feeling better. well, feeling okay about not feeling great.
my folks visited today, and mom found my high school grad dress. it's deep burgundy and mildly medieval in a gothic, vampire-y sort of way. perfect for costume party adornments, and mom suggested it as a possibility for a wedding dress. her own dress is another alternative, an ivory long-sleeved relatively classic dress with ivory beading, or embroidered with something in some way... i intuitively feel like it's too fancy for the kind of wedding we'll have. i mean, a hostel is booked, we'll be staying in hank, people will be camped and the 'ceremony' will be in a meadow. that sheds light on our style. i want to mark the occasion with adornment (what is that, anyway? this method of expression we have evolved, taped onto the back of the necessity of sheltering one's body from the elements through clothing ourselves), but it needs to fit in with the outdoor world. if we got married in the evening, that might work more for burgundy. hey, that's kind of an interesting idea - sunset ceremony. then we can get right to the eating and drinking and hot-tub-lounging.
weddings are making me think about the future, about my values. values. yeesh.
my mom's husband and the queen traded childhood farm stories, often involving the harm one of the siblings wrecked on another (my favourite was the pitchfork thrown like a spear in revenge for being driven over with the tractor (and into the manure pile). although the story of two broken noses holds a special place too). mom and i were sitting there with our tame-ass kiddie stories, realising we never would have survived such darwinian upbringings.
the peanut - cute as ever. more knitted goods have arrived, and storybooks... i feel very loved by my friends and family. i feel like we, as a family unit, are loved by a larger community (a community based not in geography but in time and experience and choice). it's a new feeling, my heart holds it warmly.
April 3, 2011
April 1, 2011
blech.
for some reason, i feel gross. it's a beautiful day out, the peanut allowed us to sleep and is napping again, i have time to write letters, etc, and instead i loaf around, feeling gross. i went for a walk a while ago to clear myself, but i still feel blechy.
motherhood: it's terrifying. i need to acknowledge that currently, part of me is locked in my head, rocking back and forth muttering "what have you done? what have you done?" it's scary for a perfectionist to try and stop a crying baby. sometimes you've tried everything and you just have to try it all again, hoping something will work that didn't work the first time around. sometimes she's hungry but doesn't realise that eating will solve her problem. sometimes i'm just tired of it, sometimes she wakes up every half an hour and it takes an hour to get her back to sleep.
sometimes i wish i was still childless, still at the bookstore in the city, still stressed out about what i'm going to do with my life, still feeling like an underachiever.
today, i don't like living in a small prairie town. i don't like the neighbours i haven't met who are roofing next door. i am weirded out at the house decorations (bright pink fences, cowboy cutouts on the outside walls, strange wooden carvings that look unintentionally like southpark characters), the small-town-big-penis cars and trucks (adorned with flaming skulls, etc) and the smell of thawing dog shit.
fortunately, in all this, i still love my daughter. and the queen! he is extra lovely these days, even though he's trying to sell a car that ran perfectly reasonably until he decided to sell it, and since then, has been haunting him with strange little fuck-ups. he even took it into a shop, as opposed to fixing it himself, and then it wouldn't run at all. ah, shop mechanics (my apologies to the three good ones out there).
i'm not even tired, so i can't go back to bed (tried that). i'm caught up on laundry and dishes, i don't feel like reading... blech.
for some reason, i feel gross. it's a beautiful day out, the peanut allowed us to sleep and is napping again, i have time to write letters, etc, and instead i loaf around, feeling gross. i went for a walk a while ago to clear myself, but i still feel blechy.
motherhood: it's terrifying. i need to acknowledge that currently, part of me is locked in my head, rocking back and forth muttering "what have you done? what have you done?" it's scary for a perfectionist to try and stop a crying baby. sometimes you've tried everything and you just have to try it all again, hoping something will work that didn't work the first time around. sometimes she's hungry but doesn't realise that eating will solve her problem. sometimes i'm just tired of it, sometimes she wakes up every half an hour and it takes an hour to get her back to sleep.
sometimes i wish i was still childless, still at the bookstore in the city, still stressed out about what i'm going to do with my life, still feeling like an underachiever.
