bring it

yup, i think i might be letting the blog fade away. sorry folks! i'm just loving my other forms of writing and expression much more than this.

the dumpling is healthy and happy, the queen and i are surviving, the snow is falling on our little abode and all is reasonably well.

i've been taking care of our niece for the past little while, and it's nice to have some extra money as well as one more little screaming voice complaining and announcing the news. she is one, and just learning to pull herself up to standing. she loves to eat, cuddle and destroy things; so pretty much a normal baby.

for my own all-around health, i've been focusing on four pillars, trying to devote ten to twenty minutes per day on the following:

exercise
communication
expression
meditation


and while i'm not 100% successful every day, i've been tracking for a couple of weeks and i feel pretty good.

the driving lessons continue, the friendships deepen (and some older friendships fade) and i let go.

i let go of some of the ideas i had about my life. i let go of some of the judgments i had felt to be levelled against me. i let go of some expectations about how life should be fair (those just creep up, don't they?) and i rearrange my priorities.

she moves on. 

bacon, no witticisms

you know why i blog less now? it isn't just because i'm a mother of a toddler. it's because when i think of clever things, i'm too tired to write them down, and when i go to blog, my kid drives all the clever things out of my brain.

like just now, i sat down, and then got distracted by the dumpling looking for plastic balls to put in her little cup. we found them in the bucket of current favourite toys, and she added two combs so we could both comb her hair. then i remembered i had yet to put deodorant on, and she wanted more food, and now here we are ten minutes later.

and i cannot remember what drove me to start this entry.

we had a little party on the saturday night of canadian thanksgiving. the usual lovely crew came out, and EVERYONE brought bacon. it was a little ridiculous, actually. not that that stopped me from enjoying said bacon, maple bacon curry, and BLTs. there was also a good fire, on the second night, which was unscheduled. we had just found out the newest grandchild on the queen's side of the family had been born (quite early but nice and healthy lungs, so all good and she just went home the other day) and her daddy came by to join our two late-comers. it was a good weekend, though too much driving. two families when we are also building our own can make holidays... well, you know. but this *pagan tree holiday* we are not going to make it up to my parents' on the day of. we will alternate years from this point, as far as dinners are concerned.

the week after thanksgiving, the mother of chaos and the river died. she had been ill for a while. the dumpling and i had only met her once, but the queen knew her since they moved over from ireland; their house was the place he went to when he didn't want to go home.

the service was beautiful, really well-attended. i learned things about this amazing woman; i knew she liked art and animals, but the extent of both of those pursuits... she collected strays, both animals and people. she was the kind of warrior that the world needs more of.

we invited people over to our house after. it's terrible how it takes such a large event for us to gather in the satellites, for everyone to come back and say nice things about each other. we finally met chaos' girlfriend, and it's shocking how perfectly matched they are. who knew there was a woman out there who is beautiful, knows farming, likes metal AND flamenco, and is a mean shot? yes. i know.

anyway, i've noticed that i've catalogued events, but not my mind.

it's winter; snow snow snow. didn't get the garden turned or the bulbs planted. that happens every year but this year i had solid plans for it.

i've noticed that things that used to piss me off and drive me to act are greeted with indifference now. i'm not sure if that makes me less neurotic or just... sinking down.

i want snowshoes. i need outdoor cardio. ugh. 

tidbits

listen to annette hanshaw!

or if you prefer radio, listen to ckua. sometimes it gets too folky for me, but we often listen to the classical show in the evenings, and it helps the dumpling wind down for bed. the other night though, they were playing tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, and she got riled up. there was banging, climbing, giggling and some serious dancing.

her dancing is mostly from a seated position and involves basic bum shuffle, a mean shoulder shimmy, some hand waves and a side-to-side twist. when she's standing and we tell her to "shake your booty" she sticks her bum out. so damn cute.

been perked up considerably with the actual fall weather. staying up late to clean and prep for winter. finished cleaning all the appliances and actually raised my arms over my head in a victory walk down the hall. i heard cheering.

crazy plans this weekend, as it's canadian thanksgiving. one quiet night for me, as the queen has a troupe of boys he drinks with every year, one party night, two family dinners. i feel like such a grump that i'm dreading it. i could do two social gatherings, but three in as many days? ugh. oh well, at least the one at our house is looking pretty awesome. and hey, better too much family than not enough! give thanks for the good things in our lives that are often also a bit of a pain in the ass :) where would we be without them?

feeling rough?

people have been feeling edgy. edge-y.

the good news is that it will pass. the bad news is that it probably won't pass fast enough. the real news is you don't give a shit about later, because now is hard.

i can't tell you anything you can't refute, even if i am right. that's how powerful our emotions can be. that's how we convince ourselves all kinds of things are true.

look around, you think you aren't fallible to all kinds of prey? physical predators, mental predators. external predators, internal predators. see those being preyed on around you? see how they tell you they're fine, tell you they can cope? sometimes we aren't fine. sometimes it's not worth coping, sure.

but even when we feel boxed into a corner, the show ain't over. if you think you only have one choice, i can guarantee you have forgotten something.

sometimes we want to see big change fast. sometimes we think we can't wait, it's not worth waiting or waiting won't change anything.

but who judges a party at eleven o'clock? stay until it's over. stay until four. stay until the cops shut it down or it ends in breakfast.

if you're having a bad time, i have several things to say to you:

- me too. sucks eh? ah well. i've got some things i want to do and while i'm trying, i'll drink some water and talk to you.

