bring it

yup, i think i might be letting the blog fade away. sorry folks! i'm just loving my other forms of writing and expression much more than this.

the dumpling is healthy and happy, the queen and i are surviving, the snow is falling on our little abode and all is reasonably well.

i've been taking care of our niece for the past little while, and it's nice to have some extra money as well as one more little screaming voice complaining and announcing the news. she is one, and just learning to pull herself up to standing. she loves to eat, cuddle and destroy things; so pretty much a normal baby.

for my own all-around health, i've been focusing on four pillars, trying to devote ten to twenty minutes per day on the following:

exercise
communication
expression
meditation


and while i'm not 100% successful every day, i've been tracking for a couple of weeks and i feel pretty good.

the driving lessons continue, the friendships deepen (and some older friendships fade) and i let go.

i let go of some of the ideas i had about my life. i let go of some of the judgments i had felt to be levelled against me. i let go of some expectations about how life should be fair (those just creep up, don't they?) and i rearrange my priorities.

she moves on. 

bacon, no witticisms

you know why i blog less now? it isn't just because i'm a mother of a toddler. it's because when i think of clever things, i'm too tired to write them down, and when i go to blog, my kid drives all the clever things out of my brain.

like just now, i sat down, and then got distracted by the dumpling looking for plastic balls to put in her little cup. we found them in the bucket of current favourite toys, and she added two combs so we could both comb her hair. then i remembered i had yet to put deodorant on, and she wanted more food, and now here we are ten minutes later.

and i cannot remember what drove me to start this entry.

we had a little party on the saturday night of canadian thanksgiving. the usual lovely crew came out, and EVERYONE brought bacon. it was a little ridiculous, actually. not that that stopped me from enjoying said bacon, maple bacon curry, and BLTs. there was also a good fire, on the second night, which was unscheduled. we had just found out the newest grandchild on the queen's side of the family had been born (quite early but nice and healthy lungs, so all good and she just went home the other day) and her daddy came by to join our two late-comers. it was a good weekend, though too much driving. two families when we are also building our own can make holidays... well, you know. but this *pagan tree holiday* we are not going to make it up to my parents' on the day of. we will alternate years from this point, as far as dinners are concerned.

the week after thanksgiving, the mother of chaos and the river died. she had been ill for a while. the dumpling and i had only met her once, but the queen knew her since they moved over from ireland; their house was the place he went to when he didn't want to go home.

the service was beautiful, really well-attended. i learned things about this amazing woman; i knew she liked art and animals, but the extent of both of those pursuits... she collected strays, both animals and people. she was the kind of warrior that the world needs more of.

we invited people over to our house after. it's terrible how it takes such a large event for us to gather in the satellites, for everyone to come back and say nice things about each other. we finally met chaos' girlfriend, and it's shocking how perfectly matched they are. who knew there was a woman out there who is beautiful, knows farming, likes metal AND flamenco, and is a mean shot? yes. i know.

anyway, i've noticed that i've catalogued events, but not my mind.

it's winter; snow snow snow. didn't get the garden turned or the bulbs planted. that happens every year but this year i had solid plans for it.

i've noticed that things that used to piss me off and drive me to act are greeted with indifference now. i'm not sure if that makes me less neurotic or just... sinking down.

i want snowshoes. i need outdoor cardio. ugh. 

tidbits

listen to annette hanshaw!

or if you prefer radio, listen to ckua. sometimes it gets too folky for me, but we often listen to the classical show in the evenings, and it helps the dumpling wind down for bed. the other night though, they were playing tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, and she got riled up. there was banging, climbing, giggling and some serious dancing.

her dancing is mostly from a seated position and involves basic bum shuffle, a mean shoulder shimmy, some hand waves and a side-to-side twist. when she's standing and we tell her to "shake your booty" she sticks her bum out. so damn cute.

been perked up considerably with the actual fall weather. staying up late to clean and prep for winter. finished cleaning all the appliances and actually raised my arms over my head in a victory walk down the hall. i heard cheering.