today, i don't like living in a small prairie town. i don't like the neighbours i haven't met who are roofing next door. i am weirded out at the house decorations (bright pink fences, cowboy cutouts on the outside walls, strange wooden carvings that look unintentionally like southpark characters), the small-town-big-penis cars and trucks (adorned with flaming skulls, etc) and the smell of thawing dog shit.
fortunately, in all this, i still love my daughter. and the queen! he is extra lovely these days, even though he's trying to sell a car that ran perfectly reasonably until he decided to sell it, and since then, has been haunting him with strange little fuck-ups. he even took it into a shop, as opposed to fixing it himself, and then it wouldn't run at all. ah, shop mechanics (my apologies to the three good ones out there).
i'm not even tired, so i can't go back to bed (tried that). i'm caught up on laundry and dishes, i don't feel like reading... blech.
March 28, 2011
practically humdrum now!
whew. big weekend.
saturday, went out to the farm; the queen had family in from ireland and there was a minor shindig. it was the first time i saw most of his family since getting out of the hospital, and i felt really cared for - they all hugged me and said nice things like they've been my family for a long time, instead of less than a year. yay.
sunday, drove home for a quick coffee, then went to my folks' place for the night. this involved driving on shitty roads; wind plus slushy snow equals scary. also, it's been grey forever. wtf. i live on the prairies, it's cold but there is sunshine, right? right?? anyway, the grandparents tour's second leg went well.
today we drove into the city and did some shopping, then visited with the wife and batdog, bringing them back home for a few days. it was weird to be in the city; i felt overwhelmed by the cars, the signs, the everything. although going for indian food helped the overstimulation a lot.
but now i'm exhausted. guess i'm still in recovery mode.
this week looks busy too. doctor's appointment, optometrist's appointment, fieldinbloom is visiting, then possibly a road trip out to visit the awesomes in the next province over. we want to get as much of this stuff done before the queen goes back to work. and when the days are full, i pay less attention to feeling ill - i feel more human when i keep busy. but i want to keep my health up and not overextend myself; still don't feel confident that i have that balance right. i definitely still have some things lacking - posture, balance (as in, physical balance), full lung-power, stamina...
all in time. currently my mantra. also, carrying rocks around in my pocket, and working on deep breathing. (thanks jen!)
saturday, went out to the farm; the queen had family in from ireland and there was a minor shindig. it was the first time i saw most of his family since getting out of the hospital, and i felt really cared for - they all hugged me and said nice things like they've been my family for a long time, instead of less than a year. yay.
sunday, drove home for a quick coffee, then went to my folks' place for the night. this involved driving on shitty roads; wind plus slushy snow equals scary. also, it's been grey forever. wtf. i live on the prairies, it's cold but there is sunshine, right? right?? anyway, the grandparents tour's second leg went well.
today we drove into the city and did some shopping, then visited with the wife and batdog, bringing them back home for a few days. it was weird to be in the city; i felt overwhelmed by the cars, the signs, the everything. although going for indian food helped the overstimulation a lot.
but now i'm exhausted. guess i'm still in recovery mode.
this week looks busy too. doctor's appointment, optometrist's appointment, fieldinbloom is visiting, then possibly a road trip out to visit the awesomes in the next province over. we want to get as much of this stuff done before the queen goes back to work. and when the days are full, i pay less attention to feeling ill - i feel more human when i keep busy. but i want to keep my health up and not overextend myself; still don't feel confident that i have that balance right. i definitely still have some things lacking - posture, balance (as in, physical balance), full lung-power, stamina...
all in time. currently my mantra. also, carrying rocks around in my pocket, and working on deep breathing. (thanks jen!)
March 24, 2011
a bit of everything for everyone
remember the cat?
me neither. just kidding! olive is, of course, jealous of the peanut. usually content to sleep at the foot of the bed or in between the queen's legs, she has recently decided she needs to sleep between us, by the pillow. right where the baby is. also, she needs to be on my lap, but only when the baby is. when we burp the baby, she comes running, because she likes spanks (s&m kitty, now you know. i outed her.) and it seems to her that we're spanking the child far more often than her own deserving bum gets any action (this is further compounded by the fact i still bend down very rarely, so olive will lure me to the carpet only to be frustrated).
