovely gong show.
- picked up books and food at various places that are now labeled "only in the big city". mmm, italian centre. ran into two more friends, watched an almost-fist-fight break out in chinatown, discovered another friend is pregnant (don't drink the water).
- visited field in bloom, checked out his new painting, used his shower, napped in his bed, drank his cider. his home is called the shore, and it was definitely that for us.
- went for dinner at the home of friends of the queen's: they cooked up an amazing array of food; i stuffed myself happily and didn't even get heartburn. these are the moments to be cherished. mmm, asparagus.
- went to a downtempo show, watched live music and swayed gently to house, electronica and other sweet rhythms. stayed until one in the morning, which made me feel all young and crazy. we stayed with the queen's friends, and he even stayed up later, but i crashed out pretty quickly after we got back. only so much young and crazy i can do now that getting out of bed is a four-step process.
- had coffee with my mom, and accepted her many, many gifts. wow. handmade receiving blankets and baby washcloths, gorgeously sewn blankets made by my mom's husband (the queen looked so impressed i think he might actually fight with the cat over who gets a couple of the really soft ones). also, a lovely giftie from my sis - baby toiletries. genius.
- visited the queen's brother's family. by this time we were pretty wiped out. i think we trailed off in conversation. got more baby stuff, including the tiniest pair of hand-knit slippers in the world.
- drove home through horrible highway conditions (you know it's bad when you see a semi-truck in the ditch) to discover a plaintive, living cat. yay, just as we left her.

god i missed our home. and our bed. this is way too much to do over a weekend. i am going to sleep all week now. sleep and eat. yes.

ps. the baby likes downtempo more than industrial, and electronic music more than live music.

white sands, green chilis, red rocks, white mountains

where to start...

in new mexico, we visited the white sands monument, where the dunes are composed entirely of gypsum crystals. pretty. i realised our trip is themed with bridges and sand. of course, what stands out in my mind about the visit was not only the white dunes, but the green chili popcorn we got in the gift shop. the queen said it tasted like dirt, i loved it, coughing dryly as i inhaled the chili.

crossing over into arizona, we visited sedona, which i have wanted to do since i was nineteen. once we got there, i realised i wasn't able to hike around like i wanted to (what is with this freaking belly?) and i was sad. but it was really, really gorgeous. pictures don't do it justice. we both want to return and go hiking someday when my gut-hog has left the building.

arizona has an amazing array of landscapes. i thought it would be one huge rv park, given the number of people that seem to retire there, but instead i found the wealth of deserts, from disney-style cacti to the red rocks of sedona to hills and then the grand fucking canyon. "epic" is not an understatement, folks. jesus. wonder of the world indeed. again, we plan to return. i have a yen for mule rides into the canyon.

the grand canyon was also good for a break from truck stops and parking lots - sleeping in a campground was blessedly quiet and dark. not to mention all the washing we did. i can shower in under eight minutes - i know that now. coin-operated showers have taught me.

we crossed the hoover dam and dipped briefly into vegas (the queen wanted to check out a gun show. yeah, i stayed in hank) before heading back through arizona and up into utah. the brief period the i-15 was in arizona showcased another incredibly beautiful landscape, pictured here. utah, while pleasant to the eye, is mild compared to arizona.

today we are up in a ski resort town near salt lake city, visiting a friend of the queen's. tomorrow we begin the drive home. we're catching a pre-welcome via the foot or so of snow here, but it's still quite pleasant (i am wearing a fedora, not a tuque, and a fall coat, not a winter one). sigh. i am looking forward to familiar surroundings, visiting the gnomes and being reunited with my sweet olive while the queen goes off and does whatever he likes to do without me - drink, take risks, etc. i am looking forward to not having to hold my belly while on bumpy concrete highways. i am looking forward to not having to bungee shut dresser drawers. but i am not looking forward to freezing my nostril hairs while inhaling a deep breath of winter prairie air.