crazy plans this weekend, as it's canadian thanksgiving. one quiet night for me, as the queen has a troupe of boys he drinks with every year, one party night, two family dinners. i feel like such a grump that i'm dreading it. i could do two social gatherings, but three in as many days? ugh. oh well, at least the one at our house is looking pretty awesome. and hey, better too much family than not enough! give thanks for the good things in our lives that are often also a bit of a pain in the ass :) where would we be without them?

feeling rough?

people have been feeling edgy. edge-y.

the good news is that it will pass. the bad news is that it probably won't pass fast enough. the real news is you don't give a shit about later, because now is hard.

i can't tell you anything you can't refute, even if i am right. that's how powerful our emotions can be. that's how we convince ourselves all kinds of things are true.

look around, you think you aren't fallible to all kinds of prey? physical predators, mental predators. external predators, internal predators. see those being preyed on around you? see how they tell you they're fine, tell you they can cope? sometimes we aren't fine. sometimes it's not worth coping, sure.

but even when we feel boxed into a corner, the show ain't over. if you think you only have one choice, i can guarantee you have forgotten something.

sometimes we want to see big change fast. sometimes we think we can't wait, it's not worth waiting or waiting won't change anything.

but who judges a party at eleven o'clock? stay until it's over. stay until four. stay until the cops shut it down or it ends in breakfast.

if you're having a bad time, i have several things to say to you:

- me too. sucks eh? ah well. i've got some things i want to do and while i'm trying, i'll drink some water and talk to you.

- yeah that happens sometimes.

- i know someone who was having a bad time and then figured out some of their needs and got some met (not all, but hey, they're still working on it) and now they feel better.

- tell me.



sometimes when i'm doing a sewing project, it gets all knotty. i get frustrated when that happens. i was working, and then some tiny twist of thread fucked it all up.

at these times, i am very tempted to quit. sometimes i want to burn the whole project.

if i am lucky, i take a deep breath, cut the string, tie it off and start over. it takes longer, but i get it done.

if i am feeling especially choked, maybe because it has happened several times or other things have frustrated me already, i have to leave the project, leave the room.

today that happened. i feel like it's some kind of conspiracy, like the threads are out to get me.i can hear their evil laughter.

when i am feeling persecuted, that's when i know there is something else at work in my brain. so i go upstairs, pour myself a glass of water, and express myself in some way that comes more easily. work it out of me.

i'm lucky today that this feels easy. some days, everything feels hard. some days i give up, and go watch tv. some days i do something that i know i can do, and then at least i can feel slightly proud of myself when i am done.

i'm not confessing or giving advice, i'm just talking to the people who feel edgy. i feel it too. 

procrastination post

hello! i should be doing stupid computer printing work right now, so i thought i would update 18 strangers on my life instead.

the dumpling has been happily toddling around and screaming "nooo!" about all kinds of things, like not being able to play with the entire contents of our household while covered in tomato sauce, or having to wait 2.3 seconds for anything. parents these days, eh?

the queen is on a fitness kick, so everyday involves him working out and drinking the lemonade diet drink, followed by fiddling with a new server he is trying to create to store all of his data, instead of having 80 wires and external hard drives floating around. in theory, i applaud this; in practice, something is making him very frustrated and he declared last night that he really hates computers.

i have been working on the autumnal cleaning of the yard, and putting off the autumnal cleaning of the house. i am really kind of obsessive about cleanliness, so i actually clean the interior of my oven and kettle, and wash walls on a regular basis. but it's overwhelming me right now; the dumpling is exhausting, and i'm more excited to sew. however, missing this opportunity to clean means that winter will suck because i will feel grubby. i've struck a deal whereby i don't have to complete it until november, so screw the appliances and the pile of whatever behind the dryer, right?

i have been taking driving lessons! i am trading  lovely friend for olives and whiskey. she seems to really enjoy helping me out and hanging with the dumpling. they are both members of the "no wear socks!" club, so they bond over that. also, she calls the dumpling "my liege" as she feeds and fetches things. much more respectful than our term, "the tyrant".