poor cat. she still gets lovins though. i am still thoroughly a cat person. the queen also gives her attention, though his attention is somewhat more... violent than mine. he claims he has broken her, giving evidence that she lets him roll her over and toss her onto beds and couches. i think they vent their frustrations on each other.
i've also taken to talking to the cat like i talk to the baby, and i periodically call the child "kitten". ah well. the queen started calling olive "olivia" which evolved into 'livey, and this morning i heard him call out " 'livey oil! " who broke who, that's what i wonder.
neck cheese?
something that they don't tell you: babies' bodies have lots of folds, and things hide in there. the milk she drinks sometimes (okay, frequently) gets drooled down the side of her mouth and into the crevices in her neck. then it colonizes into neck cheese. these neck folds are tricky, let me tell you. we're talking quaker-during-the-civil-war tricky. spit-up neck cheese is even more quease-inducing, mostly because i just think so. anyway. clean those necks. all of them. especially the ones you can't see.
the midwives!
we had our last official midwife visit, but i hope we see these fabulous women again. they're just awesome. i needed to share that. i've laughed so often during our visits, and i felt so cared for after the birth, with all the breastfeeding troubles, and when i was in the hospital. i appreciate them so much more because i have so much less local community here.
well, mostly i just wanted to talk about neck cheese. wait! for those who remember that i used to blog about adult things like films and books:
we watched "black swan" last night. someone should have warned me it's a psychological horror movie. i watch movies to relax or be mentally stimulated, not scared out of my wits with clenched muscles. that said, it was reasonably well done, although the queen noted the serious amount of ballet and mom issues pegged it as a chick flick, dark as it may be.
i'm (slowly) reading a collection of larry niven short stories. i had read one of his novels and decided it was too "boy sci-fi" for me, but the stories are great. the queen (who got me the book) says his stories tend to be better than his books.
there you go, media fans. some media.
me neither. just kidding! olive is, of course, jealous of the peanut. usually content to sleep at the foot of the bed or in between the queen's legs, she has recently decided she needs to sleep between us, by the pillow. right where the baby is. also, she needs to be on my lap, but only when the baby is. when we burp the baby, she comes running, because she likes spanks (s&m kitty, now you know. i outed her.) and it seems to her that we're spanking the child far more often than her own deserving bum gets any action (this is further compounded by the fact i still bend down very rarely, so olive will lure me to the carpet only to be frustrated).
poor cat. she still gets lovins though. i am still thoroughly a cat person. the queen also gives her attention, though his attention is somewhat more... violent than mine. he claims he has broken her, giving evidence that she lets him roll her over and toss her onto beds and couches. i think they vent their frustrations on each other.
i've also taken to talking to the cat like i talk to the baby, and i periodically call the child "kitten". ah well. the queen started calling olive "olivia" which evolved into 'livey, and this morning i heard him call out " 'livey oil! " who broke who, that's what i wonder.
neck cheese?
something that they don't tell you: babies' bodies have lots of folds, and things hide in there. the milk she drinks sometimes (okay, frequently) gets drooled down the side of her mouth and into the crevices in her neck. then it colonizes into neck cheese. these neck folds are tricky, let me tell you. we're talking quaker-during-the-civil-war tricky. spit-up neck cheese is even more quease-inducing, mostly because i just think so. anyway. clean those necks. all of them. especially the ones you can't see.
the midwives!
we had our last official midwife visit, but i hope we see these fabulous women again. they're just awesome. i needed to share that. i've laughed so often during our visits, and i felt so cared for after the birth, with all the breastfeeding troubles, and when i was in the hospital. i appreciate them so much more because i have so much less local community here.
well, mostly i just wanted to talk about neck cheese. wait! for those who remember that i used to blog about adult things like films and books:
we watched "black swan" last night. someone should have warned me it's a psychological horror movie. i watch movies to relax or be mentally stimulated, not scared out of my wits with clenched muscles. that said, it was reasonably well done, although the queen noted the serious amount of ballet and mom issues pegged it as a chick flick, dark as it may be.
i'm (slowly) reading a collection of larry niven short stories. i had read one of his novels and decided it was too "boy sci-fi" for me, but the stories are great. the queen (who got me the book) says his stories tend to be better than his books.
there you go, media fans. some media.
