"garby! garby!"

infrequent blog posting!

things have been really lovely. the home front is rich and fulfilling; the queen works on the bus, i do some sewing, the dumpling finds tiny crumbs and fluff on the floor and brings them over to me, proclaiming that she has found "garby", and watches me put them carefully in the garbage can. she in also quite interested in modes of transportation, and can be found pushing cars and trucks around, announcing planes and trains going by, and actually perambulating! staggering into the middle of the road and straight for the windshield cleaning station at the gas station is already taxing my worrisome heart. yes, i am that mom. it's okay, the queen is the dad who lets his daughter play in puddles and with fire, so we balance out quite nicely.

it's finally becoming sweater weather, which cheers me up to no end. i don't know why, but i just don't like august very much. too much socializing? too much heat... not enough sweaters or tea. so now, while i am sad that we have to close the windows at night, i am pleased by cool breezes, harvests, and the notion of needing to warm ourselves.

i suppose there is more to say, but i am not interested in saying it. but take heart in the knowledge that i am feeling pretty okay these days. hopes the same for you.

strange winds

the weather has been really wild here lately. i fucking love weather; how we cannot predict it, how quickly it changes in alberta and how fabulous it makes me feel. last night's thunderstorm was so loud i actually worried about trees falling on our house. the windstorm earlier in the week was also epic (how do the clouds fall into those shapes?), and now that the wind has blown away the mist from this morning (the dumpling and i were out foraging in the tall dandelions - so cute how they get her wet up to her waist!) i'm watching the trees get whipped around some more.

i'm having really weird maternal urges; daydreaming about more babies, adoptions, being foster parents... it's really freaky. i don't know what to do with myself. maybe there's some kind of herbs i can take? non-breeder medicinal capsules or something? :(

must remember morning sickness...

other than the weather and my barking ovaries, not much is happening. the dumpling says "teeth" and "sock" now. she has amazing tempo and is slowly gaining in mobility. her escape attempts from being diapered and pottied indicate that she has the skills. i think she just likes where she's at most of the time. still, we are about varied activities that inspire her to climb and hike and all that good stuff.

we are heading into town this weekend to go to a three-year-old's birthday bash and for me to help fieldinbloom on his album. i'm really enjoying coming up with some compassionate lyrics. a link to a completely different song by his completely different band can be found here.

parenting for one year: check.

the dumpling is officially one. it was a pretty good birthday weekend, although we are turning into one of those households the queen and i didn't want to live in: too many plastic toys :( she did receive one wooden rattle with a snazzy orange handle, which of course she loves and plays with all the time. and truckloads of pink clothing. thank goodness my old friend from high school brought a bag of awesome hand-me-downs from her kidlet, which included a john deere hoodie and some tiny orange carhartts, so we still have a balance.

we took the dumpling to her first public pool experience. she was all "biggest bathtub ever! holy crap!" and had a great time. a small portion of the queen's family came out (the rest all working, or vacationing in various warm and/or more exciting places than this) and my parents drove down, and some friends from the city came too, which made it super fun. at the end of the day, i thought the dumpling would pass out from all the craziness, but of course she was too overstimulated and sobbed instead. a huge bowl of rice cereal eventually did the trick, after which the queen and i passed out on the couch.

to celebrate surviving one year of parenting, we picked up a nice bottle of oban scotch. we're simple folks :)

now the dumpling suddenly seems huge, with many skills. although she still needs me to operate the puppet and hold the tiny cardboard books, so no escape yet.

evolution is dirty

watching "breakfast at tiffany's" with the dumpling. have never seen it before! it brings to mind, specifically, the nature of talent. am i deeply, importantly talented? or just cleverly, entertainingly talented?

i cried at the end of the film. of course. all will be well as long as Cat is okay. truly, i had to pick up my cat and sob while sitting beside the dumpling. who, relatively gently, petted the cat.

another quote, from music this time. "that old man/old woman you hope to be is still an infant." actually, the more complete quote is:

as far as we know there's only one way to gauge time

whether it's play time, work time or hit-the-stage time

hours, minutes and seconds; bars, beats and ticks

your watch isn't broken right now, there is no need to fix it

slow down for a moment and think about this in the context of instants

that old man or old woman you hope to be is still an infant...

i have this horrible confession to make. i am not truly in love with being a mom. i still miss my old life. i am two thirds this woman, except for the acceptance part. is this because enough time has not passed? am i still in the dark moon phase? am i still depressed, and this is why, although i know my child's fat little wrists thoroughly, it's more through being stuck with her every day than through the romance of motherhood? or am i just broken?