i am finding myself short of temper today. i really want to kill the housefly in our kitchen. even if it means taking out the entire kitchen, it feels worth it.

i have been up for hours and have accomplished nothing, yet have been busy all morning. i guess i simply have not accomplished specific tasks. the dumpling had a great morning and i did a big favour for someone when they really needed it.

now i'm going to get that fly. and maybe throw out the dishes. yeah. 

circles

i've been collecting broken pottery and dishes, and i've discovered some lovely mosaics. i started browsing online to see what i could cover with the shards. i ended up convinced i need safety glasses and "tile nips", and dreaming about all kinds of decorated surfaces... steps toward the hot springs, etc.

i think i actually will make a stepping stone. find the cement shape, maybe at a thrift store; get the grouting powder and previously stated necessities; research it again because by then i'll have forgotten; make art.

my niece came over today, the one i will be taking care of come november. the girls chilled together, right up til the other mom came back. in the moment that i stepped to the doorway to greet her, there were tears. i came back and they both looked upset. i think the dumpling wanted her ball back, but didn't get it. my niece is a bit of a meatball :) she can hold her own on the playground for sure.

i find myself avoiding thinking of how the dumpling will socialize. that milieu was so terrifying for me, from childhood as early as i can remember right through to high school, whereupon i finally mastered that bullshit, and could eventually move on. i typo'd "move ion"; i think i like it better.

i've picked up reading a bit more. i read a book about the amish. i don't know why; i just wanted to. it was one of those storyish non-fictions that are easier to read for me, and i breezed through it in a few days, which felt awesome and oldskool. the queen has been reading too, so we pass time after the dumping has been laid to slumber reading together.

tonight i didn't feel like reading, so i came down and prepped some sewing, did some edging on a pair of sleeves. then i researched grouting mosaic tiles, and you see what i've done there? here we are. 

"garby! garby!"

infrequent blog posting!

things have been really lovely. the home front is rich and fulfilling; the queen works on the bus, i do some sewing, the dumpling finds tiny crumbs and fluff on the floor and brings them over to me, proclaiming that she has found "garby", and watches me put them carefully in the garbage can. she in also quite interested in modes of transportation, and can be found pushing cars and trucks around, announcing planes and trains going by, and actually perambulating! staggering into the middle of the road and straight for the windshield cleaning station at the gas station is already taxing my worrisome heart. yes, i am that mom. it's okay, the queen is the dad who lets his daughter play in puddles and with fire, so we balance out quite nicely.

it's finally becoming sweater weather, which cheers me up to no end. i don't know why, but i just don't like august very much. too much socializing? too much heat... not enough sweaters or tea. so now, while i am sad that we have to close the windows at night, i am pleased by cool breezes, harvests, and the notion of needing to warm ourselves.

i suppose there is more to say, but i am not interested in saying it. but take heart in the knowledge that i am feeling pretty okay these days. hopes the same for you.

off to the chem lab

well, the stuff that had me occupied in the previous entry kept me busy for a while. eventually i expressed myself enough (often in the form of complaining, though there was some observation and confusion as well) and to the right people (this was the key bit, i think) and 'processed' it. i now strongly dislike that term.

my favourite quotes from friends include: "good ruckus turned to dark ruckus and took a number of lights down with it" and "freaking out is not part of your emotional process. it's just freaking out".

now i have an anger hangover.

the queen is back in less than a week. i have a friend coming by with her hypo-allergenic dog for a li'l visit, and we have visits out to the farm for the next couple of days to water the dogs and flowers. when he gets back, we are off to visit the awesomes. it feels like a family reunion, the first one since that time we all got food poisoning :)

it's been interesting to be sans queen for the past couple of weeks. i find myself enlightened to be seeing what has changed in my behaviour, and what has stayed the same. the dumpling has claimed an extra passport photo of his and kisses it. it breaks my heart to see that affection she is maintaining for the queen.

i'm finding myself, both personally and socially, interested now in how to solve common challenging circumstances. i've spent time observing and identifying what usually fucks me/us up, now i want to problem-solve.

how do i/we deal with intrusive shit? what are "friendly barriers" we can build, how can i strengthen my support beams?