March 23, 2011
all about food, mostly
things i miss about gluten:
1. chinese bakeries. oh god, the white flour and sugar. give me another red bean cake.
2. ichiban noodles. seriously, the queen still eats these and i sit by quietly, embarassed to admit i am jealous. but there ain't nothing like ichiban.
3. coffee shop pastries, and their fake goodness. also, their ability to stave off "woke up too late for breakfast" hunger on one's way to work. gluten-free people have to keep a stash of granola bars. it's not as much fun.
4. late night evil pizza. 'nuff said.
5. naan bread. i don't want to talk about it.
fatten up the post-surgery kid:
everyone wants to fill my hollows, and the queen, who has a bad costco habit (i found the wikipedia page on costco to be rather fascinating), came home with breakfast sausages and hashbrown patties that are gluten-free, and told me with deep satisfaction in his voice that i would soon be fat. he threatened me with large amounts of mayo from the costco-sized (think texas) jar of mayo he came home with, since i still hadn't made the homemade mayonnaise i had been talking about for months now. geez.
more post-surgery updates:
i feel more normal, and can pick up the peanut for longer, but still need to work on posture and deep breathing. still, i am starting to be able to sit up without grappling with my hands at the pillows, and help more around the house. i cleaned up some things that had been bothering me since i came home, and feel proud of myself. these activities are part of my healing process.
today i had my first great cry about it. short but intense, the tears were provoked by one of those feel-good birthing stories, where the child's health was at risk but everyone worked together and helped restore it. i then realised how many people contributed to saving my life and i burst into tears at how cared for and vulnerable that makes me feel. did you know apparently they take all your organs out and put them on the table while they mess around in your body? yeah, i'm visualizing it too. creepy.
the queen and i are valiently trying to maintain our relationship. today we shared some really nice cuddles while the peanut was napping, and i realised that when she sleeps between us, we don't get to touch as much. this part of co-sleeping sucks. also, she's a loud dreamer.
i can see how parents get so involved with the tasks of parenting that they forget the bigger picture. there isn't much time for pondering, and when you get it, you don't know how long until you'll be called back to the world (but probably less than half an hour).
life is good. if it would only stop snowing.
1. chinese bakeries. oh god, the white flour and sugar. give me another red bean cake.
2. ichiban noodles. seriously, the queen still eats these and i sit by quietly, embarassed to admit i am jealous. but there ain't nothing like ichiban.
3. coffee shop pastries, and their fake goodness. also, their ability to stave off "woke up too late for breakfast" hunger on one's way to work. gluten-free people have to keep a stash of granola bars. it's not as much fun.
4. late night evil pizza. 'nuff said.
5. naan bread. i don't want to talk about it.
fatten up the post-surgery kid:
everyone wants to fill my hollows, and the queen, who has a bad costco habit (i found the wikipedia page on costco to be rather fascinating), came home with breakfast sausages and hashbrown patties that are gluten-free, and told me with deep satisfaction in his voice that i would soon be fat. he threatened me with large amounts of mayo from the costco-sized (think texas) jar of mayo he came home with, since i still hadn't made the homemade mayonnaise i had been talking about for months now. geez.
more post-surgery updates:
i feel more normal, and can pick up the peanut for longer, but still need to work on posture and deep breathing. still, i am starting to be able to sit up without grappling with my hands at the pillows, and help more around the house. i cleaned up some things that had been bothering me since i came home, and feel proud of myself. these activities are part of my healing process.
today i had my first great cry about it. short but intense, the tears were provoked by one of those feel-good birthing stories, where the child's health was at risk but everyone worked together and helped restore it. i then realised how many people contributed to saving my life and i burst into tears at how cared for and vulnerable that makes me feel. did you know apparently they take all your organs out and put them on the table while they mess around in your body? yeah, i'm visualizing it too. creepy.
the queen and i are valiently trying to maintain our relationship. today we shared some really nice cuddles while the peanut was napping, and i realised that when she sleeps between us, we don't get to touch as much. this part of co-sleeping sucks. also, she's a loud dreamer.
i can see how parents get so involved with the tasks of parenting that they forget the bigger picture. there isn't much time for pondering, and when you get it, you don't know how long until you'll be called back to the world (but probably less than half an hour).
life is good. if it would only stop snowing.