i have this sneaky feeling that although some women experience the born-again motherhood love-fest, many of us (at least more than i) just take on motherhood like the job it is; sometimes rewarding, sometimes a pain in the ass. i connect this somewhat to being not madly in love with crafts and kitsch, but who knows. maybe i'm just being judgmental :)

anyway. here is some writing i did. if you read these, maybe my dark egg of self-esteem will crack slightly. the first one is very recent, the second one about a year ago. also, kerry rae is a good photographer. so i'm really not asking too much.

exorcised nightmares

okay, here it is:

it's really hard to be a stay-at-home parent for the same reason it's difficult to be a stay-at-home, DIY anything: motivation rests solely on one's own shoulders. in a slump? no one will notice except you (especially if you're good at faking it). no one will beat it out of you, challenge you to better yourself, or come to the rescue.

however, it is really awesome in that YOU choose the course, you choose how things play out. and i have needed that for a long time. i have a strong tendency to blame authority figures for my misery, and i have made the queen out to be my authority figure, when in fact he is just the only other adult in this household. yeah yeah, he's a man, but that doesn't make him The Man. i am my own boss and i always have been, as everyone who knows me will laughingly attest.

so i finally finished a painting (or at least took it off the easel and hung it up). and i am finally figuring out a rhythm - coffee breaks come with a workday, so there is both work and coffee in my day but the order they come in is of my choosing (well, allowing for things like business hours of the post office and family time with the queen - today we danced with the dumpling to this awesome wagonchrist song). it doesn't matter how it looks to other people, it doesn't matter if it's weird, it just matters that i feel the balance works for me and my family (because if it worked for me and not my family, that would be sad - shared space needs to be respectful for all parties), that i find some peace in my day.

okay. there it is. i'm living the dream. thank you.

half a glass weeps its heart out

i was chatting with another parent today and we were discussing Things We Should Be Paranoid About. i'm surprised i am not more paranoid about more things. before parenting, i was very paranoid: cancerous foods, cancerous plastics, cancerous stores. now, i'm paranoid about my child eating known allergens too early, and our cleaning products. seriously, the dumpling chews on toys that will probably be banned in fifteen years and i'm only mildly traumatized. why is this? because i exist on way less sleep. i shove aside paranoia in favour of exhaustion quite regularly.

this is also my justification for reading less, reading more crap, watching more tv and eating more (gluten-free) toast (okay, i always ate too much toast). also, not watching foreign language movies; too tired or distracted to read the subtitles. it's good that i find some meaning in parenting, because i sure as hell get less meaning elsewhere.

case in point: i came across this blog entry, and in my previous life, i would have been fascinated by the linguistics of it all. and i still find that interesting. but mostly i was caught by a mention of an author of a cool mystery novel i read, and disappointed that what with his interest in physics and politics, he just didn't get much mystery-writing done. sad. see how far i have fallen?

the wife says a lot of free time and brain power returns with the fifth birthday. i just want my ability to construct reasonable sentences back. see what i'm saying? not sure. right-o.

i miss free time, and the freed-up mental space that came with it. i miss perspective. i miss having taken the time to rub out my own sore spots so that i am free to help others. now i'm just proud of shovelling the driveway. but it's only our driveway. i have friends that are Occupying, and i don't even know why. i have a friend who is going to jail for activism and government interference, and i'm worried i won't write her enough letters because i will forget she is in jail.

i have never felt so selfish, and yet, my life has never felt so challenging. what the aitch.

just click on the links, they're awesome.

the queen has returned - long live the queen.

it's really nice to have him back, for reasons i will get to in a second. but i have to laugh first, and so can you. ah, dirt.

we went to the queen's family farm to look for a holiday spruce tree, and found a gooder. the queen's parents have a patch of spruce that need thinning, so we gave one a temporary home. i love the smell of spruce. i have never gone tree-hunting before, and it was super fun. the dumpling seemed to enjoy it. of course i wanted all the scraggly peanuts trees, and the queen chopped down one that was too tall for our house. there is probably some good relationship analogy in there... it smells really wonderful in our house. the cat is angry about Change.

it has been lovely to have Da Man back home, especially since it's no longer movember so he shaved it off. whew.