in the last few days, i have devoured cormac mccarthy's "blood meridian". previously, i had only read "the road", which kept me up all night with its bleakness. "meridian" is far more violent. it's like a video of a car accident captured in beautiful cinematography; so garish, but you have to look and then you can't turn away because the exquisite frame job makes it beautiful somehow. i was struck again by mccarthy's eloquent use of language, his wondrous punctuation style... not for the faint of heart (i could not have read this earlier in the pregnancy; there is a tree of dead babies. seriously, it is violent), but wow. for the strong of heart, definitely. face the devil.

tired of travelling, yes. ready to settle, yes. i have one last series of moguls to face - christmas and finding a home and moving into it. ha ha. yeah, no problem.

lounging around in el paso

hello, mexican border!

we were going to leave austin this morning, but decided to leave last night, on a whim. the highway is really desolate in most of texas. the most isolated we've seen since newfoundland. it definitely connotes western films. we parked behind a gas station last night, and woke up early this morning (four-thirty, five), possibly for indoor sports. when we realised that neither one of us were going back to sleep (it is as easy to get up in the morning as it was difficult on our way east. we passed back into mountain time zone today), we figured might as well hit the road, have a nap later. of course, i ended up catching fitful sleep on our journey and the queen is napping now, in el paso, while i can't relax into slumber at all. sigh.

i'm feeling very weird in the belly. babe hangs low, stretches the lower belly. i feel ponderous, and am not today enjoying the sensations. soon to be thirty-one weeks pregnant. nine more weeks of feeling like this would suck, but i've noticed the sensations always change. so hopefully i can regain some equilibrium. speak of the little gymnast, here's some sensations now...

a few random notes on america:

- the queen noticed that in order to access the mississippi river when we were in the ninth ward, we had to go uphill. pixie told us they drained the marsh land into lake pontchartrain to make more city land. parts of new orleans are below sea level.

- we drove over/through the chesapeake bay bridge-tunnel while in virginia. it is so named because it is at times a bridge, at times a tunnel (also artificial islands and a major gift shop that we got the most amazing sustainable smoked ham i have ever had. i miss this ham). i just want you to know we did this; it was a very weird experience. tunneling under water in a school bus... also, who puts a gift shop on a bridge? america, that's who.

- speaking of america, things that are bigger in texas include: billboards, overpasses, miniskirts, fountain pops at fast food joints, portion sizes and flags. also, houston is like a calgary built in saskatchewan. and i am really enjoying my new pair of cowboy boots.

tomorrow; a gypsum desert in new mexico.

blue, moon.

blogging from north carolina, with the ocean outside. the only thing separating me from the ocean is the balcony of the hotel room, a smallish sand dune and the beach. a few hours ago, the full moon was shining a gorgeous path on the ocean, and it reflected into our room.

oddly enough, i've felt a little depressed. warm weather is not a cure-all. mostly i think it's just the ongoing driving. since nova scotia, we've been driving every day, for most of the day. this means i haven't been walking, yet i haven't been still. we've been eating pretty well, and it's nice not to have to turn the heater on at night, but i miss being still. i miss being in the same place tomorrow as i was yesterday. i miss my cat (yes, i know this bit is getting repetitive. too bad).

today we booked into this lousy hotel room - the view and location are great, but the occasionally non-functioning elevator, closed-for-the-season pool and "wireless" internet (upon request, the lobby furnished us with an ethernet cable, which means we take turns using our computers to thirstily connect with the rest of the world and its resources) are crappy, and this place isn't much cheaper than the wonderful b&b we stayed at in newfoundland. the queen rented a bike and went off to some sand dunes. i wanted time to myself, but when i got it, i just moped. yesterday was tough physically; it felt like hosting a chicken-fighting contest in my belly. today has been rough emotionally; tears twice before two in the afternoon, and feeling depressed and overwhelmed until sundown. i turned to m&ms and crappy television to feel better. like most bandaids, it sort of worked. reading sort of worked. journalling sort of worked. a hot shower sort of worked. eventually, i was able to talk myself into a place of sort of working.