March 21, 2011
the peanut tribe evolves
the little peanut is getting to be fun. i have enough strength to pick her up for short periods of time (to the relief of the queen, since she really likes being carried around. she looks at things now! we're not always sure what she is looking at, but it's something. she seriously ponders it).
parents tend to view their child with favoritism (this deluded behaviour is part of a survival mechanism of the child's, trust me) and we have decided she is the cutest, has lovely long fingers and is abnormally strong. this leads to long discussions about chasing boys away, and whether rugby practice will conflict with piano lessons. it's important that she learns to read music before approaching the guitar from a free, jamming perspective, says the queen. she does love to wave the limbs around though. she pushes the bottle away and raises one arm a lot, sometimes pointing, other times addressing the crowd with her hands in a politician's style ("my people - we are gathered here today on this momentous occasion to mark a point in history...").
speaking of gathered here today, trixie is helping me plan our wedding. yeah, gettin' hitched alberta style! mud wrestling! cowboys! dead meat!
trying to have a small wedding when you're marrying someone of irish catholic background is challenging, but i am being fierce - i will hurt people's feelings by not inviting them if that's what i have to do (only my own friends of course - the queen had to hurt his friends' feelings himself. that's how relationships work). it's difficult, because i don't feel like i have a clear line of "these people are emotionally significant and these people are merely casual acquaintances". so there are emotionally significant folks whom i just don't see often enough and/or haven't known long enough to make the "small wedding" cut. and that sucks, in huge part because i am a people-pleaser and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. i like telling people they belong. but hey, i guess my wedding isn't the social event of the year and i'm probably sadder than they will be. it helps to check the ego.
some humour - i passed time in the hospital imagining the food preparation guidelines (i almost typed "food perpetration, and it's not all wrong). for example, toast:
1. set oven to lowest setting
2. place slices of bread inside on tray
3. let sit for four hours
or the chicken consommé:
1. start with too much cornstarch
2. add one slice of green onion
3. add water; don't mix
4. take boullion cube of chicken; shave tiny amount in - enough so that you can legally testify you put it in there
5. heat and serve
but i never could figure out what the hell they did to the meat to make it taste so horribly. airplane food and prison food are both better than hospital food. what is this about?
parents tend to view their child with favoritism (this deluded behaviour is part of a survival mechanism of the child's, trust me) and we have decided she is the cutest, has lovely long fingers and is abnormally strong. this leads to long discussions about chasing boys away, and whether rugby practice will conflict with piano lessons. it's important that she learns to read music before approaching the guitar from a free, jamming perspective, says the queen. she does love to wave the limbs around though. she pushes the bottle away and raises one arm a lot, sometimes pointing, other times addressing the crowd with her hands in a politician's style ("my people - we are gathered here today on this momentous occasion to mark a point in history...").
speaking of gathered here today, trixie is helping me plan our wedding. yeah, gettin' hitched alberta style! mud wrestling! cowboys! dead meat!
trying to have a small wedding when you're marrying someone of irish catholic background is challenging, but i am being fierce - i will hurt people's feelings by not inviting them if that's what i have to do (only my own friends of course - the queen had to hurt his friends' feelings himself. that's how relationships work). it's difficult, because i don't feel like i have a clear line of "these people are emotionally significant and these people are merely casual acquaintances". so there are emotionally significant folks whom i just don't see often enough and/or haven't known long enough to make the "small wedding" cut. and that sucks, in huge part because i am a people-pleaser and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. i like telling people they belong. but hey, i guess my wedding isn't the social event of the year and i'm probably sadder than they will be. it helps to check the ego.
some humour - i passed time in the hospital imagining the food preparation guidelines (i almost typed "food perpetration, and it's not all wrong). for example, toast:
1. set oven to lowest setting
2. place slices of bread inside on tray
3. let sit for four hours
or the chicken consommé:
1. start with too much cornstarch
2. add one slice of green onion
3. add water; don't mix
4. take boullion cube of chicken; shave tiny amount in - enough so that you can legally testify you put it in there
5. heat and serve
but i never could figure out what the hell they did to the meat to make it taste so horribly. airplane food and prison food are both better than hospital food. what is this about?
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