just a dark moment here: how do i cope with all of the terrible things that are going to happen to the dumpling? i mean, i'm not even talking about pedophiles and car accidents and little kids with guns. i'm talking about bullies and puppy love and puberty. she is going to suffer even more than she has this week, with two teeth popping out. i have no idea what to do, and i am desperately going to need to do something. what the hell.

stank-tified

whew.

not going to lie; things have been rough. but now that i am feeling better, i can talk about it. of course.

the queen's vacation with the awesomes is going well. drinking, shooting, playing music, etc. of course, i am equally enjoying a testosterone-free home; all weapons and tools larger than a swiss army knife are in the mancave and nothing has been deep-fried in days. the dumpling and i go for walks every day, we put up some outdoor LED lights in the bushes today and i spent some money at thinkgeek.com for the holy-day season.

the tough things. yeah. okay maybe i can't talk about them yet. this parenting-as-a-couple thing is rough. take the hardest thing you've ever done and imagine trying to do it while coordinating dance steps with someone else. i don't even know how sane i am or am not. but the queen and i are figuring it out. separation is good for us. must remember.

i am loving all the things that are difficult, and i feel more meaning in my life than i have in years. it's just ... not easy. oh well. blah blah blah insert truism here. stick it out, sista.

dumpling popping her second front tooth is helping a lot, yeah. at least it's just she and i in the middle of the night, so the noise doesn't matter. i've noticed that when she teethes, she doesn't like eating as much and wants more bottles. she threw carrots at me yesterday, and the highchair today had serious rice fall-out. rice gets into crevices.

anyway, times are times are times.

blankey blank blank

it's been forever - sorry, pigeon-mistress.

i've been struggling with the way my blogging has changed. i feel like this is more a chronicle of my activities and less a collection of my witticisms and epiphanies. le sigh. i still have witty and mind-blowing moments, i am just too busy or tired to write them down. maybe that will be my next rebellion. i try and rebel at least once a week. sometimes i stay up late drinking whiskey and writing letters, sometimes i furiously clean the house and pile sir mans-a-lot's various tools back down into the mancave, sometimes i have an illicit bath while the dumpling naps and the dishes pile up (because dishes spawn when you let them lie).

i've been driving more recently. it feels empowering. finally. we've got snow, but it isn't crazy icy yet. just cold.

the dumpling is growing and eats a lot. a lot. also, frequently. it seems like i just got her up and changed her, and then after eating we play for a bit and she goes down for a nap. planning outdoor activities requires a strict "move along, nothing to see here" attitude, which seems weird and forced. but we usually make it out of the house once a day. and we play a lot.

i'm having trouble getting to the stuff i like doing, but i drew a little this evening - oil pastels on a paper bag. fun.

anyway. might as well post this; it isn't getting any more interesting. what am i doing?
parenting takes the lead, learning new skills comes next, then maintenance tasks (laundry, pasta sauce), then art, then blogging and letter-writing. minimum exercise.

okay, here's a tidbit: my favourite feeding is the late night feeding right before i go to bed, especially if i get there first with a ready-to-go bottle. after she guzzles it back she stretches waaay out (like a starfish basking in the awesomeness of the ocean), and while i'm pulling the blankets up, she grabs a hold of the wool blankie knit by my aunt and pulls it over her head. dreams are merely seconds away.

blagga blagga blag

internet, oh yeah.

i've been up in the city with the dumpling, and staying with the wife (we still discuss how she's the husband, and how we're both wives, and how inappropriate it is to describe our relationship with such an analogy). her new place is really cute, and really tiny. also, really internetless until this evening. so of course we're both sitting beside each other, (b)e-ing.

it's nice being up here. firstly, because i'm still depressed. this is helpful because it's information. i know i'm not depressed due solely to location. in fact, conversing with a friend led me to the realisation that after all i've been through in the last year and a half, i probably merit 'coming down' a bit. it's inevitable to have some plateaus. after the dizzying heights and rocket ship trips of late, these plainsy places might feel a tad blah. so that's how i feel. it's reasonable. it will pass. it isn't a tragically deep cesspool of postpartum blues from which i will never arise except as a wraith of a woman, shrouded in grey, wispy, shapeless sweaters.

it's also lovely to miss my manly queen. we've been talking while i'm gone. he's visiting the guys, eating chinese food, leaving beer cans all over the house, etc. to give credit, he is also being nice to the cat, knowing how much she is suffering. it's nice to miss each other. he misses the dumpling, of course. and i miss him both for myself (ze cuddles) and as a relief from parenting. there are many people here who like to hang out with the baby, but they aren't her dad, on whom i rely regularly and have agreements with (i think). the space has been good for us.