one of the troubles i have with feeling depressed is that i want to figure out "why now". it's never a good time. there are always great things happening i could be focusing on instead. i usually feel added guilt that i am not appreciating those elements of my life, whether they be wonderful surroundings, one-of-a-kind events, great people or beautiful weather. conversely, there are so many times and situations and combinations of things that could easily add up to depression, but i don't get depressed, and i'm curious why not.

i know that trying to find a reason is my effort to exert control over the depression. i know i want to solve it. i don't think this is actually helpful; it's a kind of dwelling that fools itself into looking like constructive action. it is not meaningful reflection i am doing here, but a ruthless perusal, looking for cracks, for faults. this is not healthy. it is a coping mechanism.

i think the best thing i can do for myself (see, i typed "to myself" and then realised that the doing "to myself" instead of "for myself" is the same example of unhealthy behaviour) is just keep on keeping on; mix up my acts with acts of health that i find difficult and weighty (having a shower, making a meal) with acts of nurturing (curling up with a book in the sun, having one glass of wine). so i did that. shower, laundry, m&ms, crappy tv. tomorrow i can say i did good, but also rewarded myself in decadent ways. i will have something to show for today, and i will not feel so emotionally poor.

it's sunny in conneticut

ah, conneticut. home of a good brewhouse, a good weekly and this boring starbucks with free internet.

actually, i was more fond of maine. who wouldn't be fond of maine? all the cheerful-looking conifers interspersed with the kinds of rocks that feature in cartoons (good size, nice rocky colour, round; good for dropping on wile E coyote) and slate grey streams. we didn't see the moose or the lumberjack, but i know they were out there, whistling. we found a total gem of a truckstop, dysart's. i wish there was a picture on the website of betty, our waitress who called me honey, or the front of the semi they had dismantled, shined and put up on the wall. i have found that truckstops are our friend; overnight parking, showers and laundry, a store full of things thoughtfully provided for long-distance travellers... it's lovely. i never thought i would use that adjective for a truckstop, but really, it is. home away from home. of course, i got 'truckin' by the grateful dead in my head immediately, and kept telling the queen i would meet him at the truck.

yesterday we drove through maine, new hampshire for ten minutes and massachusetts. we were both a bit cranky at the end of the day, but a good night's sleep in a parking lot and this bright sunny day has restored our lovers' moods.

i read the alice walker novel, 'now is the time to open your heart'. have i raved about this woman recently? when i was younger, i poured through her novels 'the colour purple', 'possessing the secret of joy' and 'the temple of my familiar'. walker reminds one that we are the same as the earth, the creatures, the water and sky. really, these aren't things we should protect, but reconnect with and rejoice in. this particular novel remembers me to the Grand Mother. which is nice timing, i must say. seriously, treat yourself to one of the flowers in her garden.

and on that note, i have found myself drawn more and more to women writers as my pregnancy progresses. as i wrote in a letter to a friend recently, male authors are starting to feel like a war in a foreign country; i know i should care more, i should relate more, but it just seems so far away. other than the queen, i don't feel connected to any man. my male friends seem to be waving from the sidelines, while my female friends are running out into the filed and high-fiving me (with hot-water bottles in their sympathetic hands, and tales of pregnancy). it's not that i feel these men-friends are pulling back. nor do i feel that i am. it's more like a gulf of experience is widening between us. the queen can always bridge the gulf; he just puts his hand on my belly and immediately, we're in this boat together. but he's the only one. i wonder how my relationship with my dad would feel if he were still alive.

halifax!

so pretty. we parked hank at a public park; within walking distance to the waterfront, many bookstores, quaint public houses for the queen and a "restaurant with a conscience" that has the best gluten-free pizza i have found so far in the world. meat-lovers ... yum.

