the lovelies got married!
the ceremony was, of course, lovely. it was rather hindu, so lots of beautiful saris, some circling of the fire while stepping on bricks and rice in some elaborate way (ritual still makes me nervous, but this was okay, perhaps because it wasn't expected of me to understand or participate. or maybe because i am MELLOWING OUT omg). there was also some AMAZING curry. the reception was at a decent hotel with more amazing food (our friend snuck tupperwares out and i'm fondly envious of her), good decor and some indian dancing (two different styles but i don't remember what they were). of course, the best part was seeing how brilliantly in love the lovelies are. i mean, they're nicknamed the lovelies for a reason, but they really outdid themselves with beauty and starry eyes. the needy cat in the post i linked to was present via framed pictures on the tables. yes, seriously. (RIP buddy the fish.)
the wife took the peanut for the evening so the queen and i rented a room at the hotel and partied like it was 2009. no, no we didn't. we went up to bed at quarter past twelve and passed out. then we both woke up at quarter past five, because that's what we're used to. oh boy oh boy.
it was weird getting together with a bunch of people i hung out with back here, before i moved in with the wife. i tend to see that as a traumatizing time in my life. bad romance, not standing up for myself, not feeling at home where i lived. it was enlightening to see how far i've come, because i didn't even feel awkward. hellz yeah, sistasage. you be growin. confident.
we're moving back to the city for a variety of reasons (you can probably guess most of them). we're also debating putting off the wedding for a year. it feels very stressy and rushed right now, and i think we will enjoy it more when we've settled in to whatever it is we're settling into. we're still deciding, and i went through a serious grieving process even acknowledging the idea of postponement, but i think it might be for the better. why rush? part of me worries i will use more time to freak out and back away, but quite frankly, this relationship is amazing. one more year just gives me one more year to enjoy it wearing an engagement ring. i would talk about what would happen if it didn't work out, but that feels very weird right now, so i will skip it. it feels weird enough to decide to get married, tell people, and then talk about putting it off. i don't like being public with my life unless it's very put-together. this is disconcerting, like admitting we are human beings or something. brr.
a disjointed blog entry. poor punctuation. welcome to parenthood.
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
June 13, 2011
January 5, 2011
some things are upside down.
two chunks of news.
one is homeish: settling in nicely, starting to make large batches of food and freezing it. so far, a good spicy turkey soup (which we ate so much of because of the cold we both had that only one tupperware made it into the freezer) and a nice pasta sauce. plans are at work for a salsa and a chili. the queen cut up some steaks and froze them as well. we're planning to use the dehydrator and making our own jerky (jerky is one of those pesky things that seem to have gluten in the store brands all the time). the rooms are shaping up, though still have far to go. the cat has an updated license and has begun to venture outside. it's nice to have an outdoor cat again - she was going crazy and bringing us with her.
the second chunk of news is baby-related: the little gymnast, though having been head-down at the last midwife visit, has turned into the breech position. this sucks, as in alberta, it means a probable c-section under the care of an ob-gyn. my midwives will still be able to be present at the "birth", and i am allowed to try and birth the baby vaginally, but the ob-gyn calls the shots. i am disappointed, but it's still early enough (35 weeks) to retain hope; try and get the baby to turn on its own. i have a plethora of homework to do, including moxibustion, swimming, laying with my hips up to convince the baby that's where up is (which i was doing a lot on the bustrip and not since we got of the bus, so hopefully starting that up again will do the trick) and visiting a chiropractor to make sure my hips are open enough and comfortable for the baby to hang out in. our option if that doesn't work is to go to the hospital and try and get the baby turned by a doctor, which presents a small risk of damage to the baby but less than the risks associated with a c-section. first thing first, off to have an ultrasound and confirm the head's up.
the midwife says i don't have the biggest uterus, but it's still big enough that the baby could turn around easily. so all is not lost. i would really like to birth the baby at home. we have been collecting all the goodies required and i have been reading the hypnobirthing book and getting really excited. so this is a bit of a blow, but i am focusing on the options available to us. stay tuned to see how the baby decides to birth.
in other news, i walked around town today (experiencing a bit of a chinook) and noticed some cute small town things. one, the bar is called the zoo, and its tag line is something about the local wildlife. har har. also, they're advertising an ac/dc tribute night - in november. right on. must've been really great.
two, the post office is attached to the senior's centre. what a genius idea.
anyway, off to put my feet up and talk to the baby about somersaults.