and lastly, the city is good for all the reasons it usually boasts: i have shopped 'locally', picked up cheaper expensive cat food, visited with Da Ladies (stay tuned for dumpling's first 'other hippie baby' playdate), enjoyed walking around and eating indian food, visited the bookstore... plus this time i got a massage, which was awesome. someone rubbing my sore spots made me feel simultaneously lucky and sorry for myself.

as i enjoy myself, i look forward to going home. traveling with a baby is weightier. and my home rocks.

nb: spilled water on computer, have no exclamation mark access. insert heavy emotion where you see fit.

warning! run-on sentences abound!

i've been wanting to post in the middle of the day when i'm doing stuff, and then at the end of the day i'm too tired to think with words. so this morning i got up early so i could say all the witty things that float through my mind. of course, by some shared bloodline creepazoid thingie, the dumpling can sense my conscious presence and is gurbling away in her crib instead of sleeping it off as a tame, not-yet-housebroken child should. oh who am i kidding, she's so not tame. one whose hobbies include grabbing onto my facial protuberances (lip being a faviourite; good for digging in with tiny talons) and then kicking me in the throat (my throat is getting to be mommy-tough) cannot be reasonably described as tame. the cat is tamer than that, and she eats flies.

the dumpling's latest feats include being able to take off her hats, which means sweaters are my saviour, though i did finally finish plasticking up the windows for winter. i also unpacked my winter clothes and am excited about woolly accessories because that's the kind of nerd i am. bring on the wrist warmers! scarves of varying thickness! leg warmers! classy gloves that remind me of my grandma but make my iphone inaccessible!

i retired hank for the season, which doesn't mean we won't take 'er on any more trips, but since the queen bought a used, right-hand drive safari (see how the steering wheel is wooden? classy, eh?) whose seats fold down quite well to fit an us-sized (okay, me-sized) mattress and one of the queen's bros gave us a portable crib, we figure we might downsize the travel accommodations for quick trips to the city. one camping stove for bottle heating - check. sorry hank. you're hard to park. but hank is still our awesome inlaw suite, where our friend fieldinbloom will be staying when he comes out in a couple of weeks! with his mother and daughter!

also, the awesomes will be staying a night on this thanksgiving long weekend. they are bringing the possums, and i am rather excited since the dumpling has evolved to a new level of playing. she quite likes the possums, and of course they like her since she is little and cute and they are smart little possums. lady awesome is no doubt liked by all girls everywhere, with her pocahontas-lady-of-the-woods eyes and her crooning ukelele skills.

other thanksgiving weekend activities include visits to both families for dinner. i'm quite looking forward to it; it's a small enough holiday that i don't generally feel unduly stressed, and my mom's famous potluck dinner is reliably entertaining. i was quite sad to have missed it last year, though wisconsin was quite lovely... i will bring my gluten-free stuffing, and the queen will bring his homemade lager. or stout. or possibly wine.

what have i been doing? puréeing those mother-loving apples like there's no tomorrow (i think we actually have too many frozen apple icecubes. for realz. but on the other hand, dumpling has been impressive in her eating lately, so maybe i just don't get how much her appetite will increase), making more homemade baileys (second batch is super freakin tasty), being all homebody-ish and trying to conserve my sanity. it's nice that these newly developed hobbies of making booze covers our asses for the holiday season. except for the queen. what do you get the guy who has too many hobbies and buys everything he wants? you make something, with time i can't find.

one last link: i have decided to enter the world of makeup. blame/reward bijoux! she's turning me into a girl. we did at-home facials the other day. anyway. i found the awesomest place to order super lovely cosmetics: all fruit pigments, vegan (mild use of cruelty-free honey), made in canada and free shipping in canada when you spend a small truckload of money (which i totally did yay!). hey, it's an investment. into what, i'm not sure. stay tuned for feedback on effectiveness and ease of use! and don't worry, i'm still a belching, wig-stealing, hardcore hiphop fan who skulks around in black, fraying hoodies.

jotting down the feats and fears

my day sounds boring sometimes, but it actually requires a fair amount of creativity. questions i am concerned with include: how do i fit in all these chores while spending quality time with my child, taking care of her physical needs and "being myself"? how can i incorporate learning into play? what is she learning now anyway? (the peanut's new thing is noticing the accessories. she's obsessed with my clothes and jewelry as well as windowsills and doorknobs.) how do i balance my relationship with the queen, my relationship with the peanut, and their relationship with each other? how do i share finances with someone? i truly have no idea and have been avoiding this question.