so far, we have spent too much money on books (the trend continues). this great book store had a lovely section of women authors, and i found an alice walker novel AND a jeanette winterson collection of short fiction i haven't yet read. so lovely. another bookstore down the road was overstuffed and incredibly daunting. though it had many more books, we didn't end up buying very much because it was exhausting simply to move through the melee of print. stacks upon boxes blocking the bottoms of all the shelves you wanted to look at. huge shelves that towered above your head no matter how tall you are. dark corners stuffed with books you might want, if you could see them. we wandered around, slack of jaw and wild of eye, then left slayed by fiction.

getting to halifax from north sydney where the ferry docked took us half a day, even when we stopped at a cute little market where the queen got some kind of pizza in a bun he claimed was awful. he often claims these things are awful, as i often watch him eat them with a glum look of gluten-free resignation in my eyes. it must have been terrible; he wolfed it down with quiet sighs and moans. such a stoic man.

the ferry itself, having taken eight hours to get to newfoundland, took thirty-two hours to get back. most of this time was spent fifteen minutes from north sydney, where it was too windy to dock. i went out to see how windy was too windy, and it was very, very windy. i had to hold on to the railing to grope my way forward. the captain said it was gusting to 45 knots, which translates to almost 84 km/h. yup, windy. so we got free lousy meals and an extra day off and some more lousy sleep. also, i finished the louise erdrich novel and pretended to start the john irving book i have been avoiding for several months. fortunately, i still haven't touched it, barring the fifty or so pages i read initially, before i gave up. oh john, who changed? you or me? perhaps both of us. maybe it just isn't the right time. ah well.

got my 26-week checkup started at a local walk-in clinic; still need to go to a lab to get some blood taken for something-or-other as well as an oral glucose test to make sure i don't have gestational diabetes. i have gained a bit more weight (i don't seem to be gaining very much, even though i feel like i'm eating with amazing frequency), don't have swelling around my ankles and still have low blood pressure, which is why i get dizzy occasionally. the solution, says walk-in doc, is to drink more water. more fucking water? eight to eleven cups a day is not enough? kiss my watery ass! but it makes sense, because usually the dizzies come in the morning. so i will make sure to drink marathon cups first thing, mom. (pretty sure mom doesn't read the blog, as i can't even convince her to log on to fbook to see the pictures the queen puts up of our journey).

next week, ameeeerickaaaa. noticing i can do less and less things like climbing hills and braving crowds, so my posts may descend into more book reviews and tales of hank naps. be warned. at least i am doing more writing than i ws at the beginning of the pregnancy. it's all balancing out somehow.

still missing my cat.

sitting in a ferry terminal. this is the east coast. i have sat in several ferry terminals and will sit in more before we're done. they are a good place to catch up on internetting and eat suspicious fries that will probably make my stomach hurt.

i just re-read my previous entry and was amused by how materialistic travelling while pregnant has made me. who knew all it took was a jacuzzi tub in a giant bathroom to reduce me to blathering? ah well. i have no regrets about that b&b. in fact, after they made me gluten-free french toast in a separate pan, accompanied by elegant fruit salad (no melon filler for these guys, oh no) i tried to plead with the queen to move here. to the b&b, i mean. he looked amused with a touch of panic.

after i reluctantly packed my things and signed the guest book, we took off to be tourists for a day. we visited signal hill (the view is amazing, plus the tower is open to be climbed, which i always love) and nerded out at the geo centre. we then went to an archeological dig an hour out of st john's, but of course it was closed for the season. still, we parked for the night on a big hill and fell asleep to the sound of waves crashing beneath us. pretty great.