- yeah that happens sometimes.

- i know someone who was having a bad time and then figured out some of their needs and got some met (not all, but hey, they're still working on it) and now they feel better.

- tell me.



sometimes when i'm doing a sewing project, it gets all knotty. i get frustrated when that happens. i was working, and then some tiny twist of thread fucked it all up.

at these times, i am very tempted to quit. sometimes i want to burn the whole project.

if i am lucky, i take a deep breath, cut the string, tie it off and start over. it takes longer, but i get it done.

if i am feeling especially choked, maybe because it has happened several times or other things have frustrated me already, i have to leave the project, leave the room.

today that happened. i feel like it's some kind of conspiracy, like the threads are out to get me.i can hear their evil laughter.

when i am feeling persecuted, that's when i know there is something else at work in my brain. so i go upstairs, pour myself a glass of water, and express myself in some way that comes more easily. work it out of me.

i'm lucky today that this feels easy. some days, everything feels hard. some days i give up, and go watch tv. some days i do something that i know i can do, and then at least i can feel slightly proud of myself when i am done.

i'm not confessing or giving advice, i'm just talking to the people who feel edgy. i feel it too. 

procrastination post

hello! i should be doing stupid computer printing work right now, so i thought i would update 18 strangers on my life instead.

the dumpling has been happily toddling around and screaming "nooo!" about all kinds of things, like not being able to play with the entire contents of our household while covered in tomato sauce, or having to wait 2.3 seconds for anything. parents these days, eh?

the queen is on a fitness kick, so everyday involves him working out and drinking the lemonade diet drink, followed by fiddling with a new server he is trying to create to store all of his data, instead of having 80 wires and external hard drives floating around. in theory, i applaud this; in practice, something is making him very frustrated and he declared last night that he really hates computers.

i have been working on the autumnal cleaning of the yard, and putting off the autumnal cleaning of the house. i am really kind of obsessive about cleanliness, so i actually clean the interior of my oven and kettle, and wash walls on a regular basis. but it's overwhelming me right now; the dumpling is exhausting, and i'm more excited to sew. however, missing this opportunity to clean means that winter will suck because i will feel grubby. i've struck a deal whereby i don't have to complete it until november, so screw the appliances and the pile of whatever behind the dryer, right?

i have been taking driving lessons! i am trading  lovely friend for olives and whiskey. she seems to really enjoy helping me out and hanging with the dumpling. they are both members of the "no wear socks!" club, so they bond over that. also, she calls the dumpling "my liege" as she feeds and fetches things. much more respectful than our term, "the tyrant".

i am finding myself short of temper today. i really want to kill the housefly in our kitchen. even if it means taking out the entire kitchen, it feels worth it.

i have been up for hours and have accomplished nothing, yet have been busy all morning. i guess i simply have not accomplished specific tasks. the dumpling had a great morning and i did a big favour for someone when they really needed it.

now i'm going to get that fly. and maybe throw out the dishes. yeah. 

circles

i've been collecting broken pottery and dishes, and i've discovered some lovely mosaics. i started browsing online to see what i could cover with the shards. i ended up convinced i need safety glasses and "tile nips", and dreaming about all kinds of decorated surfaces... steps toward the hot springs, etc.

i think i actually will make a stepping stone. find the cement shape, maybe at a thrift store; get the grouting powder and previously stated necessities; research it again because by then i'll have forgotten; make art.

my niece came over today, the one i will be taking care of come november. the girls chilled together, right up til the other mom came back. in the moment that i stepped to the doorway to greet her, there were tears. i came back and they both looked upset. i think the dumpling wanted her ball back, but didn't get it. my niece is a bit of a meatball :) she can hold her own on the playground for sure.

i find myself avoiding thinking of how the dumpling will socialize. that milieu was so terrifying for me, from childhood as early as i can remember right through to high school, whereupon i finally mastered that bullshit, and could eventually move on. i typo'd "move ion"; i think i like it better.

i've picked up reading a bit more. i read a book about the amish. i don't know why; i just wanted to. it was one of those storyish non-fictions that are easier to read for me, and i breezed through it in a few days, which felt awesome and oldskool. the queen has been reading too, so we pass time after the dumping has been laid to slumber reading together.

tonight i didn't feel like reading, so i came down and prepped some sewing, did some edging on a pair of sleeves. then i researched grouting mosaic tiles, and you see what i've done there? here we are. 

"garby! garby!"

infrequent blog posting!

things have been really lovely. the home front is rich and fulfilling; the queen works on the bus, i do some sewing, the dumpling finds tiny crumbs and fluff on the floor and brings them over to me, proclaiming that she has found "garby", and watches me put them carefully in the garbage can. she in also quite interested in modes of transportation, and can be found pushing cars and trucks around, announcing planes and trains going by, and actually perambulating! staggering into the middle of the road and straight for the windshield cleaning station at the gas station is already taxing my worrisome heart. yes, i am that mom. it's okay, the queen is the dad who lets his daughter play in puddles and with fire, so we balance out quite nicely.

it's finally becoming sweater weather, which cheers me up to no end. i don't know why, but i just don't like august very much. too much socializing? too much heat... not enough sweaters or tea. so now, while i am sad that we have to close the windows at night, i am pleased by cool breezes, harvests, and the notion of needing to warm ourselves.

i suppose there is more to say, but i am not interested in saying it. but take heart in the knowledge that i am feeling pretty okay these days. hopes the same for you.