one is homeish: settling in nicely, starting to make large batches of food and freezing it. so far, a good spicy turkey soup (which we ate so much of because of the cold we both had that only one tupperware made it into the freezer) and a nice pasta sauce. plans are at work for a salsa and a chili. the queen cut up some steaks and froze them as well. we're planning to use the dehydrator and making our own jerky (jerky is one of those pesky things that seem to have gluten in the store brands all the time). the rooms are shaping up, though still have far to go. the cat has an updated license and has begun to venture outside. it's nice to have an outdoor cat again - she was going crazy and bringing us with her.
the second chunk of news is baby-related: the little gymnast, though having been head-down at the last midwife visit, has turned into the breech position. this sucks, as in alberta, it means a probable c-section under the care of an ob-gyn. my midwives will still be able to be present at the "birth", and i am allowed to try and birth the baby vaginally, but the ob-gyn calls the shots. i am disappointed, but it's still early enough (35 weeks) to retain hope; try and get the baby to turn on its own. i have a plethora of homework to do, including moxibustion, swimming, laying with my hips up to convince the baby that's where up is (which i was doing a lot on the bustrip and not since we got of the bus, so hopefully starting that up again will do the trick) and visiting a chiropractor to make sure my hips are open enough and comfortable for the baby to hang out in. our option if that doesn't work is to go to the hospital and try and get the baby turned by a doctor, which presents a small risk of damage to the baby but less than the risks associated with a c-section. first thing first, off to have an ultrasound and confirm the head's up.
the midwife says i don't have the biggest uterus, but it's still big enough that the baby could turn around easily. so all is not lost. i would really like to birth the baby at home. we have been collecting all the goodies required and i have been reading the hypnobirthing book and getting really excited. so this is a bit of a blow, but i am focusing on the options available to us. stay tuned to see how the baby decides to birth.
in other news, i walked around town today (experiencing a bit of a chinook) and noticed some cute small town things. one, the bar is called the zoo, and its tag line is something about the local wildlife. har har. also, they're advertising an ac/dc tribute night - in november. right on. must've been really great.
two, the post office is attached to the senior's centre. what a genius idea.
anyway, off to put my feet up and talk to the baby about somersaults.
July 2, 2010
roll, roll, roll your boat...
what to say, what to say. the queen and i had a pretty epic disagreement; one spawned by distance, previous troubles not fully laid to rest, a delay in sharing and old-fashioned miscommunication.
it was pretty rocky, explosive. can't say we don't have the passion part.
he took off, cooled down. i, after just having done this whole anger/hurt thing, feel pretty tired.
i still don't really know how i feel about our most recent volatile contact. i am relieved that the queen was able to sort out some things he would like to change about his own behaviour in order to better serve his needs. if he follows through with what he intends, there will likely be more peace both inside and around him. his epiphanies are his own, and i won't go into them here.
it just sapped me. all that emotion, so hard, so fast. it went through me and hit all the tender spots. it feels like a train went through me. someone else's train. but i cared, which made it sort of like my own train. in hindsight, which i desperately need more of, it can probably become one of those turning points.
if we turn. neither of us feel terribly confident about our ability to maintain long-term relationships. we both want to try, but we both have issues with the statistics on long-term relationships. we both have issues with each other's pasts and what we'll each become. there is uncertainty here.
it's strange to feel bred to fail, and experienced in failure, yet drawn to try. drawn to the light. is it the end of the tunnel or a fiery pit of doom? stay tuned and watch me not be able to tell the difference!
in household news, the lovelies return from oregon tonight so i am back at the house of the good witch. who has decided that for emotional health reasons, she needs to live alone unless the person she lives with is closer to her and more committed to a long-term stay. which totally makes sense and i knew i probably wouldn't stay here too long. still, it sucks to go pay rent somewhere. bookstores don't pay, i haven't had a raise since i got there last fall.
so i talked to one of the gnomes who just had some serious house-breaking, and needs new roommates. i can pay come the middle of the month, and olive and i can move into the only remaining gnome home (3) that we haven't lived in yet. so that will be happening in the next couple of weeks. welcome home. again.
this too shall pass, but what shall replace it?
it was pretty rocky, explosive. can't say we don't have the passion part.
he took off, cooled down. i, after just having done this whole anger/hurt thing, feel pretty tired.
i still don't really know how i feel about our most recent volatile contact. i am relieved that the queen was able to sort out some things he would like to change about his own behaviour in order to better serve his needs. if he follows through with what he intends, there will likely be more peace both inside and around him. his epiphanies are his own, and i won't go into them here.