since then, we have been driving back across this island, back to port aux basques where we now sit. the next five days or so are nova scotia, then a day in new brunswick and off to the states. my friend in new orleans, the little pixie, is getting excited and so am i. hey, tomorrow i am 27 weeks pregnant! wild, i know. and i am actually having some "happy to be pregnant" days. i realise i spend a lot of time writing about the crappy parts. but there are hormones at work that make me think this is a good idea, and if i don't overeat and i do pee every ten minutes, they keep me somewhat satisfied. also, i have recently become enamoured with crackers, peanut butter and pickles. i have them as a snack every day. it is pleasing to my belly.

we will be back in alberta at the 33-week-of-pregnancy mark. we are almost halfway done, time-wise (i am slowly reading this great book about time, and i must say it is awesome. i am currently learning about entropy, which i have always wanted to do). i have begun to have pangs of longing for home, but they have not eclipsed how great it is to be out here. last night, for example, we parked just outside of a closed-for-the-season golf course and had a romantic night in, consisting of pasta-by-LED-light, then cribbage and hot chocolate and sarah vaughan. afterward, we each did our own thing. hank is separated by curtains into two rooms, so i napped and read (the time book and a fantastic novel by louise erdrich, which i am totally hooked on and trying not to read too fast because the writing is good enough to read it slowly) and the queen practiced classical guitar. these are the kind of nights i think i will miss when we have a baby. so i did my best to really enjoy this one.

i just got distracted by the queen's photos on fbook of our trip. i'm sleeping on the bus through about half of them, so they're new to me even as they look familiar. i had deep thoughts to share (i do still have them, when i'm not napping or thinking about food) but they have floated away on a sleepy ether. i think they were about - oh yeah! (thanks brain) - commitment and phobias. see, being in my early thirties, i have relationship phobias, and had basically come to peace with the idea of not really having one of those LTRs. short liaisons, as shallow as their reputation may be (no judgment here, i learned a lot), were serving me just fine. i have been reading on some people's fbook profiles links to interesting articles about the psychology of relationships. i provide a link even as i hesitate, probably because i fear being judged flaky for getting something out of this. but i did get something out of it, so i bare this link to my own psyche, sigh. it hit the nail on the head for me in regards to several points.

one, compromise. i resisted compromise for a long time because i felt it to be disempowering. so many of the relationships in my life (not the romantic ones, i mean my childhood and family relationships) robbed me of my autonomy that i really needed to spend some time not compromising with anyone. but eventually, that leads to a stubborn attitude of "my way or the highway" when frankly, my way isn't that much better than anyone else's. still, if it feels gross, don't do it, so i didn't. stevens makes a point that allows me to separate the disempowering choices with the simple compromises that come with any close relationship. his examples are perhaps a bit too simple, but i get it.

another interesting point the article brought up for me is how the inner gender balance of each of us affects our choice in relationships. it sheds a little light on some of the patterns i have seen in myself and others. as i have become more comfortable with my feminine side (realising it does not eclipse my masculine side) i have found men who respect and appreciate my femininity more. this has, in fact, been very recent. perhaps men in the past have appreciated my femininity, but since i didn't, i probably either didn't notice or judged them for it.

anyway, the article disintegrates into a discussion about "why there are so few good men out there", which i don't really buy into, so read it at your own discretion. i got something out of it so i share.

i could live here

i just had the most amazing bath. words cannot do it justice.

we came in overnight on the ferry from cape breton and slept a bit in port aux basques before heading up to gros morne national park (this pic captures what i like best about the park; fog and valleys). we parked by a dock for the night and stepped out to watch the little fishing boats bobbing up and down in the dark (going for crabs or lobster, i think the queen said. not actual fish, anyway. that's morning fishing) and the lighthouse swooping around.

the next day we took a brief hike before heading back onto the trans-canada and east to st john's. given the size of this rock, we made it to clarenville and parked for the night (not finding a decent pub, to the disappointment of the queen). today we got into st john's (pronounced st jahn's, apparently) and nearly went crazy trying to find a b&b. lesson: google and newfoundland are not friends. everything on google has been closed for three years. just park the damn bus and walk around. once we did that, we found this. oh! yeth pleeze.