- emotionally
- logically
- crisis planning

don't diss the beige

holy crap!

went to a nice little festival, and it was two thirds a nice little festival and one third a total shit show. and which third do i carry home in my tummy, roiling around like a wounded weasel? that's right.

fortunately (for me) none of the (i'm going to use other people's words here, since it was their shizzle) 'intensity', 'drama', 'heartbreak' or 'unresolved anger' was mine. unfortunately for me, tension doesn't have to be mine for me to feel it, feed it and bring it home.

i'm going to do that bitchy thing now and not give any details out about anyone else's life. i know, i lead you on and then i leave you hanging. i can at least tell you that since i'm already upset about shit, i will do my best to witness some kind of process for those desiring some kind of process, and leave those alone who are asking to be left out of it.

... and maybe lay to rest the poor weasel who never did anything unweasel-like to anyone, yet somehow got dragged into this whole thing.

the queen is heading off to ireland in less than a week, for a three-week family trip (the dumpling and i were invited, but there are stag parties and other events that helped me decide to hold off and do a separate trip years later, with more b&bs and less pubs). during this time of solace and neatness the dumpling and i are going to spend a few days up in the city, take in a day of music festival, and of course i am planning to train her in my witchy ways. but that happens every day, so it's not really news.

after the queen returns, we will head off to visit the awesomes. i look forward to a more peaceful time, with less drinking, less yelling and just as much music.

one interesting thing about the festival is that our campsite saw two different lifestyles, and i got to watch the citizens interact. i saw ignorance, compassion, missed opportunities, new friendships, some people getting judged for other people's actions (and i saw that too much for my own comfort - i don't like it when people get lumped together), awkward sharing ("here, i made you some bacon... oh, you're vegan..."), and the neutrals.

i love the neutrals. we are a secret tribe who find something pleasurable in everyone. we tend not to be offended, and sometimes you don't remember our names, but you generally think of us as nice people. when mixing two different cultures together at one campsite, having neutrals heightens the chances of success. because we are neutral, we tend to blend in, so you might not know or notice that we help smooth the rough edges. we tend to blend in with our group, but that's sort of the point. we blend in with your group too. 

daily meanderings

hey hey!

we've been experiencing the epic heat wave that's been going around, but we just received 24 hours of sweet, sweet rain. now it's humid again, but my spirits have been lifted.

speaking of lifting spirits, a friend came to visit with her two kids this past weekend and we had tons of fun and some tiredness. her children are 2.5 and 0.9, so there was much peeing and spreading food around the house. in one day, we went to the playground, the grocery store, a restaurant for lunch, the kiddie pool and a four-year-old's birthday party. that's a lot of socializing and public venues. i don't know how the babes slept that night, but i sure passed out (after drinking with my friend until 2am, in the entryway, amidst candles).

the dumpling is super cute. her current favourite game is being chased; i sometimes have to move out of the way as she picks her escape route (which is often under the kitchen table). she's still a sworn scooter, but has allowed us to pry one hand loose from her as she walks, so maybe she's on her way after all. i suspect she will put off walking until one day she sees something totally awesome and my back is turned. so bring on the clowns. (okay, actually no. i mean, if you're a friend of ours and you're a clown, that's great, but don't hire some creeper, okay?)

she has become the ultimate picky toddler eater. i don't even want to get into it, but i will tell you i am desperately trying all the stuff from this dr sears guy. she likes watermelon, bananas, mac n cheese (the organic kind, i swear), cheddar bunnies, and other small animal crackers (fortunately with a bunch of toppings like cream cheese and peanut butter). that's it. she has decided to hate even yogurt and her old favourite, oatmeal. so sad.

anyway, i have nothing much to say but feel as though i've been ignoring you. so here you go. take it easy. 