it just sapped me. all that emotion, so hard, so fast. it went through me and hit all the tender spots. it feels like a train went through me. someone else's train. but i cared, which made it sort of like my own train. in hindsight, which i desperately need more of, it can probably become one of those turning points.
if we turn. neither of us feel terribly confident about our ability to maintain long-term relationships. we both want to try, but we both have issues with the statistics on long-term relationships. we both have issues with each other's pasts and what we'll each become. there is uncertainty here.
it's strange to feel bred to fail, and experienced in failure, yet drawn to try. drawn to the light. is it the end of the tunnel or a fiery pit of doom? stay tuned and watch me not be able to tell the difference!
in household news, the lovelies return from oregon tonight so i am back at the house of the good witch. who has decided that for emotional health reasons, she needs to live alone unless the person she lives with is closer to her and more committed to a long-term stay. which totally makes sense and i knew i probably wouldn't stay here too long. still, it sucks to go pay rent somewhere. bookstores don't pay, i haven't had a raise since i got there last fall.
so i talked to one of the gnomes who just had some serious house-breaking, and needs new roommates. i can pay come the middle of the month, and olive and i can move into the only remaining gnome home (3) that we haven't lived in yet. so that will be happening in the next couple of weeks. welcome home. again.
this too shall pass, but what shall replace it?
April 21, 2010
just in! being self helps
ha! sometimes i really enjoy the environment that comes with my job. customer comes in, buys some books, asks me where "those kids got their ice cream". i tell her about the place up the block that's so fancy you could ask for m&m's and guitar strings on your ice cream and they'd do it. off she goes. a little while later, the drunks outside the pub next door are getting all emotive. we check, and it appears the bookstore customer, parked right in front of the store, has a dead battery and wants to know if any of the drunk guys can help. the poster-child for drunk brits decides they should push-start her car (or at least, he's the loudest about it) and gets all the other smoking drunk people to help. keep in mind this is a major thoroughfare. so this little car goes careening off into traffic with maybe five big guys behind it. it starts! and roars off. and guess where the ice cream ends up? in the hands of the poster-child. that's how community works in big cities, i think.
it's probably a funnier story with the soundtrack of seven or so men laughing hysterically, eating ice cream.
trying to settle into a routine, a summer routine. finding it difficult. i still want to spend most of my time with the queen, but he works days (early starts, getting earlier) and i work largely nights. he gets weekends off (for now) and i get random weekdays off. so we see each other rarely, and not necessarily at our best - one of us is half-conscious. he's very sweet, coming by the store when he gets off work, and coming by for lunch occasionally. i wish i could visit his work, but its nature makes it impossible. more than half the time he isn't even in the far-away office anyway.
and i like having my own time. i do. i just have pre-worry about the quality of our time together because it's harder to be fully present with each other right now. and when i think about the idea of that being all it would take for us to forget the awesomeness, i roll my eyes. i mean, come on. but it's hard to keep teasing my worry when it's really worried. and he'll end up working sixteen-hour days this summer, he's warned me. worry worry.
okay, so find a strategy that helps with the worry, find a special thing that can happen in terms of shared time, and set a check-in date with self after the summer is over, like november, where we'll have had a chance to see each other again in real daylight hours. and show my love in the meantime. acknowledge that the relationship means a lot.
meditate. make dinner. consciously live while time is passing.
it's weird how often my strategies boil down to eating and sitting and doing my own thing. i wonder if that's really the secret to peace? that and trust. trust the relationship, trust my self, trust the person i am with.
caribou!
it's probably a funnier story with the soundtrack of seven or so men laughing hysterically, eating ice cream.
trying to settle into a routine, a summer routine. finding it difficult. i still want to spend most of my time with the queen, but he works days (early starts, getting earlier) and i work largely nights. he gets weekends off (for now) and i get random weekdays off. so we see each other rarely, and not necessarily at our best - one of us is half-conscious. he's very sweet, coming by the store when he gets off work, and coming by for lunch occasionally. i wish i could visit his work, but its nature makes it impossible. more than half the time he isn't even in the far-away office anyway.
and i like having my own time. i do. i just have pre-worry about the quality of our time together because it's harder to be fully present with each other right now. and when i think about the idea of that being all it would take for us to forget the awesomeness, i roll my eyes. i mean, come on. but it's hard to keep teasing my worry when it's really worried. and he'll end up working sixteen-hour days this summer, he's warned me. worry worry.
okay, so find a strategy that helps with the worry, find a special thing that can happen in terms of shared time, and set a check-in date with self after the summer is over, like november, where we'll have had a chance to see each other again in real daylight hours. and show my love in the meantime. acknowledge that the relationship means a lot.
meditate. make dinner. consciously live while time is passing.
it's weird how often my strategies boil down to eating and sitting and doing my own thing. i wonder if that's really the secret to peace? that and trust. trust the relationship, trust my self, trust the person i am with.
caribou!