how do i find the energy to do the same thing every day with no end in sight? how am i going to cope when the government cuts off my maternity benefits?

there are more questions, more thoughts, more worry, more excitement. but that's all for now.

trouble in hobbiton

been a while since i blogged? not sure; days swim together. the queen doesn't get days off very often anymore so i find it hard to differentiate. there are sunny days and rainy days. i know time passes because i have to water the plants and mow the lawn (ironic, really; here, grow. no, not you!).

i've started a few blog posts, but they just peter out into nothingness. i suspect i fear i have nothing new to share. and i have been writing a lot of letters, which is an indication that i want to connect more on an individual basis, not with a group.

i started this blog as a method to meet a need for expression, but expression with responsibility. in a journal, i can lie to myself, but a blog pushes me to be more honest because someone out there reading could be able to see through my bullshit, and i would rather call myself on it.

i feel bored expressing the same thing: i feel depressed - not horribly depressed, just enough to make the day harder. i feel guilty for feeling depressed, even though it is a reasonable thing that happens to many new parents. i feel guilty because the queen is trying hard to make things nice for me, because he is supporting me while i can spend most of my day in a bathrobe (i don't, but i can - and there's a big psychological difference between working at home and working in public).

i feel trapped in the parenting role, so when i want to talk about the peanut, i cast myself as that person who can't talk about anything else because they have nothing else to bond with other adults over; they don't read the news or take in any art ... they don't have time for introspection.

i feel human when i can go to the city, or when someone takes the peanut for a day, or when we go camping. even though i am just as human when i stare at the dishes for the millionth time and i can't find the energy to do a twenty-minute task because i do it every day, usually twice. but if i am to be honest on this blog, which is the fucking point, i need to find a way to communicate honestly over my typical day, not my atypical day.

so we have identified the challenge. which is enough for me today. we're going to the city for a night; the queen gets this weekend off due to a stat holiday. so i shall feel human briefly again.

guide to baby clothes

gotta do it. it's driving me crazy. there is some useless shit out there.

sleepers: these are the complete one-piece pyjamas. THEY MUST HAVE TOES. thank you. they come either snapped up (slight pain in the ass at four in the morning) or zipped up (better, but make sure there is a snap at the very top - this shelters tiny necks from being jabbed with zipper heads). i prefer zipped, but many are snapped. the ones with snaps can have them up both legs - if not you end up having to jam a leg in - this leg can be very unjammable ("no! i will not stretch! i will remain absolutely straight and turn purple with rage! what the hell are you doing to me?"). my favourite is a sleeper given to us by mz awesome - it has two zippers - one up each leg - and two snaps at the top for neck protection.

onesies: these are the little bodysuits sans legs. they make changing diapers reasonably easy, and you can just throw a pair of pants to achieve clothed baby. the big problem here is the neck - you have to put onesies on over the preternaturally ginormous head. some just stretch (i like the overlapping shoulder stretchies versus the plain elastic ones) and some have a couple of snaps up the back. get some longsleeved and some shortsleeved. (i wish we knew someone to give this to).

socks: knee socks are best. ankle socks are as ridiculous and useless as pockets, and less cute. the higher, the better. remember, wriggling octopus must wear them.

t-shirts: for the baby that gets carried, annoying. they ride up.

dresses are better. riding up happens less often, but they're still easy diaper changes. some come with matching bottoms, but we have cute cloth diapers, so i don't worry about it too much (except for grandparent visits).

sweaters: super cute, especially when knit by friends. hoodies are also nice, though i think i prefer tuques to hoods as it interferes less with peripheral vision. baby sweaters seem rarely to come with zippers, which i think is a missed opportunity, but at least they are often cardigans. over-the-head sweaters sound like a nightmare.

bibs: the peanut currently goes through four to six a day - drooly mcspitup. i don't like leaving them on when they're damp, because something damp beside the skin all day long is gross. the big decision is velcro vs snap. the velcro sticks to everything in the wash while the snap (i fear) digs into her back, all bulky. i think i'd lean toward snap-up, especially for secondhand shopping, as velcro wears out with time. whew.