and then there was the end of my day

ah, the inevitable low-down. hello, bummedness! it hasn't been long enough.

today i watched miss marple and ate. good food! spinach salad, tomato beef stew with pasta, rice crackers with almond butter and tiny pickles, apples, mandarin oranges, toast with avocado (and toast with cream cheese, and toast with red pepper spread).... and then there were the gluten-free cupcakes - chocolate of course, and the end-of-day snack; a rice bowl with braggs and veggies. cuz, you know. snacks are part of a healthy diet. mmhmm.

it was like i actually grew a hollow leg, which usually only happens to other people. that is seriously three times as much as i tend to eat.

the dumpling ate right alongside me, except, um, the cupcakes. chocolate is so bad, you know. i better eat it all, just to err on the side of cocoa-sated, conscientious parenting.

she doesn't really like raw spinach either. so far, she draws the line right after cucumber, and pretty much before any other vegetable (unless it's cooked). more of a fruit and bacon kind of child, you say? no no no, it's early yet! her predisposition toward lentils and hummous might really take her places!

but yeah, the post-festival low.

i talked to some people, and laughed with the dumpling, and spent time outside. the day passed. i kinda miss... stuff. my old life. decompressing all week long in the city, from the fair, with the other fancy, dancy people. having the time for that. being in the same space as more people i do these kinds of things with.

le sigh. 

mosquito bites on my sunburn!

listening to the american analog set whilst the dumpling naps.

we got home from a wonderful fair last night, and pretty much slept in the doorway. picking up the dumpling from my parents' was a lovely moment. she had clearly enjoyed herself but still needed to touch us a lot. i told her i concurred completely.

i did accomplish all i set out to do!

- wander off
- get drunk in the middle of the afternoon, then sleep it off and party at night (i did this on the sunday, after completing my volunteer hours)
- rock out volunteering with lockup (schlepping forever! and a day!)
- participate in the informal lost n found of the fair (lost my toque, found a flashlight)
- swim in the river (oh god. really. god. god was the entire river. i found religion and it is the driftpile river.)
- eat smokies and bacon
- eat fresh fruit
- laugh hysterically
- do the stage tour, where i see every band for twenty minutes, and find many good souls along the way
- take care of other people (and then other people took care of me. oh the wonders of it all.)
- wear my faery wings (leading to the stage manager calling me 'wings', which i really enjoyed.)
-wear rubber boots! it finally rained sunday night, so there was mud. i know the dumpling would have rocked it, but i'm sure she rocked the bowls of water my mom set out for her every day. water = best kid toy ever. bowl and spoons are a close second.

the music was, of course, fantastic. fred penner was ill and absent, but the mad bomber society and tzadeka both play a wild live show, and the bits i caught of snfu, flying fox, mike dunn and whoever those guys were who were rocking out the volunteer party were all fabulous. also, the kitchen party looked really hot.

now i am missing the fair. i am not sad yet; aiming for happiness but probably achieving desperation... nonetheless, enjoying myself. desperately.

there were highlights, but they are strange and inexplicable (even i didn't understand what was with all the clubbing). i hope that my peeps got home safe. some i know are still up in the city, and the awesomes might be facing power outages and funnel clouds.

so it goes; onward. enthusiasm flags and is renewed. 

i know where my towel is

just in case you were wondering, it's still hella windy here. the wind blew in clouds, and then blew them around, after which it rained. then the wind blew the clouds away, so now it's sunny and windy. repeat. (it makes the trees look like they are freaking out.)

the wife came to visit! she is so unwife-like - it looks good on her. that's what happens when you quit cohabitating i guess. your wife is no longer your wife, but she's still hot. but to dub her my ex-wife makes me sad. are we separated? booooo!

with the so-called wife came batdog, the wife's mom and another gnome, one i've missed. last night, we had a small fire with the scrap wood from the bus insulation job and listened to the coyotes howling.

today they left, and i felt sad. i got over it, but it made me realize that i do miss other gnomes. the gnome home run was an epic one. half a block of friendlies! sometimes too friendly! since the bulldozers ran through the properties, the wife's mom calls it the 'gnome hole'.