March 10, 2010
oh the perspective; thanks science, thanks music.
an interesting blurb about relationships here. there's a bit about online dating, but the part that really touched me, at the end, is about people who suffer from depressive episodes and how it affects their relationships. oh mister mcferrin, can you say it again?
it really is neat though, how simply it divides relational uncertainty. if you are in a relationship (and everyone is in one kind or another) ask yourself the three questions:
oh well, i resolutely say to myself. we deal with strange bugs under rocks when we find them; no need to unearth the whole field right away.
lastly, if you are curious or concerned about your mental health, read this and check here.
it really is neat though, how simply it divides relational uncertainty. if you are in a relationship (and everyone is in one kind or another) ask yourself the three questions:
- how certain am i about how i view this relationship?
- how certain am i about where the other person wants this to go?
- how certain am i about the future of this relationship?
oh well, i resolutely say to myself. we deal with strange bugs under rocks when we find them; no need to unearth the whole field right away.
lastly, if you are curious or concerned about your mental health, read this and check here.
December 22, 2009
eenteresting, she says (cue stroking of beard)
it was a crappy yesterday morning, but the afternoon rallied and this morning felt entirely livable. i was having some issues with how little i trust, due to a childhood of being let down by parents who couldn't move past their own traumas to a place where they could teach me how to be vulnerable, how to be intimate, how to take care of each other.
i have realized something (with the help of my awesome, purple-wearing, myth-quoting therapist) about how i relate to my family, or at least, the family i have left. i am still trying to change things. i mean, things sucked, so it's understandable. but it has to stop. i can't spend the rest of my life trying to make my family healthier, trying to reverse my childhood.
it's amusing, in a way, because i have, a million times, thought i was done with the family shit. yet... it manages to filter back into my life, like the cat who came back, and every time, it unravels yet another future i am striding toward.
this time, i don't try and fix things. things stay broken? not my problem. i finally see why my sister left. she was trying to protect herself.
this time, i am here for myself. what this changes is everything. stop trying to talk to people so that they'll 'learn'. start only saying what i feel i need to say to help myself.
leave the family by the water. they'll drink if they feel like it. and if they never thirst, that changes nothing about me. i thirst. and i give myself water.
i have realized something (with the help of my awesome, purple-wearing, myth-quoting therapist) about how i relate to my family, or at least, the family i have left. i am still trying to change things. i mean, things sucked, so it's understandable. but it has to stop. i can't spend the rest of my life trying to make my family healthier, trying to reverse my childhood.
it's amusing, in a way, because i have, a million times, thought i was done with the family shit. yet... it manages to filter back into my life, like the cat who came back, and every time, it unravels yet another future i am striding toward.
this time, i don't try and fix things. things stay broken? not my problem. i finally see why my sister left. she was trying to protect herself.
this time, i am here for myself. what this changes is everything. stop trying to talk to people so that they'll 'learn'. start only saying what i feel i need to say to help myself.
leave the family by the water. they'll drink if they feel like it. and if they never thirst, that changes nothing about me. i thirst. and i give myself water.
December 12, 2009
Buffet of Metaphors at Vitamin B's! Free Drinks!
wondering what lifts me, what hit me,
what it means, what's drifting
away
or floating toward
me, grinning and sinning,
ripe to be born
poetry, poetry; that part of my mindbody that opts in and out of linear timelines, scoffing gently at the 'not allowed' signs of social context.
what an interesting few days! says this mindbody:
breakup, epic gnome visit (oh the laughter. oh the tears. oh the size of the bottle), loss of wallet (hopefully left on a bus and returned to lost&found, but probably lying in a school field, buried in a lot of snow), visit with sincerely pregnant friend (Seeking still has an innie, but it's more like a tight wink) and a saturday morning bookstore shift.
yeah, i tried to slide the breakup in there, like it was 'just another crazy day'. but it wasn't crazy.
