listening to brian eno and harold budd. ambient textures for the ear. yum + sigh.
late at night. work tomorrow. still, up.
perhaps it was the epic nap i shared with the queen today.
so wonderful to see him again; all is extraordinarily well on that front. there has been eating, and sleeping, and other wonderful activities. a fire at the gnome home last night, beautiful espresso in the morning, a visit to one of the queen's many brothers and his adorable offspring. i certainly don't think all kids are cute (although the continuing ovulation thing really does seem to help them evolve from scary, amoral beasts to lovable, amoral could-be-peoples; it's crazy how much the mind belongs to the body, though we're sold on being these mythical selves with our own well-thought-out opinions) but it's pretty hard to refuse a "clark kent" with huge nerd glasses and a superman costume underneath who wanders over, grins affectionately at you without saying a word, pauses for a moment of eye contact and then flits off to torment his toddler sister.
i missed the dogs, which surprised me, since i still think a cat person shouldn't be attached to these dog-breath creatures who were madly excited to see me (which i really enjoyed). i think they're spoiling me for the meagre but refined affections of the feline. for two days i abandoned them to the chef, and only came back this evening (to a table full of sushi, including something battered in gram flour, so i could eat it. mmmm, battered things. i think it was chicken?). oh, and on the subject of tasty meat, for breakfast today we had bison saskatoon sausage from first nature farms. oh the glory. oh the farmers' market glory. oh.
seeing the queen again... wow. i know i've already mentioned, but it's amazing. nothing like six weeks of brewing love, and longing, to really make a reunion. i was trying to find an adjective for the reunion, but none suffice. wonderful doesn't cover the depth, epic doesn't express how soft it feels. memorable is the closest, but fails to convey the giddiness.
a wise friend of the gnomes was at the fire last night, and mentioned that when she looked at us, she kept seeing us as old. she congratulated us on being together.
March 7, 2010
March 2, 2010
changes, subtle and gross
the full moon has been good to me.
working on the "main drag" during the olympic hockey game proved amusing and slightly frightful. i have never seen so many men with silly grins on their faces. grown men weeping, men in tights, men wearing flags, sidewalk-beer-drinkers high-fiving the cars that were driving by honking. the whole avenue basically exploded for an hour as everyone toured drunkenly around, then returned to the bars for more serious celebrating. after my shift ended, i snuck out to the gnome home to wait out the storm. when i went back to the dog house three hours later, there were three red-&-white-clad guys on the bus worrying about what their lives would look like now, how they didn't want to watch regular television, and how long could they live off replays before they had to face their lives again? i wonder if this sort of predicament hits newly married couples. "no more presents to unwrap? shit, now we just live together..."
it looks like my housesitting continues: a friend who lives three doors down from the gnomes is finishing up her thesis and wants to jet off for a number of weeks, it's looking like six of them right now. so that will put me to the end of april. her place is great: witchy, unusual (as in, the stairs to the second floor rise up from the bathroom, and the tub is in the hallway. i love old houses), warm and inviting. i will sincerely love being in the gnomal regions again. walking to work, sleeping with my cat (her cat and my cat actually get along. i'm not sure why, since my cat gets along with no other cats, and her cat is a wild beast that sleeps in bushes), generally being in a neighbourhood where i know people, the graffiti is about art and the trees wear accessories.
i've been unraveling a bit more - in a good way. stretching, exhaling, coming out of the horrible grey shadow i was hiding in. the weather seems to be hovering around the freezing temperature (it's funny how warm it can be even though you can still see your breath and you still wear a scarf. ah, canadian spring). this is really good for my state of mind - i find it hard to love the world when it's painful to go outside. it makes the whole 'universe is a friendly place' theory a bit much to swallow. the queen is home in a couple of days. it will be fascinating to see how we behave toward each other. we've talked a lot in a long-distance capacity.
i've really started to enjoy me-time again. just wandering around, looking at the world, drinking cocoa, exploring possibilities. slowly, drinking in the experience.
working on the "main drag" during the olympic hockey game proved amusing and slightly frightful. i have never seen so many men with silly grins on their faces. grown men weeping, men in tights, men wearing flags, sidewalk-beer-drinkers high-fiving the cars that were driving by honking. the whole avenue basically exploded for an hour as everyone toured drunkenly around, then returned to the bars for more serious celebrating. after my shift ended, i snuck out to the gnome home to wait out the storm. when i went back to the dog house three hours later, there were three red-&-white-clad guys on the bus worrying about what their lives would look like now, how they didn't want to watch regular television, and how long could they live off replays before they had to face their lives again? i wonder if this sort of predicament hits newly married couples. "no more presents to unwrap? shit, now we just live together..."