'nighties'. these are basically baby-in-a-bag. most of them don't have bottoms, but i got a hold of a couple that did and i like them. the wife called them little prisons because they are closed at the bottom, but i think they just keep baby toes warm. i like nighties better than sleepers because they are closer to sleeping naked than sleepers are, and i think we should all sleep naked as long as we're warm enough.

little mittens: some sleepers come with built-in optional mittens. go for built-in optional things whenever you can. mittens on their own are decent for when she develops little talons that we haven't trimmed. generally i avoid them though, because i think it's better to let the hands touch things - that's how they learn. we have used them on occasion though.

two pieces i want to try: baby leg warmers and chaps (though i'm still interested in adopting the diaper-free approach).

the tiniest knuckle hairs

whew. she also boasts the tiniest knuckle sandwich. i think she's teething. is it too early to be teething? hopefully not. eating doesn't help, changing doesn't help, even carrying her around only appeases for a moment. one cannot argue, bargain, plead or reason with an angry, stressed out little grublet. why don't i stop trying and just sing when she cries? because i have empathy, and as a parent, it's a superpower - 'super' implying intensity, not capability.

i gave her a little teething ring, but her tiny mouth is too small - it's sort of fun to watch her try though. i'm going to try the chipped ice in a mesh chew bag-thing someone gave us. i'll try anything, i've no shame (chipped ice in the mesh bag totally worked; she was all "what the? - gimme that shit"). writhing octopus, tribe of hissing cats, bottomless pit. what do these all have in common? they're her new nicknames.

uh, in deeper matters, i'm definitely going through one of the mourning stages for my old life. i took a few days off from small town life to go to "the big city" with the peanut. the queen joined us partway through. the wife did her amazing childcare thing in exchange for some groceries, and the queen and i went to a live jam and got drunk with my sis, who later disappeared into a gross nightclub with lots of young people. it was nice to get some time off from the grublet. the queen and the wife let me sleep a whole ten hours - it was like a holiday, especially in the way that i felt as though i needed another one to recover from this one.

oh yeah, i was supposed to talk about deeper matters. i've noticed i am good at avoiding this lately. i think, to be honest, that i don't want to admit i am not particularly happy right now. it will make me feel like a failure in choices, since shouldn't i be happy laying in this bed i made? and if i'm not, doesn't that mean i made the wrong choice? i know it's more complicated than that, but the realisation doesn't stop the insecurity. also, if i admit i am not happy, doesn't that make me a horrible mom? these things i would scoff at as a non-parent are harder to discard now. stupid hormones-led-on-by-society-bullshit. i've been faking it, telling people about the deep sense of satisfaction i feel, but quite frankly, sometimes i prefer the previous fleeting quest for happiness to this "i am already content, give me more poopy diapers" attitude of motherhood.

a friend told me not to succumb to the image of motherhood, to remember i am still me with all my non-maternal instincts. i was all "i am SO not at risk of that" and then i thought about it for twelve hours and realised i am. horribly, horribly at risk. isolated, with only my queen (AKA sir mans-a-lot) and the cat to remind me of my previous desires - shit, see that's how it happens - my current desires that are muffled under a thousand bibs wet with spit-up.

she's cute, and i love her, but it ain't everything.

send more nori

stayed up late enough to make it easier to just stay up til the peanut's 1am feeding. listening to ckua, a very wonderful radio station. a great blend of better songs. that is all i will say about music in this entry, sorry.

emotionally, what is up with me these days:

well, still tired. probably still quite low in iron, since i went below the line under which it is reasonable to receive a blood transfusion (but skipped it). i eat nori sheets (even though my but microbes are inferior), beets, liver... but it will take a while. other parts of my body are still settling in to whatever my new life looks like. lots of small child, way less personal time. did you ever notice that we allow ourselves more of a 'stress' reaction to change that surprises us? expected or chosen change isn't allowed to be stressful.

in one way, it's easy to be me right now. certainly easier than it has been! parenting is probably the simplest it's going to be; the peanut and i are developing a rhythm (not a schedule) and i am finding pockets of time (when i should probably be sleeping) like right now. a snatch of fun here, a scattered few pages in my journal or online; sanity. later, when she's running amok, these moments will probably be harder to find.

in another way, things suck. we are moving, so add another stressful thing to the table. the queen is working hard, renovated hank and is now beefing up the truck he bought recently. when we see each other, we're both very tired. this is draining, especially since we are still wanting to do things like go camping for may long weekend, but now that's harder to do. we exchange sharp words with what looks like increasing regularity. i realise this interaction reminds me of (all things!!) the dynamic my mom and i had when i was growing up: she had standards, i didn't always measure up, didn't do it her way, was told that.