thoughts of vulnerability float, unhinged to any relationship, on the river of mindbody. previous breakups have had an aspect of 'broken', but this, this sparks a different light. this just didn't fit me right now. notwithstanding the incredible comfort i feel when he touches me, notwithstanding the volumes of common language we share or the deep chimes in my heart that sing for this man. i feel sad for letting something go that is so beautiful. but if the dress doesn't fit, the quality of it is irrelevant.
how it doesn't fit, i think: i want to travel, emotionally. i want to explore the vistas of personality, the garden of people, the variety of sentience. this tends to result in long absences, emotionally, from 'home'. the Home within me (slowly being inhabited more and more, as i see how easily it travels) is a different matter, but the external emotional home, the people and relationships i keep... it's asking a lot from a partner; that relationship is heavy in time and energy. to be emotionally gone, for weeks at a time... it's not how most people work, and it's not how Special Friend works. and it's not something i see changing about myself anytime soon.
that said, i know i use emotional roadtrips to 'get out of homework free'. it's important that i maintain intimacy and vulnerability in my life, that i'm not just present for the good times, that my relationships are based in both joy and suffering; in the sharing of what is, and what isn't.
so i speak the mantra, and turn the page.
what it means, what's drifting
away
or floating toward
me, grinning and sinning,
ripe to be born
poetry, poetry; that part of my mindbody that opts in and out of linear timelines, scoffing gently at the 'not allowed' signs of social context.
what an interesting few days! says this mindbody:
breakup, epic gnome visit (oh the laughter. oh the tears. oh the size of the bottle), loss of wallet (hopefully left on a bus and returned to lost&found, but probably lying in a school field, buried in a lot of snow), visit with sincerely pregnant friend (Seeking still has an innie, but it's more like a tight wink) and a saturday morning bookstore shift.
yeah, i tried to slide the breakup in there, like it was 'just another crazy day'. but it wasn't crazy.
thoughts of vulnerability float, unhinged to any relationship, on the river of mindbody. previous breakups have had an aspect of 'broken', but this, this sparks a different light. this just didn't fit me right now. notwithstanding the incredible comfort i feel when he touches me, notwithstanding the volumes of common language we share or the deep chimes in my heart that sing for this man. i feel sad for letting something go that is so beautiful. but if the dress doesn't fit, the quality of it is irrelevant.
how it doesn't fit, i think: i want to travel, emotionally. i want to explore the vistas of personality, the garden of people, the variety of sentience. this tends to result in long absences, emotionally, from 'home'. the Home within me (slowly being inhabited more and more, as i see how easily it travels) is a different matter, but the external emotional home, the people and relationships i keep... it's asking a lot from a partner; that relationship is heavy in time and energy. to be emotionally gone, for weeks at a time... it's not how most people work, and it's not how Special Friend works. and it's not something i see changing about myself anytime soon.
that said, i know i use emotional roadtrips to 'get out of homework free'. it's important that i maintain intimacy and vulnerability in my life, that i'm not just present for the good times, that my relationships are based in both joy and suffering; in the sharing of what is, and what isn't.
so i speak the mantra, and turn the page.
June 9, 2009
moon the reaper
focusing on the fear, i notice that i fear being overwhelmed. especially physically. every time i move toward that kind of experience (through dance, drugs or sex, for example) i am met with the terrified possibility of anything happening, and happening before i can even notice or assess the situation. my inherent mistrust of my environment is seen clearly. "if the world really knew me, if i couldn't hide myself behind this capable mask, then..."
then what? the primordial boogie monsters? the sudden shock spreading through the masses (omg, she poos; call the press)... or the simple "let us eat the human for breakfast"? okay, more truthfully: that i wouldn't be able to find my way back. that i would find my way back and feel imprisoned in my body.
well, it's either worth the risk or it isn't. the whole 'letting go' aspect can also be exciting.
me < universe = balance
then what? the primordial boogie monsters? the sudden shock spreading through the masses (omg, she poos; call the press)... or the simple "let us eat the human for breakfast"? okay, more truthfully: that i wouldn't be able to find my way back. that i would find my way back and feel imprisoned in my body.
well, it's either worth the risk or it isn't. the whole 'letting go' aspect can also be exciting.
me < universe = balance
April 4, 2009
grace and machinery
i definitely fell off my detox wagon last week and it took almost an entire week to regain the feeling of honest equilibrium; the sensation of living in my body, not a storm.
sake and junk food aren't what i want. and that's the nice thing, is that i am following my own desires, if not all of them. i actually want to put fresh vegetables and fruit in my body. i miss the ability to engage in the snack world, but then i have some dark chocolate and all feels well again.