it looks like my housesitting continues: a friend who lives three doors down from the gnomes is finishing up her thesis and wants to jet off for a number of weeks, it's looking like six of them right now. so that will put me to the end of april. her place is great: witchy, unusual (as in, the stairs to the second floor rise up from the bathroom, and the tub is in the hallway. i love old houses), warm and inviting. i will sincerely love being in the gnomal regions again. walking to work, sleeping with my cat (her cat and my cat actually get along. i'm not sure why, since my cat gets along with no other cats, and her cat is a wild beast that sleeps in bushes), generally being in a neighbourhood where i know people, the graffiti is about art and the trees wear accessories.
i've been unraveling a bit more - in a good way. stretching, exhaling, coming out of the horrible grey shadow i was hiding in. the weather seems to be hovering around the freezing temperature (it's funny how warm it can be even though you can still see your breath and you still wear a scarf. ah, canadian spring). this is really good for my state of mind - i find it hard to love the world when it's painful to go outside. it makes the whole 'universe is a friendly place' theory a bit much to swallow. the queen is home in a couple of days. it will be fascinating to see how we behave toward each other. we've talked a lot in a long-distance capacity.
i've really started to enjoy me-time again. just wandering around, looking at the world, drinking cocoa, exploring possibilities. slowly, drinking in the experience.
February 26, 2010
damn, that's some sap - is it maple?
last night, i felt restless. after watching a wonderful and depressing canadian movie with lovely company, i went walking.
as i walked, time passed. i walked, i walked and walked. i thought about forgiveness, and the loss that love doesn't erase. i thought briefly about whatever end, and then about all the stuff i want to do in the meantime. about how, when i erase the false reasons for doing, i end up with the same idea of free will and some energy to burn. the candle is already lit - what will i shed some light on?
sitting, loving, being cheesy. dah duh DUH, these are some epic times. whoa, show that sappy canadian spirit (um, no, i don't mean the olympics) here and here (it was really hard to find a not-terrible video for that song. oh youtube, so sad) and, in a complete about-face, here (that's right, i'm unpredictable)!
as i walked, time passed. i walked, i walked and walked. i thought about forgiveness, and the loss that love doesn't erase. i thought briefly about whatever end, and then about all the stuff i want to do in the meantime. about how, when i erase the false reasons for doing, i end up with the same idea of free will and some energy to burn. the candle is already lit - what will i shed some light on?
sitting, loving, being cheesy. dah duh DUH, these are some epic times. whoa, show that sappy canadian spirit (um, no, i don't mean the olympics) here and here (it was really hard to find a not-terrible video for that song. oh youtube, so sad) and, in a complete about-face, here (that's right, i'm unpredictable)!
February 25, 2010
linkland, via deeper understanding of life
do i EVER love this comic. introduced in the previous entry, it has pretty much taken up all my time since then. i did sleep and go to work, so the comic hasn't achieved life-wrecking, obsessional status. in fact, it's like gorging on fruit - the more i click the little 'next' icon (a monkey) the more i breath in life: the loving trials and wise tribulations of unfolding consciousness.
regarding the nature of relationships.
and the simplicity of self-care - how much do we really need? make sure to tend the needs...
what feeds our tendency toward destruction, ultimately self-destruction...
very sweet. along with an epic tea - algonquin's herbal immune booster, creamed with coconut milk and topped with ground ginger and a bit of crushed fennel.
but i would like to exist in other states as well, today. like having a shower, breakfast, a few exertions, some company. so i intend to move on with my day ("Come on, Day, let's go see what else there is!") after just a few more ... clicks.
regarding the nature of relationships.
and the simplicity of self-care - how much do we really need? make sure to tend the needs...
what feeds our tendency toward destruction, ultimately self-destruction...
very sweet. along with an epic tea - algonquin's herbal immune booster, creamed with coconut milk and topped with ground ginger and a bit of crushed fennel.
but i would like to exist in other states as well, today. like having a shower, breakfast, a few exertions, some company. so i intend to move on with my day ("Come on, Day, let's go see what else there is!") after just a few more ... clicks.