the fair is this weekend! four hazy days away from the dumpling, who is hollering right now from the ring of neglect. she really enjoyed the company. she blossoms, really: i think she's a partier. she will be partying with my parents - good luck to them.

packing for the fair is exciting: bring summer things, including swimsuit for the river. bring winter things for the night time. bring rainy things, because it will very likely rain. bring costumes. bring camping supplies. bring flask. bring shit-eating grin. if you're looking for us, we'll be at the back left (not stage left, left from where you stand at the entryway, dazed) by the swimming hole. although who knows where i'll be, really. i've heard the steam pod is going to be all sweet and non-political this year. sounds awesome.

pack towels. 

mondays are always weird

the weekend has been deemed successful.

we spent friday night out at the farm with our sweet lady hank. it rained all night and the sound of rain on a school bus roof is fantastic, let me tell you. so much so, we got a late start to the city, and showed up to the three-year-old's birthday after the clouds had rolled in, so no swimming for the dumpling. she did get to play in the purplesand box though, and probably still has purple sand in several tiny pockets of her invisible filth cloak.

and we got to eat many food items and have a "parents round" of tequila shots at the end :)

the dumpling and i met up with my mom and hung out for a bit, and the queen (who i'm considering re-naming brutus) went to the blues jam, from which he did not really return until the next morning (there were two glimpses of him in the interim, but i am determined to consider those sightings to be holographic images).

i was pretty exhausted saturday night. i'd been staying up late every night this past week working on the spoken word piece for fieldinbloom's album (that will be out on vinyl! but not for like, a year, because the second side is with his new band, so they need to tighten up first). we stayed at fieldinbloom's place and i wanted to hang out, but after a couple of glasses of wine, i followed the dumpling to bed and slept so well, i was up at seven the next morning, all chipper. it was strange.

sunday afternoon i went and did my piece at the studio. they liked it, but i wish my lungs were in better shape. no deep breathing, no yoga, no bike rides makes this mom a weak singer :( oh well. my arms are getting buff.

coming home last night was fabulous. laying on the couch in an old sesame street t-shirt with the queen after the dumpling retired for the evening with her precious blankie... oh my.

today i am enjoying myself, which is harder than it should be, but oh well. hammock, blogging, and listening to SNFU because they are playing the fair in a couple of weeks and it is so much more fun to know the music. i have already completed my daily house tasks, and a curried pumpkin soup is bubbling gently in the slow cooker (parsnips! water chestnuts! coconut milk!).

if you are pissed off at the idea of waiting a year to hear the song i contributed to, i can't share the neat drum beat and cool guitar bits, and i would feel weird sharing field's lyrics, but here's the line of mine he liked the best:

we can't set you free without you

random

check out this neat publication i found on the internet regarding depression, written by some folks at the university of coimbra, portugal. they worked with ninety people, "patients suffering from depressive symptoms and/or that find compassion difficult or scary." i love it. compassion can be terrifying. 


"For people suffering from depressive symptoms, having been shamed by an attachment figure may be a major block to develop self-compassion and receive compassion from others and may constitute an important obstacle to recovery."


amen. 

strange winds

the weather has been really wild here lately. i fucking love weather; how we cannot predict it, how quickly it changes in alberta and how fabulous it makes me feel. last night's thunderstorm was so loud i actually worried about trees falling on our house. the windstorm earlier in the week was also epic (how do the clouds fall into those shapes?), and now that the wind has blown away the mist from this morning (the dumpling and i were out foraging in the tall dandelions - so cute how they get her wet up to her waist!) i'm watching the trees get whipped around some more.

i'm having really weird maternal urges; daydreaming about more babies, adoptions, being foster parents... it's really freaky. i don't know what to do with myself. maybe there's some kind of herbs i can take? non-breeder medicinal capsules or something? :(

must remember morning sickness...