i know i am still coddling myself a bit; not making myself do what i don't want to do. but i remind myself that my standards are inordinately high; i am organizing an art show, sitting on a board of directors (and being active on it), keeping a job and detoxing. so what if i sit around in the evenings and watch the l word? so what if i've been slacking on reading?
then i remember that many of my activities are still in lieu of what i would actually be doing if i felt free enough to move toward those things. i hold a moment of grief for how long i have kept myself in chains. i reaffirm each freeing moment. and i get up and do something incredibly kind for myself. a bath, some tea, a deep belly laugh.
and i know that i am kind enough to trust myself.
sake and junk food aren't what i want. and that's the nice thing, is that i am following my own desires, if not all of them. i actually want to put fresh vegetables and fruit in my body. i miss the ability to engage in the snack world, but then i have some dark chocolate and all feels well again.
i know i am still coddling myself a bit; not making myself do what i don't want to do. but i remind myself that my standards are inordinately high; i am organizing an art show, sitting on a board of directors (and being active on it), keeping a job and detoxing. so what if i sit around in the evenings and watch the l word? so what if i've been slacking on reading?
then i remember that many of my activities are still in lieu of what i would actually be doing if i felt free enough to move toward those things. i hold a moment of grief for how long i have kept myself in chains. i reaffirm each freeing moment. and i get up and do something incredibly kind for myself. a bath, some tea, a deep belly laugh.
and i know that i am kind enough to trust myself.
December 18, 2008
hanging in the balance
i read this comic today, and was immediately struck by how simply it conveys a societal tendency that catches us all up. how do we equate the unknown with danger when often, it is the familiar that hurts us? if i took a poll... though surely, the desire for the familiar is clearly beneficial in many senses - healthy patterns like diets, bedtimes, grooming, friendships, communities. it's simply not universally applicable. (agents of the search for the universally applicable continue on, disappointed but stoic.)
the mystery of the unknown can also be attractive. but that needs to be our choice, to investigate or be open to the unknown. as a statement of freedom, independence, choice, stepping into the unknown is amazing. being hucked into the black hole of who-knows-what by circumstances beyond our own powers is often a little rougher to swallow than a "ooo, i'll take door #3, please" situation.
the love affair with the familiar. the romance with the unknown. the inevitable chaos of the future, rolling invisibly toward us.
an old roommate told me matter-of-factly once that when it's happening to someone else, it's a soap opera. but when it's happening to you: "it's my life!!" ah yes, yogi. for each of us, it is of vital importance, to the highest standards, the immediate circumstances of this one life.
how do we deal with the moments when it seems so hard to keep living? when the blackness is threatening to swallow us whole, when we must flee but there is nowhere left to go? when we check in with our hearts and the reply is a cryptic "wait". when the suspense is killing us.
may we learn to forgive ourselves. over and over and over again. seek new ways the universe is friendly. remember how often we've assumed the worst and it turned out to be something simple. and if we aren't big risk-takers, take small risks instead. so often, i reach out and the other person says "i was hoping you would. i myself was too scared."
the mystery of the unknown can also be attractive. but that needs to be our choice, to investigate or be open to the unknown. as a statement of freedom, independence, choice, stepping into the unknown is amazing. being hucked into the black hole of who-knows-what by circumstances beyond our own powers is often a little rougher to swallow than a "ooo, i'll take door #3, please" situation.
the love affair with the familiar. the romance with the unknown. the inevitable chaos of the future, rolling invisibly toward us.
an old roommate told me matter-of-factly once that when it's happening to someone else, it's a soap opera. but when it's happening to you: "it's my life!!" ah yes, yogi. for each of us, it is of vital importance, to the highest standards, the immediate circumstances of this one life.
how do we deal with the moments when it seems so hard to keep living? when the blackness is threatening to swallow us whole, when we must flee but there is nowhere left to go? when we check in with our hearts and the reply is a cryptic "wait". when the suspense is killing us.
may we learn to forgive ourselves. over and over and over again. seek new ways the universe is friendly. remember how often we've assumed the worst and it turned out to be something simple. and if we aren't big risk-takers, take small risks instead. so often, i reach out and the other person says "i was hoping you would. i myself was too scared."
October 7, 2008
small gem
trust might not be necessary in order to love, but trust seems to be required in order to be loved. how can i receive your love if i do not trust you? why would you open to my affections and attentions when you doubt my motives?
trust is a cornerstone of reciprocal love.
trust is a cornerstone of reciprocal love.
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