let me tell you about the bathroom. it is large. very large. spacious is definitely a word you could use. there is a bidet. and a chandelier. and stained glass windows. there is a shower separate from the tub. let me sigh about the tub. long enough to stretch out in with my head underwater and my legs straight. wide enough to sit sideways comfortably, which i did to get the jets to pulsate directly onto the perfect spot in my lower back. the queen kept coming in and giggling at how perfectly happy i looked. then he went out in search of a pub. which he has found, on the street rumoured to have the most pubs per square foot in all of north america. i don't expect him for hours.

so i sit naked in a room with central heating and running water and electricity, all of which i have grown to appreciate recently. not that i am dissing the ever-steady hank. hank rocks. but this is nice too. i'm sure hank understands i have a little romance going on with B&Bs and bathtubs. i feel very lucky to be here, both newfoundland and this gorgeous place. i have wanted to come to this rock for years. and it is gorgeous. desolate, rocky, rugged; this is a place i love very much already. i feel sorrow that we are barely touching it before we leave. it would take a month to rush through. we have four or five days. bittersweet vacation, bring it on.

bump picture!

welcome to nova scotia; we found an irish pub. the queen is pleased. it's like both of us are home (i was born in nova scotia, but moved away as a toddler and haven't been back since i was twelve). the sand dunes in pei were fantastic. they are actually dune-like. who knew?

we're stopping here quickly (took the ferry over from pei) and then off to newfoundland, where i am not counting on finding a lot of internet. after newfoundland, we'll spend more time wandering around nova scotia before heading back to new brunswick and into america. it sort of seems like we're rushing, but we talked about how much we have left to do and i am amazed. i didn't realise how much road lies ahead of us. i think we'll probably not make it to the west coast. another time, pacific friends.

we left our pei friends; they are such a sweet couple. it was really warming to hear them talk about how they don't know what they're doing in terms of parenting (when they're clearly doing quite well). also, she gave me a body pillow, for which i love her forever and ever. it's so joyous to be able to lie on my side and keep my hips open.

i am losing bodily functions one by one. i can barely cross my legs. my body has been hijacked by a hungry, fussy gymnast. the queen looked at my breakfast this morning and said "that looks neat. complicated and tasty, like you." i was eating whole-grain cereal flakes with yogurt and blueberries, a vain attempt to stimulate my stagnant, brick-laying bowels. i looked at his loaf of tuscan bread with butter and merely scowled. more poignant breakfast conversation:

me: anyone who calls menstruation a curse has never been pregnant. yeast infections, bladder infections, constipation, backache...

the queen: well, that's not every woman's pregnancy.

me, with bitter cheer: no! some women get hemorrhoids and heartburn!

the queen says nothing at this point. wise man.

irrational, love-soaked ravings

another post so quickly! praise the internet!

we are in charlottetown, PEI. the smallest province. it is very red. seriously, the soil is red. lots of oxidizing iron in the sandstone or something. tomorrow we are going to visit the sand dunes on the north shore. we're staying in the driveway of an old friend of mine from vancouver; she and i worked together as fundraisers, and became fast friends. we reunited, yes, via facebook, and it is so lovely to see her. eight years sometimes makes no difference at all. she is still her beautiful self and easy to talk to. also, another example of parenting, always handy. i asked her about breast-feeding, diaper choices, labour-division; the ongoing subjects i am turning over in my mind.

she is married to a nice man, with a very cute little boy who is not quite a year old. last night, the guys went for 'a guys night out' (apparently they went to some other guy's house, got drunk and talked about golf) while the two of us and a friend of hers stayed in and talked about relationships. gender, anyone? one subject was how babies affect relationships. her friend had recommended to her that the relationship needs to stay the priority, and my friend commented on the rightness of that statement. she said that when she remembered to keep her relationship the priority, everything else fell into place. making the baby the priority, it seems, takes up all your room for priorities.