i need to find a way to respond in a healthy way to these situations. the queen and i are equals in this relationship. this is easier to see for what is than when i was a child. i have moved forward in emotional development and communication skills. plus, i am choosing to be here. fuck, does choice make a difference in empowerment. that's why childhood sucks. i hope i remember that when the peanut is fifteen and the weight of the world lies on her shoulders, and she's surrounded by fallible family members who let her down.

i mine my emotions for content. i feel like i'm on a path. i think it's my path. right now, i'm trying to merely see it as clearly as i can, and walk.

bourbon, arrows and bikers

ahh, may long weekend. and it didn't even snow.

we went out to mr awesome's sister's place, a few hours east. she and her hubbyman proved the awesome moniker - they were awesome. they have a quarter-section with a couple of houses on it and some good plains n bushes. they have a one-year-old, three dogs and a cat or two (with outdoor cats, you never know for sure). we had a fire, chatted, drank too much bourbon n rum, and generally enjoyed ourselves. so much so that the next day was rather rough. well, we stayed up til the next day actually. jeezus.

two nights with the fine folks of awesome, then we headed out to a night at the farm. we were still in rather rough spirits, and the peanut, having been quite lovely for the duration of trekking around in hank (hank!) was also feeling crabby. most of the family had spent the weekend at the farm and were heading back, but there were still three brothers there; two with families, one with a ladyfriend. we chilled out for the evening, with the queen and his youngest brother shooting arrows (i shot a couple too, from the twenty yard line. i need some practice, but did manage to hit the target - a bale of hay with a bulls-eye spray-painted on it) and some mild refreshments happening.

the queen's brother came up with the idea of adults keeping the emotional motor functions of babies - bursting into tears at the least provocation, then totally fine again a minute later. can you imagine adults randomly freaking out? business meetings, family dinners... i like the mental image of sitting on one's ass in a grocery store aisle with a box of cheerios, just wailing.

now we're back at home - home for the next month or so! we got a new place in the next town over. it has way more room, is more baby-friendly and boasts a mancave for the queen. he really needs one - a place to put his guitars, his wood glue, his extra bottles of whatever vehicle liquid he is currently storing... i'm intrigued by the livingroom. it has a sunken-in area that would be good for new crawlers. there is also an apple tree in the front yard! yay! we move in the first of july. i'm excited to live in a town that doesn't have a dogfood factory, even if there are biker-looking dudes in the mobile home across the street. that just adds character to the neighbourhood, ya know?

anyway, as another parent put it, the long weekend are long when you're a parent. gotta run (trot, stumble, whatever).

reasons i am sick

1. the pixies. it was a good concert though. i scored a ticket and a hot date - the queen's brother had to work so i went with his special lady friend, who is really fun. i was disappointed in the many lineups - it was an all-ages show, which necessitated beer gardens, bag searches and beefy security guards who could never find the grey-haired man lighting up doobies in the crowd. it sucks having to chug down an overpriced, lousy drink to get back to standing behind tall people, but we were at least on kim deal's side of the stage (she's so cute!) and they played "where is my mind?" which i am a sucker for (there's a great porn shot at the end of that video).

i am old, though. i wasn't feeling well (darn you, mr awesome, and your little virus, too!) and i kept yawning, and my feet hurt. welcome to old age/the world of not doing yoga. i should really do some yoga. at least i have swapped out my computer chair for one of those giant playroom balls. it's easier than i thought to sit on it. i think it's actually more comfortable than a chair. hmm. we've got civilization all wrong (again).

2. the farm. we went out because there were some siblings visiting. it's rather difficult to visit there without drinking. no one got drunk (at least not while i was there) but everyone drank socially. everyone. i guess i could have just had tea, but i'm still so happy i can engage in health-ruining activities with other adults that i refuse to pass up. so i didn't get any healthier that night, but i laughed a lot.

3. fucked-up schedule. the see-saw continues as we try and get the peanut on a schedule and she refuses. ah, random hour in the morning - it's been so long, almost 24hours, since we last met. you are as hazily beautiful as i remember.

4. the election. crap. long-term win, short-term loss. thanks, quebec. fuck you, alberta. now left-wing canadians want to move south.