February 22, 2010
great comic, great day
i love webcomics. especially ones created by artists who seem interested in the unfolding of the s/elf. today has brought the discovery of a webcomic, wapsi square, that has been around since 2001, thus reinforcing my feeling that everyone else knows everything online and i wander around in the dark, riding my wee apple like it's a child's pony.
two of my favourite strips thus far (a newly found comic tends to prompt me spending entire days reading from the beginning and drinking tea - laundry, plans and books forgotten, outside world a dream) are here and here. beautiful portrayals of the inner one we rarely let loose, the part of us we're afraid of, the same way we're afraid of people with underdeveloped social skills. we fear being left alone with these people, they scare us with their unknowing, their need. but there is value in these people, these selves.
in other news, the queen phoned me from thailand and it was exquisite to hear his voice. i can still hear it. not saying anything, just sounding in my ear.
two of my favourite strips thus far (a newly found comic tends to prompt me spending entire days reading from the beginning and drinking tea - laundry, plans and books forgotten, outside world a dream) are here and here. beautiful portrayals of the inner one we rarely let loose, the part of us we're afraid of, the same way we're afraid of people with underdeveloped social skills. we fear being left alone with these people, they scare us with their unknowing, their need. but there is value in these people, these selves.
in other news, the queen phoned me from thailand and it was exquisite to hear his voice. i can still hear it. not saying anything, just sounding in my ear.
February 21, 2010
and now, the bearded woman!
grace. more's the way.
where there's love, there's no question, says the yogi (tea label). where there is question, there is no love.
tools of courage can be quiet, they can be quaint, they can even be careful. the courage means they keep on coming.
vulnerability, fear, pain; all the dubious blessings of life. courage can change none of these. it doesn't even withstand them; a courageous person goes through all of those.
what's the point of courage, then? i mean, it doesn't fix, solve, change anything that comes my way. i suppose it does something wise like change the way i view things. sigh. great. bring it on. more of the same, then more courage, then more of the same.
where there's love, there's no question, says the yogi (tea label). where there is question, there is no love.
tools of courage can be quiet, they can be quaint, they can even be careful. the courage means they keep on coming.
vulnerability, fear, pain; all the dubious blessings of life. courage can change none of these. it doesn't even withstand them; a courageous person goes through all of those.
what's the point of courage, then? i mean, it doesn't fix, solve, change anything that comes my way. i suppose it does something wise like change the way i view things. sigh. great. bring it on. more of the same, then more courage, then more of the same.
February 19, 2010
tarting oneself up
accepting love.
this is what i fear. it's interesting to question why i might fear this, but i get bored of questioning, or even positing various theories. the fear sticks around anyway. i can logic away some fear, but not the fear of accepting love.
still, i am tempted to draw correlations between my own desire (and failure) to help others by loving them (i've picked really sad cases, people who don't love themselves, emotional black holes, if you will) and my fear to be on the receiving end of such an attempt. what if i am a failure at being loved, and the other person ends up feeling like i did?
but then i look, honestly look, at my own case (not scrutinize it for pimples with that terrible mirror that gigantisizes one's pores). i'm not a lost cause. i can touch the ground occasionally. and the people who love me, to how many of them am i a case, a cause, a damaged specimen? i am probably that to one person i know, but i notice that person misses half of what's going on anyway, poor thing. i am pretty sure most people just love me because they want to.
in which case, the saving part is back to me. ugh. i would really like to be done with saving. for a while, it seemed necessary, but now the only villain left in my life is me. have i really reached the tawdry point of needing to be saved from myself (by myself - cue heavy eye-rolling)?
i remember deciding one day that instead of saving myself from, i would save myself to. to what? who cares! to the gigantic program in the sky, to a better day, to make a cake with.
to love. saving myself to love. that has more of a preserving air to it. preserves and pastries, mmm. hopefully that becomes the dominant paradigm in my mind. maybe i'll change the blog name to "pastry-in-self".
with pastry, comes better relationship. who knew?
this is what i fear. it's interesting to question why i might fear this, but i get bored of questioning, or even positing various theories. the fear sticks around anyway. i can logic away some fear, but not the fear of accepting love.
still, i am tempted to draw correlations between my own desire (and failure) to help others by loving them (i've picked really sad cases, people who don't love themselves, emotional black holes, if you will) and my fear to be on the receiving end of such an attempt. what if i am a failure at being loved, and the other person ends up feeling like i did?
but then i look, honestly look, at my own case (not scrutinize it for pimples with that terrible mirror that gigantisizes one's pores). i'm not a lost cause. i can touch the ground occasionally. and the people who love me, to how many of them am i a case, a cause, a damaged specimen? i am probably that to one person i know, but i notice that person misses half of what's going on anyway, poor thing. i am pretty sure most people just love me because they want to.
in which case, the saving part is back to me. ugh. i would really like to be done with saving. for a while, it seemed necessary, but now the only villain left in my life is me. have i really reached the tawdry point of needing to be saved from myself (by myself - cue heavy eye-rolling)?
i remember deciding one day that instead of saving myself from, i would save myself to. to what? who cares! to the gigantic program in the sky, to a better day, to make a cake with.
to love. saving myself to love. that has more of a preserving air to it. preserves and pastries, mmm. hopefully that becomes the dominant paradigm in my mind. maybe i'll change the blog name to "pastry-in-self".
with pastry, comes better relationship. who knew?
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