she talked about how lucky she feels to be with her husband; another subject was abusive relationships, which seem to be some kind of evil theme lately. while i commented on how it seems to me to be these men whom i never would have predicted would be emotionally and/or physically abusive - these gentle, gentle men who have said to my friends things like "i just want to hit you" over and over, who have pushed them to the ground and blamed the woman's behaviour ("you're crazy, it was self-defence," because she was yelling at him), who have manipulated fights into being all her fault so they could avoid facing up to their own contribution to the problem, who have for years convinced these women that they deserved it, they are at fault for what someone else is doing to them, they prompt him to be violent.

my friend, she is stuck on how smart these women are who stay with abusive men, who go back to the man, who tell my friend this time he'll change because he has said he'll stop drinking, has said he will go through therapy, has talked with his mouth instead of his hands today. and maybe he will stop, but if he has hit you, don't you think he needs to prove that change before you move back in with your child? you have a masters in psychology and he's got you wrapped around his little finger.

the queen and i were talking this morning (well, this afternoon; we had a delicious sleep-in) and i commented on how i have left men for far less than the struggles he and i have faced. i have left men in the middle of roadtrips, resulting in me moving to other cities or hitchiking back across a province or two by myself, with very little money. i have left these men for less because i refused to be trapped by them, even if it was their vehicle i was travelling in. i refused to be the person with less power, and leaving them was my expression of my own power: you don't own me. they were so surprised.

but i am not leaving the queen. and it is not about what we suffer through; it is because i have committed. it was my decision. and it happened before the pregnancy; we had an epic fight and he tried to break up with me before i got pregnant; he was having trouble with my close relationships with some of my exes. i have never tried to talk anyone out of leaving a relationship with me; i understand, based on the previous paragraph, how important it is to respect someone's decision about their own liberty. but i talked him out of it. i sensed it was fear-based, i sensed that what he was afraid of wasn't true. i knew i would stay with him and be faithful, i knew those friendships were just friendships and the queen and i would get past this moment. there is more to be mined from this union, and i knew and know it. instead, i asked him to marry me.

and my decision to stay, it is not regardless of anything. there are dealbreakers: don't hit me, don't rape me, don't beat the children (my friend in pei says her list of dealbreakers includes born-again christianity; you find jesus, she says, and it's over). but i see how these women, especially the ones with children, how they stay in the face of adversity. they have committed. and when you commit, you commit to suffering. you don't walk away just because it gets difficult. so how do i make sure i don't stay in the face of something that takes away from my own personal well-being? other than honouring my dealbreakers (and really honouring them, not rationalizing that this was different, this wouldn't happen again) how do i find the balance?

the queen says it's a balance between commitment and rationality. but i find that commitment isn't terribly rational to begin with. look at our history as a species. making a monogamous commitment, even though i am perfectly happy doing so, flies in the face of recorded history. as a species, we are lousy at monogamy. i have always been at peace with this, never bothered trying too hard to keep anyone. but now i am taking it on. i am flexing my commitment muscles. and it feels good!

why the queen? he fascinates me. i like these parts of him, these reading, music-playing, thoughtful parts of him, these drinking, farming parts of him. i like how he isn't what he looks like, how he has these seemingly incongruous personality aspects (engine-grease-soaked farmboy who loves not just books but literature, man who loves cats and babies and respects his mother but can fight and cuss and get completely wasted, hard worker who will uncomplainingly work fifteen-hour days for weeks and then tell off a wankerish supervisor and quit on the spot; i could go on). i like how i understand him in the way that i don't take his behaviour personally, but not in the way that his reasons are transparent to me. he has depth.

in montreal, when we had our fight, his friend (brother of the awesomes) talked to me about the queen, talked to me about his childhood, asked me why i think he is so different from his brothers. i learned more about the queen that night and it made me want to keep learning. it made me love him more. it made me want to be gentler with him, and show him more of my love. this is new depth for me.