other than the weather and my barking ovaries, not much is happening. the dumpling says "teeth" and "sock" now. she has amazing tempo and is slowly gaining in mobility. her escape attempts from being diapered and pottied indicate that she has the skills. i think she just likes where she's at most of the time. still, we are about varied activities that inspire her to climb and hike and all that good stuff.

we are heading into town this weekend to go to a three-year-old's birthday bash and for me to help fieldinbloom on his album. i'm really enjoying coming up with some compassionate lyrics. a link to a completely different song by his completely different band can be found here.

posting!

june! hammocks, dandelions, bees, long sunsets, longer days, lousy albertan beaches.

my to-do list today included:
lay in hammock;
go to playground;
get eggs from liquor store;
have awesome bath;
wax legs;
mow lawn.

so far, i've done the legs, the eggs and the playground. that's how mellow it is.

i'm probably not even going to finish this blog entry.

tough times, still sweet

spent the weekend out at the bus in the woods. even though it was kind of crappy in a way, it still rocked. camping is like that.

the dumpling is cracking out yet another tooth, which makes her very sad and prone to cold or crispy foods. the queen put up the solar panels to charge hank's extra battery, which when we live full-time in hank will power our computers, coffee grinder, etc. yay solar power.

i ate too much watermelon and got indigestion so harsh i vomited several times. eventually, the queen's parents donated some antacids, and fifty minutes later i felt sweet relief. but it parked me for the night, so the queen and chaos had to continue the fire-side party. who knew watermelon could be so perilous?

yeah, chaos came out both nights and slept on the old car seat/bench that is parked out by the fire. he claims the comforts of hank are too strong for his taste; he prefers frost and ash.

i'm hoping my anxiety levels drop somewhat, though i am impressed with my anxious accomplishments: depression is way less productive than anxiety. when i worked for someone else, i was indifferent, but now that i work for the three bees, being too anxious to sit down means i get more sewing done, in a cleaner house, with food cooking - that i don't eat because i feel too stressed out :(

in direct correlation to more stress, i spent the dumpling's nap on saturday reading two thirds of a terrifying book about cougars, which means i spent two hours saturday night being unable to sleep, re-thinking all the stories about dead children. i was hoping the book would be informative, and it was, but the information is terrifying. basically, there is very little preparation one can make. and they are probably in your urban area anyway, especially if you live near a river or some forest. they love your children, and the only thing you can do is be a bigger, meaner cat. good luck with that.

anyway. north country fair is coming up, and i intend to shake it all loose. 

abiding

i'm enjoying the first rush of dudeism.

my favourite quote so far is from an article called "dudeism for chicks":


this is the great lesson of the big lebowski;
all of us have parts that are broken
and some of us are sociopaths.


awesome. that kind of sums it up right there. 

merlot and the rain

we did our weekend at the farm: in the woods, with hank and the awesomes and chaos (who only broke his own banjo this time). chaos' sister was there too, and i finally have a name for her. she is the river. she calls me the rock, so it really works.

a few other people came through, and there were only minor burns and bruises. the dumpling evolved her techniques of eating and being cute. we saw tiny frogs and one deer. looking all pristine and unsuicidal (this is in relation to deer being large, suicidal rabbits when seen from the road, not about the suicide of my friend a couple of weeks ago). gaia was out in force.

we are planning to be out with hank most weekends this sumer. this coming weekend, we are going to bring the cat! adventure is everywhere! it's important to acclimatize the cat to bus-living for eventual extremist hippie plans. chaos was wishing for a tribal lifestyle; he would be good at it too. flamenco, hatchets and a large beard can take you places.

other than that, it seems there are tiny sprouts in the garden, and another plot is severely overdue to capture all the herbs n stuff i sprouted indoors. i have littered sunflower seeds all over the bare patches of the yard, and hopefully they take pity on us and glow the place up :)

fieldinbloom is working on an album and wants me to throw down some spoken word about liberation and rising from the ashes of tragic consumerism and earth-destruction. it's been a while since i opened that door, but for this friend, it's an opportunity, not a chore. i can embody this phoenix.