5. stress. the queen and i are currently getting along more than we were a couple of posts ago, but we're both still tired, and we're becoming broke, and we're getting married this summer, and blah blah fucking blah. we'd rather be on a beach somewhere far away. i'm glad we didn't buy a house, because then we'd be cemented into one lifestyle, but at least then we would be able to work on our own home instead of staring glumly at this rotten rental (the cute built-in shelving has worn off, leaving bad wiring, a stained floor and a yard full of broken glass). we're both too exhausted to make full-capacity mental decisions, so we stare blankly, yawn, and throw around ideas like damp dishrags. i wonder how many good nights of sleep would repair us. i know one night isn't enough. is parenting a long-term illness? there are correlations...

the league of notions

okay.

i feel tired. for a while when i got back from the hospital, the queen was still doing the brunt of the parenting tasks. as i got better, he has been able to do things like work on vehicles, look for a job, etc. i have been doing more of the housework (i follow the rule that the person with the highest standards should probably do the work - otherwise, no one is happy. and i have secretly always wanted to run a household. it pleases me to know when the walls were last washed, it really does.) and taking on more of the peanut's care. of course, i can still feel my body healing from whatever it's healing from. and then i want to have fun again, when i can - the awesomes are visiting, and i want to drink some wine and stay up late.

so i feel tired because of all these things, and i also feel tired because my sleep has been interrupted consistently for weeks now. people have remarked how well i look, considering. right now, i look like they expect - face tear-streaked, eyes red, shoulders slumped, defeated, yet with a gleam of wildness. this wildness is because the peanut will wake - she always does, thank goddess - and it will begin again. in this interim, do i choose food, sleep, social activities or soul activities? if i spend too long deciding, i get nothing.

i probably blogged this already, but sleep-deprived parents get recycling privileges: when i told my mom i was pregnant, she told me to be nice to the queen. i get that now. it's really easy to see this partner in crime as my enemy. he has faults and i pay for them. he forgets a smelly diaper, i find it. he is short-tempered, i get the shitty end of that. pro-create in haste, study your partner in leisure. i know we both have moments where we wonder what fate has in store for us.

right now, he is upstairs with the awesomes; they are playing songs, learning them together. it sounds like the times i always wanted to have. and i am sitting down here crying, because even though he apologized (and he meant it) i still feel the emotions our recent encounters have brought up. he apologizes, he feels better. he is tired and frustrated, he sings with his friends to let that go. i wish i could do the same right now.

he acknowledged that we are in this together. he relies on me, so shitting on me because he is stressed out is a bad move. it's good to hear that he gets it too.

i think i need to go for a walk.

all about food, mostly

things i miss about gluten:

1. chinese bakeries. oh god, the white flour and sugar. give me another red bean cake.
2. ichiban noodles. seriously, the queen still eats these and i sit by quietly, embarassed to admit i am jealous. but there ain't nothing like ichiban.
3. coffee shop pastries, and their fake goodness. also, their ability to stave off "woke up too late for breakfast" hunger on one's way to work. gluten-free people have to keep a stash of granola bars. it's not as much fun.
4. late night evil pizza. 'nuff said.
5. naan bread. i don't want to talk about it.

fatten up the post-surgery kid:

everyone wants to fill my hollows, and the queen, who has a bad costco habit (i found the wikipedia page on costco to be rather fascinating), came home with breakfast sausages and hashbrown patties that are gluten-free, and told me with deep satisfaction in his voice that i would soon be fat. he threatened me with large amounts of mayo from the costco-sized (think texas) jar of mayo he came home with, since i still hadn't made the homemade mayonnaise i had been talking about for months now. geez.

more post-surgery updates:

i feel more normal, and can pick up the peanut for longer, but still need to work on posture and deep breathing. still, i am starting to be able to sit up without grappling with my hands at the pillows, and help more around the house. i cleaned up some things that had been bothering me since i came home, and feel proud of myself. these activities are part of my healing process.

today i had my first great cry about it. short but intense, the tears were provoked by one of those feel-good birthing stories, where the child's health was at risk but everyone worked together and helped restore it. i then realised how many people contributed to saving my life and i burst into tears at how cared for and vulnerable that makes me feel. did you know apparently they take all your organs out and put them on the table while they mess around in your body? yeah, i'm visualizing it too. creepy.

the queen and i are valiently trying to maintain our relationship. today we shared some really nice cuddles while the peanut was napping, and i realised that when she sleeps between us, we don't get to touch as much. this part of co-sleeping sucks. also, she's a loud dreamer.

i can see how parents get so involved with the tasks of parenting that they forget the bigger picture. there isn't much time for pondering, and when you get it, you don't know how long until you'll be called back to the world (but probably less than half an hour).

life is good. if it would only stop snowing.